Trying to Handle This

Lately, I have just felt like I am just trying to stay afloat. In all honesty, "I am not a strong swimmer"so this analogy is very fitting. I am constantly trying to find time to initiate chore charts, create new and more functional patterns in our day, have the sanity of cleaner home, but time and time again the boys will literally give me the run around, and then it's just back to surviving the day. I have conversations with friends, with family: "this is just a season of life, you have to give yourself a bit of a break, be patient with yourself," but when you have a laundry list as long as I have of things you need to improve, change, or just plain do at all it becomes overwhelming. And that has been, in a nutshell, my life in the last couple weeks. I am wanting to be the best version of myself. The version of me who has some of pre children qualities, the one that is easy going, and always wanting to go and do new things, the one that practices singing for hours, and writes and plays the piano, and then the best version of myself as a mom, the one that can organize at least one thing every day, clean one room every day, has breakfast made for the kids as they awake, and have chores lined up afterward, and they happily do them with enthusiasm and promptness, the mom that is smiling in awe at her children and they smile back, that I always speaking calmly and I am heard. The best version of a wife, the best version of a daughter, a sister, a friend, and when you are trying to do all this and realize all the things you need to work on, and where do you begin you will be exactly where I am sitting right now. Sitting, with a permanent expression like Jim from the office slapped on my face. 

Sure, the boys are cute, funny, and fun, and sweet, and really quite nice actually, they still add a lot of crazy to my life. Which, depending on the day I can love the crazy or really not love it at all. But, on days like today which is the opposite of the day I described above, and Kaj comes into my room and tells me he wants to sing me a song to make me feel better with Josh singing back up at his side, and they both proceed to make up as they go a long, "because you are really nice mom, and today is really fun, and we can have fun today..." and so on and so forth I think to myself, " I must be doing ok."

what I love about this picture is that you can tell Rowan has a smile on his face as he watches Josh from afar

Happy 1 Year to Rowan

I really can't believe my baby is 1. The year went by so fast. A one year birthday is a strange one, it definitely feels like cause for celebration, but I think for mostly the mom because you got through the year, and so much happens in that year, and there has been so much progress from bringing home an infant, who doesn't sleep through the night, is eating every 3 hours, doesn't really move much at all, and relies on you for every thing to being able to do so much on their own. But, on the flip side, the one year does not know it's their birthday. So, you are really celebrating your victory for the year, and of course, happy that the little one, has in fact, been in your family for the year. That's nice. 

I really do love this little guy so much. He is happy, and sweet, and tender, and has a bit of an adventurous spirit about him. I was talking to Whitney today and mentioned that I get this feeling that Rowan is going to be my dare devil, accident prone child-which I hoped by saying it out loud would make it less true. Because, despite the fact that he merely army crawls his way around the house, he is always getting under tables and chairs, getting into the cupboards, wanting to hold himself up standing, and then just letting go to get down when the mood strikes him, and when I am holding him he tries to wiggle out of my arms and lunge forward with the confidence of someone who can actually fly. So, tonight, Sam was not yet home from work, and I usually let the older boys watch something short and play while I have Rowan tubby, and then get him to bed. So, it was business as usual, and Rowan was doing his regular swimming laps, standing up, then sitting back down, which I usually have to help lower him back down, so he doesn't slip in any way. Then he will swim again, stand up, sit down- so he was standing up, and I was just waiting till he was ready to start sitting back down, but tonight instead he launched himself forward, hitting his face against the toilet seat, and began slipping on the floor when I caught him, and as I wrapped him in his towel, and stopped a little bleeding from his Quasimodo lip, I thought: "I knew it, he is going to be my dare devil accident prone..." I am terrified.

Back to birthday. It was a good day. I had balloons scattered around the house for when the boys woke up, sang to Rowan when he woke up, and then we just had a regular planned day. Josh had his cavities filled in his teeth, which he now has the reputation as "the best 2 year old maybe ever" title at the local pediatrics dentistry. (not to steal Rowan's thunder) and then we made a blue cake that the older boys helped me with. We sang, and Rowan opened one present and that... was it. 

Rowan is definitely loved a lot by his brothers, and he is still little enough where the boys give him their toys pretty willingly, and are eager to help him. Little by little he is starting to get more welcome to the older boys club, and he can get Josh and Kaj really laughing sometimes. I also should note that Rowan is a bit of a dad's boy. He loves hanging out with Sam, he loves when Sam gets home from work, or if he get to see him in the morning, he stays a lot happier when he is sitting on Sam's lap, and he usually wants to move on from my lap to play with the nearest item on the floor pretty quickly. The bias in me thinks he has the best smile ever. 

He continues to be more and more fun every day.