Fall Highlights 2018

This year was a fun year to go to the pumpkin patch because it seemed like the first year that the boys were able to do a lot on their own and the older boys were able to help with the littles more than it was s necessity for Sam or I to be with them the whole time. This was one of the first moments that I was realizing that things were starting to feel "easier" and also the realization that we were going to be starting over very soon. Pregnant and with 4 boys at these kind of things always gets some attention. Or perhaps I was just feeling a little self conscious.

Whether in my imagination or not it is odd to have a more than 2 kids in Bend. It is pretty standard to have 2 and the ideal family is to have a boy and a girl. People have never been mean- they just comment.

 I love this time of year. I have said it before so  I  don't have to go through all the reasons why yet again. I also love experiencing it all with my family. I love how each year my boys have grown and I can see more of who they are becoming and I still like them. I like being able to have conversations with them and actually share different thoughts, opinions, and feelings. It can be hard early on in motherhood because that aspect really isn't there and it difficult to see a time that it would happen. It does.

I sure do have some handsome boys.

Lily Mariana Jo

 I still have a lot of blogging to catch up and I do plan to fill in the gaps, but a good birth story has details so before I go forgetting those details
(which... 5 kids I think could happen easily) I wanted to get this down.

We had our baby girl, baby sister, baby Lily on Feb 5th, 2019
Weight: 7lbs 11oz
Height: 21 inches
Time: 8:33 pm

My sister Meg had come into town almost a full weed prior to having her. I, wanting to replicate almost everything from Jonah experience, wanted some time hanging out with her and the boys and after a few days went by would then have the baby. It took longer, but loved hanging out with Meg, and the boys loved it too. We reminisced about when she came into town for Jonah and remembered how WE-Megan and I had essentially picked out Jonah's name together and we laughed and we laughed.
         I have to admit- as days passed I was not so certain it was going to happen while Megan was in town. I'd had some mild contractions but nothing that lasted or got worse. We went on plenty of walks and ran the boys every which way and it seemed like between all of that I should have gone into labor. Megan came in on a Wednesday and so on the Monday the week she was leaving I woke up having contractions around 3am. They did wake me up so they were painful enough to do that and I was timing them. By the morning they were still happening but not getting worse. So Megan and I did exercises to try and keep them going. We did this all morning. Now, the nitty gritty, I needed to have some prune juice, it helped a little. I then announced to Megan I would have a second glass. 😳 That was an interesting choice and I literally spent the rest of the morning and day taking trips to the bathroom every few minutes. Yeah...
When the day began I wasn't so sure I was going to be making it to my doctor's appointment set for that day but as the hours went and it wasn't dire that I would be going to the hospital it was good to go my appointment to see if anything was happening. I was a 3.5 at my appointment he was pretty certain that things were moving along from the day. He also said he would be "dumbfounded" if "I made it another week. He also said if I had been a 4 he would have sent me over the birthing center. All of these things made me feel confident that it could happen that day. I called Sam to let him know the updates and told him I was pretty sure it would happen that day, especially with him scheduled to go into work in Portland the next day the sooner he could make the judgement call the better.

 After arriving home things picked up. My friend Kimberly- who had been updated throughout the day came over to be with Jonah. My friend Heather picked up the older boys from school and Sam was picking up Rowan. We left the house around 4:15 was checked around 5 at the hospital and was a 4.5 and I was then admitted to stay. I know this wasn't my first rodeo but it is still so odd to know that before the day would be done I would have extra person in my life.

Sam arrived around 6 o clock and by then was in a lot of pain and things were moving very quickly. Megan, was, once again, wonderful to have there. She is amazingly calm and considerate of all my needs, and its also very good to talk to her during the whole process. I labored till around 7:00 and a 6.5. Sam suggested to get going with the epidural and because it seemed like it was moving really quickly, I agreed. I didn't want to miss the window to get one. I had my epidural around 7:30 but after I felt like it was working I began feeling very weird. I felt like things were really slow and that I wasn't really in the room and I was telling Sam and Megan that I was feeling "foggy" and that is about when about 6 nurses ran into the room and started to push me on to one side and putting an oxygen mask on me because apparently my blood pressure had gone way down and so did baby Lily's. This had never happened before and it was a bit scary. They gave that a few minutes and then turned me on the other side. That time it worked and I could definitely tell the difference. After things had stabilized Sam went home to check on the boys. We decided that  we would just wait to break my water until he came back. Soon after Sam had left I start shaking uncontrollably and became 🤢 and of course Megan taking good care of me all the while. It was then that I felt my water break on it's own. So Megan called Sam to let him know and it turns out he was just leaving the house to come back. When he came back the nurse checked me, I was at a 10, she called the doctor in, and got everything situated.

The doctor said she could feel another bag of water and she said it would like break on it's own. She advised "just give a little push." So, I gave the smallest push and in that second it was as if someone on a water balloon rampage had just charged in the room and thrown the money shot in middle of the room. It literally splashed everywhere. Sam seemed grossed out 😂 but everyone was laughing. Then  after everyone had collected themselves the doctor said, "Ok, this will probably just 1 or 2 pushes and we'll be done." I looked at her like don't say that unless that's actually true. But, it was true.

She was here, and I loved her immediately. 

While Kimberly was with the boys they made this cute poster

😍💕

loved immediately

smirks and dimples

Birthday Blues

20 weeks with little girl

 Actually, I didn't actually have the birthday blues...but the next few blogs will be playing the classic game of catch up and admittedly I have felt so out of sorts lately that I wasn't even writing. As in, no writing, at all. To the point that I began to wonder when I would ever sit down again to blog, to write some of my book that never gets finished, or just journal.

I opened up an past blog book because I needed information about Rowan to fill out this form after a meeting I had with his preschool teacher and suddenly-there it was - the spark. Just a quick one like the first millisecond that you light a match before it blows out. But, I guess that is all I needed. To sit down, and begin catching up the stories of our lives that best that I can.

Truth be told I have felt more down and alone lately than I have in a long time. I feel lost and pretty sad. I hope that it has more to do with the hormones? I really hope so because this just can't be the the permanent state that I stay in. But, as I read my own words and reflected about my boys and how sweet they were and still are I just don't have reasons to stay in that. It is time to find the happiness again and let it fill up. There is this silly movie called "Mom's Night Out," I wouldn't say it is being filed into the Classics but it is very relatable for me at this time especially- and in one scene the main character is sitting down with her husband feeling completely overwhelmed by her life-he children, her messy home, all of it, and she says to him that this is what she wanted growing up, to be a mom, to have a good husband, and she literally living her dream and wondering why she isn't happy. That's how I feel. I wanted this very thing too. So, I think it is definitely been enough time wallowing in whatever it is and take some ownership back in what can make me happy. What can make me happy? I think it is finding those pieces that once filled me up. That's my hope, anyway. What else can? My boys. I truly do have the sweetest most caring boys I could ever ask for. I often don't even feel deserving of their sweetness sometimes, but they insist on it.
This is just a very long narrative on why it has taken me so long to catch this up but I intend on doing and hope that the memories that I want to share will come back to my mind.

School pics 2018

So, for my birthday this year Sam was working in Portland for the actual day. I think it fell on a Wednesday so it wasn't going to be much for celebrating, anyway. Sam did encourage the boys to be very sweet while he was gone and try to make my day special. But, who know what that means to kids. But, on my birthday morning I began to hear the older boys sneak down and begin their birthday preparations. It included emptying the dishwasher 🙌🏻 which honestly did feel a little like that best present ever because that is always the first thing I get done in the morning and the first thing I want done before I feel like I can do anything else. And then, they made this lovely breakfast and set the table to everyone. They told me: we were going to to make eggs but we didn't have any. Since I had never seen them make eggs I think that that was a good thing. I turned 35 this year. Why do I feel like that can't be right, it has be like 25? But, it was 35. My dad called me and seemed a little freaked about himself. 😂 I don't know if it was for me or for him. Either way- that's the truth. When my boys asked how old I was turning I did kind of spit it out really quickly- maybe they wouldn't hear me right. But, I suppose going back to my initial thoughts I need to make my 35th year awesome and I have a lot to do with it. I get to make it great. So, I think that's what I will do. 

2018 school pics

birthday breakfast from the boys

Toast stuffed with chocolate chips 👍🏻😂

First day back to School

Back to the grind, as they say. But, I am not sure if it technically could be called that when you are going back to 3rd and 1st grade and preschool. Actually, it counts for Rowan. Even though, Kaj is really at odds why summer is only 3 months long and believe that it should be reversed and the rest of the year dedicated to time off. It was nice to have them starting back--yeah, that house is quiet and I kinda miss the loud of the boys being home but they needed to go back. Luckily, they have buddies in their classes and are already doing really well.Kaj and Josh also began playing soccer this fall. It has been really fun to see the growth they have made in just weeks. Josh is starting when a lot of other kids are starting so he is definitely been able to hold his own. Kaj is starting a little later than other kids his age, but I feel like the coaches are very mindful of him and helping his improve. 

Kaj has had a few hang ups this year about the rules changing at school. There is a new principal this year, and he has implemented new rules. Kaj came home the first day and sat me down to have a private conversation and said, " he is literally like Mr. Krupp." ( this is the mean principal from the Captain Underpants series) 😂 But, he seems to be getting over it little by little.

Josh, as usual, has had a great attitude. The rules don't seem to bother him. He has made some good buddies within the first few days, which is nice. But, really, the beginning of this year has had an ease about it.

Rowan started his last year of preschool. He is back at Alyce Hatch with the same teachers he had last year. The group he is with has doubled, but he seems to have adapted really nicely. The teachers have been amazed at how much he has changed just over the summer. He has so much more spontaneous language, he is answering questions, he is more engaged with them. All great things. So many times I have talked about Rowan, and the pride I feel in who he is, but also the wonder and questions I have about the future for him. Ultimately, I know it is bright, and he is the light in the very room he enters in. I had a realization when he was taking swim lessons over the summer, as I sat and watched him with the small swim class he was in a class with two other little kids, and the teacher. He seemed to love it. But, there were times I noticed one of the other children do something and without fail the other would then begin mimicking the same action, and Rowan, would almost always do something different. Most times, he wouldn't seem to notice that they were both doing something and if he did he never changed what he was doing.  I was suddenly hit with a feeling of gratitude for that. He will never feel pressured to do something that other people are doing, not only will he not feel the pressure, I don't think he will even sense the pressure. He will make his own way, Rowan's way. He will decide. How amazing is that?! He is such a great boy! There are full sentences now that he will say that catch me off guard. I am obsessed with hearing what he has to say! Sam gave him a bowl of ice cream the other day, "Thanks, dad. This is my favorite!" -Rowan says- that whole sentence! He says "I love you, mom" or "I love you, dad" at bedtime whoever is by his bed. When the boys will sometimes Cheers each other at dinner, Rowan will add, "To the kids!" 😂 He is funny and sweet. And dang, feel so lucky to have him.

The Baby Sister

So, this is the biggest news of our summer. It also changed the way the summer went, if I am being honest. In that, I wasn't feeling well, and the list of the summer plans went out the window a little. Half the summer my boys didn't know. They didn't complain, they were patient, and happy, perhaps because they didn't know all the plans I had actually made. 

But, lets start from the start. I found out, I cried, Sam was optimistic and happy. So, I was happier. It took longer to process this one because we had taken this idea off the table and so I was planning my life without a pitstop in PregnancyVille again. 

I didn't really want to share with anyone until we found out what we were having. I don't know why, I just didn't. I wanted to tell and announce all at once. So, at 9 weeks Sam and I thought it well worth the cost to find out early what we were having. They do a test called Panorama that tests different  things for any chromosomal abnormalities as well as test the gender by seeing if the Y chromosome is present. 

So, I took the test on a Monday and the following Tuesday the phone call came. The one I had been thinking of. When I imagined the news I only could hear her telling me it was a boy. A boy is all I have ever heard. So, I was prepared to hear that again. She first told me that all things tested for any abnormalities tested normal. This was great news! Then, she asked me, "Did you want to know the gender?" "Yes." I told her. Deep breath. "You're having a little girl." Deep breath. Some little tears filling me eyes. 

"Really?" I verified, really wanting to make sure I heard correctly. 

"Is that a good thing?" She laughed a little.

 "Well, I have 4 boys.."

 Exclaiming, "Oh!! Well! It looks like you will have to get some pink." 💕

Pink. A girl. Oh my goodness. So, rewinding even more- almost a whole year. Sam and I had a talk. We talked about different impressions and feelings we each had experienced making us believe we were meant to have a little girl join our family. So, what felt like suddenly, and also knowingly we are having this little girl. 

Look at the boys faces. They were so excited, they still are so excited. They will ask, "How many more days till the baby sister comes?" or "I can't wait to meet the baby sister." Rowan seems to even know about her in a small way. He'll sometimes say we're going to see the baby sister. But, if I ask him where she is he will answer: mom's belly. 

As of right now, I am excited- no question about that. I do sometimes feel like it will be strange have a girl after all these boys. I hope I will be a good mom to a girl. A good example to her. I hope that I will be strong example. And, in time, a friend. My Boy Mom badge will be hung up. Which, I wear proudly, but I have a feeling it won't matter when I meet her. I still can't really believe it. I still didn't know this would actually happen. I still really really love Jonah as my baby. It is hard for me to think of him not being the baby. It makes me feel better knowing he'll always be the baby brother. He just...is. 

So, we are just plugging along here now and awaiting the arrival of the baby sister. She definitely is a lucky one to have so many brothers eager to meet her, protect her, and love her. 

Lost and Found

 So, during our trip to Utah we spent one Sunday evening visiting with Uncle Jon and Mandy and their family. It was really fun to see them. The boys always gravitate toward their older cousin, Ben, and lucky that he is such a great kid that that's actually a good thing.

Before we left mom and dad's house I saw that Kaj had grabbed Bunny to be in the car as well as his Harry Potter book. For the tiniest of seconds I thought I should tell him to leave Bunny. But, because I knew he would just have him in the car I decided it's not that big of a deal. It was a 30 minute drive so, why not?

We spent a good amount of time at their house, and saying goodbye to their family- especially to Ben- is always a challenge. When Kaj returned to the car he began looking for Bunny, and couldn't find him. I didn't notice him ever take him out of the car so he had to be in there somewhere so
we told him to buckle up and we would look when we got home. We looked. And, he was nowhere to be seen. Kaj, in tears, called Jon to ask them to keep an out for Bunny.

It wasn't until the next day that we had officially called it. Bunny was gone. They hadn't found him and Jon's house, Sam even made a special trip back so the boys could look themselves. It was a complete dramatic scene on the way back to the house. Kaj was wailing. No joke, Wailing! Josh was crying because of how sad Kaj was. I was sad because of how sad he was. Bunny was really gone. Sam was not sad. He wasn't happy either, but he didn't think highly of the reaction, and definitely thought more that this was a lesson in life that needed to be learned. I did see that side too. But, for that day and that moment I felt like it was OK for Kaj to be that sad.

We talked to Mor Mor when we got home breaking the news. There was some lines being thrown out, "my life will never be the same," being one and "Bunny was my first friend." All of which, was dramatic, yes, but also kinda heart breaking. There were some dark theories being thrown around about what could have happened to Bunny. Odi throwing him into the garbage can on purpose was getting pretty far fetched. Kaj was going to remember July 2nd as a historical Remember Bunny day. Josh wrote on a water bottle that date and gave it to Kaj and Kaj gave him the most tender hug of gratitude for that gesture.

😂 Oh my goodness.

Weeks later. About 3 weeks after we had gotten back home from our trip Sam was taking the boys mountain biking and Kaj was moving his carseat and 🙌🏻 Bunny was under his carseat. He was in the car. He had not ever been long lost. He was in the car. 😂 After all that. Kaj was, of course, thrilled, to have him back and scolded him a little for ever going missing. I laughed as I walked in the house, and Sam says, "It's a good thing you all put on black for that one." 😂 Touche. 🐰🖤

Summer Utah Trip

 I love having a trip to look forward too. I especially love our summer trips to Utah to visit family. This year, one very exciting reason for going, was that I ran my first half marathon! I feel like as early as February this year I talked to my mom who told me about the Heber half for Autism and was thrilled to hear how many of my family members were going to be signing up. I told Sam about it, and we immediately thought that we should also sign up. Even though living in Bend has improved my attitude toward running I still hadn't exceeded running 3 miles in quite some time so working up to 13! I began running by myself and then I would also have a day I would run with Sara. But, one of the first times out with her I twisted my ankle pretty significantly and ended up with crutches be the end of the day. I took a break from running for about 3 weeks, but continued to ride my trainer--which actually helped a lot.

Anyways, I was very motivated by what it was for. I was excited to run fro Rowan, I was excited that it was important to family, and Sam was extremely supportive. He let me train every day that he had off. Now, admittedly, my speed, is a little laughable, but it was the distance I was concentrating on this time.

 The morning of the race started at quarter to 4. My brother and I ended up being the last remaining runners of the half. Whitney, only because her foot had been bothering her. It was really nice to spend the morning with Sam and talk with him on the bus ride to the start line, and blanket ourselves in the reflective heating papers--I am really not sure what they are called but they surprisingly worked! I did have a case of the "runners trots" and did have to stop at the bathroom more than once. 😬 But, such is life. Sam, pitifully ran with me for the first 4 miles, but I finally convinced him to go on without me when I needed to stop at another brother and he took me up on it. Honestly, I felt better after that because I did not want the weight of holding him up.

I also can now talk about the fact that I was 6 weeks pregnant when I ran, and it definitely changed my breathing, and I was just starting to feel sick. So, I am giving myself a break for how I did, and mostly being proud of what I did. This had been a goal, and I happy to report, I would do it again. A full?? I am really not so sure. I think I can enjoy a half and maybe not a full? At least, that is how I feel now. But, I also not that by mile 12 I knew my legs would be feeling this. I could tell they were going to stiffen up, and at the point if felt better to run than to walk. I was great crossing the finish line and seeing my boys cheering me on. They remarked later on in a family prayer they were thankful I won the race. 😂 Kids can be wonderful for self esteem sometimes. I was walking like Frankenstein that next couple days..without any exaggeration I really was struggling with all things legs. I did end up going to my sister Caitlin's Pound class on day 3. I was doing much better by then, but Sam still had a bit of a laugh with that. It was a fun class!

 The day of the race was also Jonah's birthday. Lucky for us it was his 2nd birthday and he was not very aware or else we would've felt worse. We did not get him presents. We had a cake and a fun time with the family which that's all a 2 year old really needs. But, just to speak on Jonah for a minute to simply say how lucky I feel to have him. He is such a circus clown baby. He will do anything for a laugh. He loves making playing with other kids, he can be a bit of bully 😬  but, he also sees so much horse play going on at home, I know he is not meaning it to be mean. He is sly and curious, and lovable. He is starting to say so many words and is learning more each day. He definitely thinks he is talking in full sentences. I am so so glad he is my baby boy.

 I was also so happy to spend a whole day with Kim. It was so fun to not have to worry about the time, and that Sam was kind enough to take the boys so that we could have quality time and I also got to meet her new little Calvin. It was just what the doctor ordered.

The whole trip is what I needed, and I think the boys needed it too. It has been a delightful thing to witness the cousins play with each other, and learn to play with each other. I love to see the immediate connections they have and that it doesn't seem to miss a beat in knowing how to play with each other. I wish I had snapped some pictures of the sweetness that occurred between Rowan and Addi. Rowan, really loved to help with the laundry this trip, and he would sometimes sit and wait for a long time to switch things to the dryer, but Addi sat with him for a lot of those minutes. She was was excited to help him with the laundry and she was excited for how happy he was about it. It was very sweet. Rowan, also connected with my brother this trip. He will still talk about playing in the hot tub with Sambo, and he will ask about Sambo a lot still. It seems every time we visit he forms another connection with someone else. I love to see his world expanding.

The last night we were there we went to the rodeo for the 4th of July. We had never before been to rodeo and the boys were pretty dang impressed with the cowboys. We left a little early mostly because of may irritation with a girl screaming so loudly I mean I know it's exciting but really?? You're grown. But, we stopped the car and watched the fireworks together which I ended up really loving. 

So, it was another great trip. It was filled with good memories and good boys. I am excited for more fun adventures to come!