On a Better Note

I read through old blog books tonight...and after reading and thoroughly enjoying my own writing, I wanted to write tonight. I LOVE reading back on the things I have documented. I would have forgotten so many fine details, feelings, and stories and I treasure them so much. I also realized I have so many things to catch up on- and I fully intend to do so. But, before I forget some funny things from the last week.

Josh, on Thursday, this is the day currently that no one is at home. Lily has school, but Kaj also has his community day, and Sam is in Portland. I am fully 100% by myself. Weird. For only a day, and then I love my Thursdays! Fully and absolutely love them! For all the reasons all mothers out there know why. My sweet boy says in the morning in the car before dropping the boys off, "mom, Thursdays must be your saddest day because everyone is gone." Huh?? I didn't have the heart to tell him that was NOT the case! 😂 I did say they are my strangest day, which was closer to accurate. That same day, Lily had her career  dress up day at school. This whole month they have talked about different careers. She struggled to decide. She wanted to be a spider, or green goblin. We looked for a costume but found none. She then said she would be a skier. Perfect! As we were getting her ready she kept saying, "I think Joely is going to be a hot-dog."I laughed, and said, "maybe.. she might be dressed up as something else too, but she could be a hotdog." We got to her school when her friend Joely was getting there, and she said again, "I think she is going to be hotdog." 😂 She wasn't dressed up like a hotdog. 

 

Tomorrow

 

There was no picture I could choose to match the words today. I shouldn't be writing. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a woman I work with at church. She said her mom would write journals, but she never gave them to her kids because a lot of what she wrote was negative. She said she wishes her mom would have shared because kids should know that it is hard sometimes. 

 I have tried hard when I write to only paint the picture that is real. I share funny stories. I share hard stories, I share real feelings that I am having. 

Kids, your mom doesn't like herself. 

I get angry sometimes. I get mad at you sometimes, but it is mostly because I don't like myself. I don't think I am doing a good job. Whenever there is squabbles or fighting in the back of my mind I think it's because of me. If I had been a better example, if I showed more patience, or if I have taught you more...the truth is I also know you are really great kids. I am lucky to have you. I feel sorry you have been stuck with me. 

You see, I should not be writing this. It's too sad. It's too sad to write..or think. 

I hope you always like yourselves. I hope you know I always love you, that I will always see the best in you even on the days that you don't see the best in yourself. I just hope that you will come to me when you are sad. It's hard enough having a sad day, but at least if you can come to me you won't have to be alone and sad.

Alone and sad is worse. So, you always always have me. 

And because I apparently can't end on such a down note, I will say. It will be ok. I will probably like myself a little more tomorrow.