Trying to Handle This

Lately, I have just felt like I am just trying to stay afloat. In all honesty, "I am not a strong swimmer"so this analogy is very fitting. I am constantly trying to find time to initiate chore charts, create new and more functional patterns in our day, have the sanity of cleaner home, but time and time again the boys will literally give me the run around, and then it's just back to surviving the day. I have conversations with friends, with family: "this is just a season of life, you have to give yourself a bit of a break, be patient with yourself," but when you have a laundry list as long as I have of things you need to improve, change, or just plain do at all it becomes overwhelming. And that has been, in a nutshell, my life in the last couple weeks. I am wanting to be the best version of myself. The version of me who has some of pre children qualities, the one that is easy going, and always wanting to go and do new things, the one that practices singing for hours, and writes and plays the piano, and then the best version of myself as a mom, the one that can organize at least one thing every day, clean one room every day, has breakfast made for the kids as they awake, and have chores lined up afterward, and they happily do them with enthusiasm and promptness, the mom that is smiling in awe at her children and they smile back, that I always speaking calmly and I am heard. The best version of a wife, the best version of a daughter, a sister, a friend, and when you are trying to do all this and realize all the things you need to work on, and where do you begin you will be exactly where I am sitting right now. Sitting, with a permanent expression like Jim from the office slapped on my face. 

Sure, the boys are cute, funny, and fun, and sweet, and really quite nice actually, they still add a lot of crazy to my life. Which, depending on the day I can love the crazy or really not love it at all. But, on days like today which is the opposite of the day I described above, and Kaj comes into my room and tells me he wants to sing me a song to make me feel better with Josh singing back up at his side, and they both proceed to make up as they go a long, "because you are really nice mom, and today is really fun, and we can have fun today..." and so on and so forth I think to myself, " I must be doing ok."

what I love about this picture is that you can tell Rowan has a smile on his face as he watches Josh from afar

Happy 1 Year to Rowan

I really can't believe my baby is 1. The year went by so fast. A one year birthday is a strange one, it definitely feels like cause for celebration, but I think for mostly the mom because you got through the year, and so much happens in that year, and there has been so much progress from bringing home an infant, who doesn't sleep through the night, is eating every 3 hours, doesn't really move much at all, and relies on you for every thing to being able to do so much on their own. But, on the flip side, the one year does not know it's their birthday. So, you are really celebrating your victory for the year, and of course, happy that the little one, has in fact, been in your family for the year. That's nice. 

I really do love this little guy so much. He is happy, and sweet, and tender, and has a bit of an adventurous spirit about him. I was talking to Whitney today and mentioned that I get this feeling that Rowan is going to be my dare devil, accident prone child-which I hoped by saying it out loud would make it less true. Because, despite the fact that he merely army crawls his way around the house, he is always getting under tables and chairs, getting into the cupboards, wanting to hold himself up standing, and then just letting go to get down when the mood strikes him, and when I am holding him he tries to wiggle out of my arms and lunge forward with the confidence of someone who can actually fly. So, tonight, Sam was not yet home from work, and I usually let the older boys watch something short and play while I have Rowan tubby, and then get him to bed. So, it was business as usual, and Rowan was doing his regular swimming laps, standing up, then sitting back down, which I usually have to help lower him back down, so he doesn't slip in any way. Then he will swim again, stand up, sit down- so he was standing up, and I was just waiting till he was ready to start sitting back down, but tonight instead he launched himself forward, hitting his face against the toilet seat, and began slipping on the floor when I caught him, and as I wrapped him in his towel, and stopped a little bleeding from his Quasimodo lip, I thought: "I knew it, he is going to be my dare devil accident prone..." I am terrified.

Back to birthday. It was a good day. I had balloons scattered around the house for when the boys woke up, sang to Rowan when he woke up, and then we just had a regular planned day. Josh had his cavities filled in his teeth, which he now has the reputation as "the best 2 year old maybe ever" title at the local pediatrics dentistry. (not to steal Rowan's thunder) and then we made a blue cake that the older boys helped me with. We sang, and Rowan opened one present and that... was it. 

Rowan is definitely loved a lot by his brothers, and he is still little enough where the boys give him their toys pretty willingly, and are eager to help him. Little by little he is starting to get more welcome to the older boys club, and he can get Josh and Kaj really laughing sometimes. I also should note that Rowan is a bit of a dad's boy. He loves hanging out with Sam, he loves when Sam gets home from work, or if he get to see him in the morning, he stays a lot happier when he is sitting on Sam's lap, and he usually wants to move on from my lap to play with the nearest item on the floor pretty quickly. The bias in me thinks he has the best smile ever. 

He continues to be more and more fun every day.

Merry Christmas '14

Merry Christmas! I am actually blogging right amid the chaos that is Christmas day, where any kind of structure is out the window, and a hurricane of toys have come through the house, and meals consist of snacks, and cookies.

Kaj: You were so excited about your angry bird with tele pods this year. Dad and I thought for sure you would lose it over the skylanders that we have heard endlessly about for the last month, and that was not the case. I love how happy and excited you are for others. It is a quality I have noticed in you for a while, and I hope you come to know that this is a very special thing, because it is rare. I also have loved that you refer to gingerbread man, as well as gingerbread houses as "ginger batman" and "Ginger batman houses." It is hilarious, and awesome! I have tried to focus on the way I am saying it to see if I am, in any way, mumbling, and I feel confident to say that I am not, but, I am very slow to make the correction. It is my "moff cloff." You are a sweet brother, and becoming a better example all the time. I have overheard you talking to Josh when he is sad to calm him down, and telling him things to make him feel better. You have fun with Rowan, and really enjoy laughing with him, and playing with him, and he loves every second of that attention from you-it will amazing this next year to see what kind of buddies you will become. I love you, Kaj. I am very happy to have you as my boy.

Josh: You are almost 3- need I say more? I have seen some...changes in you the last few months, and I can see you are trying to test some limits, which is ok, Josh, you are growing up. You are fun, you are exciting, you are quick to help me, and very adamant about helping especially if Kaj is trying to help too. You are learning what it is to be a big brother, and you are very patient most of the time. You love stories, you love listening to the same story again and again. You have started recently coming into our room every night after putting you to bed and insisting you sit on the potty. You usually don't go. But, you sit there, and then you decide when you are done, and you always wash your hands, and off to bed you go officially. You love ninjago, and you are the "blue ninja" most of the time. You were excited about the your ninjago legos, and have been playing with them contently all morning. You talk so much. You love to repeat prayers, or somewhat say them yourself. I really love to hear what you have to say. You are smart, and silly- an awesome combination. I love the spirit that you bring to the house, always have, and it seems like you have been a part of our lives a lot longer than 3 years. I love you, Josh. 

Rowan: You are seriously so cute, and so fun. You have an infectious laugh, and I will do just about anything to get you to laugh-embarrass myself to new levels. You have been my best sleeper since 5 months old, and there are no complaints with that. You absolutely love time with your brothers, tubby time with all 3 of you is your favorite time. You are the fastest army crawling thing in these parts. You are now attempting stairs, which you can do successfully on your own with me by your side. You are a pleasant little guy, that really loves your food, and persistent that the food keep coming or you start with the screeching. You love being with the family. You are open to new faces, and usually give people a sweet smile. You have 2 bottom teeth, and I can see the top 2 slowing peeking. You are a good, sweet boy, and I am excited to see what next year is like with you. I love you Rowe bears. You are my little bug.

Playing Holiday Catch Up

It's been long enough since I last blogged that I am actually losing content, so I need to play my holiday catch up now. We visited Utah for an early Thanksgiving, and stayed for 6 days. (Not long enough) We had been anticipating the trip for a while, and I heard a lot of "Are we going to Mor Mor's today?" 

We left on a Thursday at 10:00am, we had been hoping to leave much earlier, but we had to get the car in to get the tires changed, which was a wise decision. The drive there was really really really long. Sam had been really into his second book of a series, and he put on headphones, yes, noise blocking headphones after about a half an hour, which was my cue that I was on deck. I wiped Josh's noise every 20 minutes or so the first 5 hours of the drive, and then a little less frequently after that, I was on shows, food, Rowan, the whole 9. I was thrilled to take the wheel for the last couple hours. Ok, so it was long, but, when I look back at it, the boys did so well. They were well behaved, they listened, they didn't complain. I have to say as far as a 10 hour drive goes, it could have been so much worse. We got in around 10:30pm, and were thrilled to get the boys set up to sleep, chatted for a bit, and then slept also. 

We had a great time with family, and friends. We saw the new and improved aquarium, and it really is improved! The boys really like running around looking at everything with their cousins. We got family pictures done while we were in town, which we are anxiously awaiting them-maybe not losing sleep over, but excited to see how they turned out, but it was pretty amazing, because we were able to get all the cousins in a picture, which seemed like an impossible feat the last time we tried. We played games together, we had the kids play and enjoy time with each other, we had a lovely Thanksgiving meal which as Sam expressed his excited for mashed potatoes and gravy I realized I may want to be a grown up sometime and try that out at my own home! What a concept! Anita came over, and I felt so grateful to be surrounded by my family. I really feel blessed to have all of them enrich my life, and now to see them with my kids. It means a lot. 

The down side of the time was as I had mentioned wiping Josh's nose the whole drive long, well that is because of course the day before we left he started getting sick, we had not been sick for quite a while before the trip, and even since getting home, just when we go on vacation. So, at one point Sam and I were both feeling pretty lousy, Rowan was getting sick, and Kaj just mildly got sick, but it was all while we were in town. I really loved visiting. I love being able to stay with my parents, and being able to stay and talk with them, and spend time after kids are in bed. I love how happy my boys are to be with their MorMor and Pappy, and how loved they are. It really does make such a difference just seeing that, because it honestly can be really hard living far away. The relationships that I want to have are very important to me, and I love spending quality time with those people, so I always hope that there is still room for me and my family whenever we visit, even when there are memories being built when we are not there, and so far, so good. It was also amazing how many members of my family commented on how great Kaj is. How well behaved, and what a great kid he is, and really enjoyed being around him. He is a great kid, I am very lucky to be his mom.

We also were able to see Jon and Mandy and their family. They had recently got into a house, and we were able to see it, and listen to the plans they have for it. They were really excited, and we were very happy for them. They have great kids. Ben and Elena were waiting for us to arrive, and helped welcome Kaj and Josh right away, wanting to show them their toys, offering to help with shoes and jackets...whoa! Is that what it's like to have older kids?! My goodness! We had some food, and great conversation. We went over to BYU afterward, and got some cookies n cream chocolate milk, it was pretty delicious.

We also were able to spend time with friends while we were in town. We had a fun night with Ashley, Justin, Kathy, and Becca. We played games, and had good laughs, and great conversation. It was so fun being with everyone. I was also able to see Kim Hughes, who I adore! We calculated it had been about 2 years since we had last seen each other. Which seemed so wild. It was so strange to me that she and her family are in Utah... because Utah will always be my home, with my family there, and here Kim is... my New York friend now in Utah! I know! Right?! Mind blown.

The last night in town, Erik, Sam, and I went to the shooting range, because I had never been, and practiced shooting, and I was terrified. It took a lot of time before I finally felt OK about the whole thing. We met up with my parents, who had the boys at the Lego store, and we had plans to all go see the newly renovated Anita's house, but the boys were tired and cranky, so I was able to go, and it was nice being able to leisurely walk around, and enjoy really looking at all the amazing changes that were done. It was also fun to go with my dad, who could explain the details, and just how tricky parts of it were to do, and to still end up so amazing. It really is so strange that we even lived there once upon a time, and after seeing I definitely think Sam should see it for himself when we go back. 

All in all, so awesome to see everyone. We have a great family, and I always look forward to my visits. I miss them, and think of them every day.

Just Josh

I have expressed again and again the character that Josh is, and the fun that he brings into our house. Sam has Tuesdays off, and most of the time I spend Tuesdays running errands that I would have to do with 3 boys, but I do them alone, or with just one of them at a time. It has been amazing! There was a Tuesday that I ran around a lot with Josh. He had a dentist appointment, and he was honestly making a mom proud moments left and right. He listened, he was cooperative, he was amazing! We went to the store afterward, and I was in for a treat. He had me run in, and he proceeded to laser all the "bad guys" which was everyone with his arm, and would run and stop suddenly in a very super hero stance, and then would yell, "Mom, this way!" as he turned down different aisles! Needless to say, it was a very exciting trip to the grocery store.

Pumpkin Patch 2014

Last year we went to the the pumpkin patch in Redmond, and had a great time, I knew then we would have to come the next year, and fast forward a year, and we did indeed go again. Ha! Have I mentioned how much I love the fall? Have I mentioned that Bend is also very beautiful in the fall. (nudges to my family members) This year was better for a couple reasons, I was not pregnant, and Kaj was in a much better mood, and he was very excited about picking out pumpkins with his brother, and really really wanted to get home to make jack o lanterns. It was pretty windy, and a little chilly, but sunny, and with pumpkins for miles how could you resist the happiness you feel in those moments. I mean I really love the fall. We went on the train, as we had done the year before, and we squished the family into one little cart, and I knew this would be the last year we would be able to do that. I thought about future roller coasters thought, and how much fun it will be going on bigger rides with my funny boys.

my sister had pony, my cousin had pony, what's wrong with that?!

Worst Mom Day to Date..with a happy ending.

I have debated for a couple weeks now to write this event down. It was one for the books, that is for certain, and that is why I have decided to document it in our family books. It is hard to believe that the fun, adorable, spunky, little Joshy flipped a switch on me this day, and put the wheels in motion for an epically bad mom day. Mom's know what I am talking about. 

One Wednesday afternoon, I met up with a few friends at a skate park, that we usually don't go to, we went for my friend's older boys, and of course, my boys never mind a change of scenery going to a different park. At this park there was a skate area, a park near by, and then about a 10 minute walk there was another skating area. My 3 girlfriends, and 12 kids in tow walked down to the lower skate park. The older boys rode around, my boys enjoyed the walk, and were very impressed with riding on the different ramps, and slides and the tricks you could do. Kaj turned and asked, "Can we ride on this too?" I told him we had left our bikes in the car, but we could get them out when we got back up to the park. I will be honest, I hoped that when we got back up to the park the boys would be satisfied just riding around that area, and we wouldn't have to walk back down. Well, we finally got back up to the park, and Kaj began asking if we could go back down to skating area. I didn't want to disappoint him, and I had told him that we could do this, so I told the girls I was just going to go down for a bit, and let them try it out. I realized they were too little to want to stay too long anyway. So, with Rowan in the jogger, and the other boys on their bikes we walked down. I took the boys to the far side of the skate park, it was less crowded, and they wouldn't be in the way of the older boys, and they could try out some of the slides that were less scary...for me. Kaj was surprisingly really brave, and really good at it- I have to say. He would walk his bike to almost the top, and it would have been the top had I not said it was scaring me, and he rode down-no problem. Josh who wants to try and do everything Kaj does tried also. He is not nearly as skilled on his little bike just on level ground let alone these steep hills of concrete, so I wouldn't let him go as high as Kaj had, and each time Josh went down I was there to catch him, which I had to do, several times. "Thanks, mama." He would tell me. This scene would have been delightful, but it did not take long for Rowan to start crying. Not just soothable, "I'm just having a moment" crying, it was the "I am ticked" crying, and the kind where as a mom I just want to put out that fire, so I told the boys we needed to go. "Why?" Kaj asked, I asked them to please notice Rowan is crying, and we had to go, "Can we come here next week?" Kaj asked. I agreed...at the time. I noticed Josh needed help getting his bike over the ledge to get back on the pathway up to the park, so I hurried over took the bike, and lifted it over, and this is what started the meltdown. He was not ok that I had done that. This is when he began the classic 2 year old tantrum, he wanted his bike, and he did not want his bike at the same time. Rowan still bawling, I told Josh we had to go, Kaj came with me when I asked. Josh sat on the floor, next to his bike, and threw a fit, of course, I hoped he would follow, of course he did not. Still within earshot, and eye shot, I turned around to try to get Josh to walk with us again, a kid had sat down next to him, seeing if he was alright. The kid was probably 12, I thanked him as I approached. "What's wrong with him?" he asked me. "Just throwing a tantrum." I told him, and as he rode away on his scooter I could hear him say, "That's really messed up." I shook my head,  like he knows what this is like. So I walked towards the path again, and again Josh sat there. Rowan had not stopped crying, I was becoming a spectacle at this point with my audience being about 15 or so-12 to 16 year old boys. I told Kaj to stay with Rowan, and I walked over to Josh picked him up, picked up his bike. I marched back over to my other kids, with a screaming Josh, and realized his shoe had fallen off, of course it did. I then tried quickly to get Rowan to calm down, and told Josh he needed to get his shoe. No. I took Josh with me, went over, put his shoe back on, and picked him back, and back over to Kaj and screaming Rowan. Now, just trying to get the heck out of there, carrying Josh under one arm, I put the bike on top to the jogger, the jogger tips over backward, Rowan begins crying more--I can't blame him for that--trying to calm my now even louder screaming baby I notice a kid staring at me, "I don't need an audience." I told him. If it is not portrayed clearly enough at this point, I was maxed out, I was beyond frustrated. Two kids crying, I quickly walk away carrying Josh in one arm, the bike in the other, and pushing the jogger. I didn't get far before I realized Josh's flip flip had fallen off again, this time I told Kaj to please go get Josh's shoe. I wait for Kaj to catch up, and walk, this when I start to hear my audience of boys starting to yell things at me, I will be honest, I did not hear most of it with everything crashing down at once, I just heard things like, "bad mom" sprinkled throughout everything they were saying. Embarrassed and mad I yelled back, I didn't swear, all I said was, "You have no idea how hard this is! Try it! You have no idea!" And, because I am still carrying all my screaming children,  I can't even walk away boldly with dignity, knowing I stood up for myself. 

 I had just gotten past view of the arena of the skate park, and I sat down, and burst into tears. I could not even believe what had just occurred. Kaj, seeing how sad I was burst into tears himself. He had, up to this point, been the glue to hold the scene together. He had done everything I had asked him to, without me having to ask twice. Now, this is the awesome view- 3 little boys bawling, and a mom crying sitting on the ground head in her hands. I had to remind myself quickly, I am the mom, I have to pull myself together, and I grabbed Kaj's hand and asked him, why he was crying. He said, "Why are you sad?" I told him those boys had said some mean things, and had said I am a bad mom. With tears in his eyes, still shaking, he just said, "I hate them." Now, he knows we don't say hate, and we don't talk like that, but in this moment, yeah I let it slide. This is when 3 of the older boys came over, and said, "I'm sorry, that kid doesn't know what he is talking about. He shouldn't have said that. He doesn't know how hard it is." And I looked up these apologetic faces, and just said, "Thank you. No you don't know." And they agreed again, "I know, we don't know how hard it is." The older of the boys then asked, "Is there anyone that can help you?" I just told them I had friends up at the park. "Thanks. You are good kids." I told them. I tried to gather myself together again, turning to Josh this time, who has been crying this whole time, to please please, just walk with me. But, he is still 2 and half, and he still doesn't understand how much I need him to do this. Then a few more of the boys have walked over one of them with obvious tears on his face, telling me he is sorry, and he doesn't know how hard it is. I forgive him, and thank them, and begin my trek up to the park, again. Josh is still crying, and lagging behind, Kaj is determined to get us help at this point, and says, "I'm going to go tell Alicia you're sad." I tell him not to worry, but as I realize Josh is still not going to listen when Kaj insists again, I tell him, "yes, go find Alicia." I am still crying as I walk, and Kaj begins telling me, "Mom, you are a good mom. You do a lot of things for us. You make breakfast for us, you make dinner for us." This made me realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing kid to stick with me, and then to try to make me feel better. A lifetime later we got back up to the park, and I just cried, and told the girls very briefly what had happened, but turned to Kaj and said, "Can we please just go home." Truly, I couldn't take it if he were to argue about staying, and he thought a moment, and said, "Yeah, mom. We can. It will be alright."Alicia walked me to the car because I was still crying and helped me with the boys as Kaj continued to explain other reasons why I was a good mom, "You make us pancakes, you are a princess mom, you do a lot of things for us." I gave Kaj hugs, and thanked him again, and again for everything he had said and done. 

"Mom, I saved you." With different tears now turning from sadness to joy that quickly, I agreed, "You did." 

So, this day was an epic one, it ended a lot better than it could have, still it hurts to remember the embarrassment, and the sting of the words, but these young boys also realized the hurtfulness, and perhaps realized they had no room to say anything at all, but at the end of the day, Kaj really did come to my rescue. He was my little hero that day, I am so happy to have him for my little boy.