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| 20 weeks with little girl |
Actually, I didn't actually have the birthday blues...but the next few blogs will be playing the classic game of catch up and admittedly I have felt so out of sorts lately that I wasn't even writing. As in, no writing, at all. To the point that I began to wonder when I would ever sit down again to blog, to write some of my book that never gets finished, or just journal.
I opened up an past blog book because I needed information about Rowan to fill out this form after a meeting I had with his preschool teacher and suddenly-there it was - the spark. Just a quick one like the first millisecond that you light a match before it blows out. But, I guess that is all I needed. To sit down, and begin catching up the stories of our lives that best that I can.
Truth be told I have felt more down and alone lately than I have in a long time. I feel lost and pretty sad. I hope that it has more to do with the hormones? I really hope so because this just can't be the the permanent state that I stay in. But, as I read my own words and reflected about my boys and how sweet they were and still are I just don't have reasons to stay in that. It is time to find the happiness again and let it fill up. There is this silly movie called "Mom's Night Out," I wouldn't say it is being filed into the Classics but it is very relatable for me at this time especially- and in one scene the main character is sitting down with her husband feeling completely overwhelmed by her life-he children, her messy home, all of it, and she says to him that this is what she wanted growing up, to be a mom, to have a good husband, and she literally living her dream and wondering why she isn't happy. That's how I feel. I wanted this very thing too. So, I think it is definitely been enough time wallowing in whatever it is and take some ownership back in what can make me happy. What can make me happy? I think it is finding those pieces that once filled me up. That's my hope, anyway. What else can? My boys. I truly do have the sweetest most caring boys I could ever ask for. I often don't even feel deserving of their sweetness sometimes, but they insist on it.
This is just a very long narrative on why it has taken me so long to catch this up but I intend on doing and hope that the memories that I want to share will come back to my mind.
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| School pics 2018 |
So, for my birthday this year Sam was working in Portland for the actual day. I think it fell on a Wednesday so it wasn't going to be much for celebrating, anyway. Sam did encourage the boys to be very sweet while he was gone and try to make my day special. But, who know what that means to kids. But, on my birthday morning I began to hear the older boys sneak down and begin their birthday preparations. It included emptying the dishwasher 🙌🏻 which honestly did feel a little like that best present ever because that is always the first thing I get done in the morning and the first thing I want done before I feel like I can do anything else. And then, they made this lovely breakfast and set the table to everyone. They told me: we were going to to make eggs but we didn't have any. Since I had never seen them make eggs I think that that was a good thing. I turned 35 this year. Why do I feel like that can't be right, it has be like 25? But, it was 35. My dad called me and seemed a little freaked about himself. 😂 I don't know if it was for me or for him. Either way- that's the truth. When my boys asked how old I was turning I did kind of spit it out really quickly- maybe they wouldn't hear me right. But, I suppose going back to my initial thoughts I need to make my 35th year awesome and I have a lot to do with it. I get to make it great. So, I think that's what I will do.
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| 2018 school pics |
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| birthday breakfast from the boys |
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| Toast stuffed with chocolate chips 👍🏻😂 |
