Rowan's 9th Birthday

How?! How can my sweet Rowan be 9 years old! I looked through my old blog books recently and ready Rowan's birth story followed by some of his baby years, and I remember it all so clearly. I can't believe I have known him for 9 years. Rowan is complex little soul. Obviously, the way that he looks at the world is a little different. The connections that he can make are ones that I wouldn't think of of my own. Example #1

Rowan had recently gotten into listening to Michael Jackson and Weird Al. He listened to the song "Bad" and the song "Fat." He would talk about how Michael Jackson was talented at making songs. When he saw a picture of Michael Jackson in later years, needless to say, he was quite shocked. As you would be if you hadn't seen his progression. We talked about people choosing to get surgeries, that he may have gotten too many surgeries. Rowan then decided he wasn't going to be getting a surgery on his face. Then concluded that Michael Jackson was good at making songs but not good at taking care of his body and that Weird Al may not have been good at making songs but was good at taking care of his body. Who knew you could link them in so many ways?!

When I took Rowan in for his well check. He began a similar conversation with the nurse. Rowan asked how old he was, and the man was a little shocked to ask so bold a question, he laughed, and answered. He showed him some of his favorite funny songs, and I could tell talking with Rowan was probably going to be the highlight of his day. Maybe week. Maybe year. 😏

Rowan is delightful. He brings up so many great questions and easy conversations. I would consider it one of his strengths, for sure. He is comfortable with himself and that makes him easy to be around. Rowan is funny and witty. Rowan loves being with the family, and is the first to say that he would much rather be with the family than anyone else. 

Rowan can be hard on himself, as we all can be. It feels a little more devastating coming from him though. His frustrations about the things he is unable to do in the moment really bother him. We talk a lot about practice and individual talents. 

Rowan decided he no longer needs glasses. 😳 I mean, that's one way to think of it. We will be finding out soon if that is true, but for now, that's what we are going with. 

I love Rowan so much. He is patient, polite, kind, smart, and an amazing brother. 

 

On a Better Note

I read through old blog books tonight...and after reading and thoroughly enjoying my own writing, I wanted to write tonight. I LOVE reading back on the things I have documented. I would have forgotten so many fine details, feelings, and stories and I treasure them so much. I also realized I have so many things to catch up on- and I fully intend to do so. But, before I forget some funny things from the last week.

Josh, on Thursday, this is the day currently that no one is at home. Lily has school, but Kaj also has his community day, and Sam is in Portland. I am fully 100% by myself. Weird. For only a day, and then I love my Thursdays! Fully and absolutely love them! For all the reasons all mothers out there know why. My sweet boy says in the morning in the car before dropping the boys off, "mom, Thursdays must be your saddest day because everyone is gone." Huh?? I didn't have the heart to tell him that was NOT the case! 😂 I did say they are my strangest day, which was closer to accurate. That same day, Lily had her career  dress up day at school. This whole month they have talked about different careers. She struggled to decide. She wanted to be a spider, or green goblin. We looked for a costume but found none. She then said she would be a skier. Perfect! As we were getting her ready she kept saying, "I think Joely is going to be a hot-dog."I laughed, and said, "maybe.. she might be dressed up as something else too, but she could be a hotdog." We got to her school when her friend Joely was getting there, and she said again, "I think she is going to be hotdog." 😂 She wasn't dressed up like a hotdog. 

 

Tomorrow

 

There was no picture I could choose to match the words today. I shouldn't be writing. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a woman I work with at church. She said her mom would write journals, but she never gave them to her kids because a lot of what she wrote was negative. She said she wishes her mom would have shared because kids should know that it is hard sometimes. 

 I have tried hard when I write to only paint the picture that is real. I share funny stories. I share hard stories, I share real feelings that I am having. 

Kids, your mom doesn't like herself. 

I get angry sometimes. I get mad at you sometimes, but it is mostly because I don't like myself. I don't think I am doing a good job. Whenever there is squabbles or fighting in the back of my mind I think it's because of me. If I had been a better example, if I showed more patience, or if I have taught you more...the truth is I also know you are really great kids. I am lucky to have you. I feel sorry you have been stuck with me. 

You see, I should not be writing this. It's too sad. It's too sad to write..or think. 

I hope you always like yourselves. I hope you know I always love you, that I will always see the best in you even on the days that you don't see the best in yourself. I just hope that you will come to me when you are sad. It's hard enough having a sad day, but at least if you can come to me you won't have to be alone and sad.

Alone and sad is worse. So, you always always have me. 

And because I apparently can't end on such a down note, I will say. It will be ok. I will probably like myself a little more tomorrow. 

My Boys

There really is no reason I need to sugar coat it, but after 13 years of marriage to Sam there is something I have never gotten used to, and it's the way he talks to me sometimes. It is not always the kindest words or tone, and just this morning when  I pointed it out to him, he said, "this is just the way I talk."

This morning I have a headache ( is this the point in our family stories that I start talking about my ailments? 😳😂 I hope not) but I did I have a headache this morning. I have noticed that I get these every month and have for about 2 years. They are awful and sometimes completely debilitating. I told me boys this morning to get themselves breakfast, but I would get down to make their lunches. When I came down about 15 minutes later, Josh was in the middle of making the lunches anyway. 

When I dropped off the 3 boys off at school,. they waved sweetly, Jonah asked me to pick him up, and Josh blew me a kiss, and then I teared up.

 There are moments when I have wondered why I am not treated better. When I have told myself maybe I didn't deserve to be treated better, but today, I realized I have 4 boys who treat me amazingly. 

They are kind, they are considerate, they are thoughtful, they care and love me so much. 

So, it  turns out, Heavenly Father thought I deserved to be treated 4x better.

Little Miracles

I feel like I have lost my voice. Figuratively, not literally. I think about sitting down to write again, but then I just think I have nothing to add. Nothing of importance to say. My boys took out all my old printed out blog books a couple weeks ago. They read a few excerpts but mostly just looked at the pictures. I love looking at the old pictures, but also reading. I wonder if there will be a day where my kids will read these, and tenderly get a better grasp on what their mom was all about. Both good and bad. 

I mentioned in another blog that Sam had been called to bishop. Did I talk about it at all? Did I say how I felt like we are misfit toys in this calling. It still feels that way. My mom gave advice that all I need to do is continue to be myself. I think it was good advice, but I think she sees me with mom goggles. As good moms always do 😂💁🏼‍♀️

What is fresh on my mind now are miracles. Two of them actually. One happened yesterday and the other happened a few weeks ago. Both involved Lily.

Yesterday I had forgotten only bread, but because school has started and I am making lunches every day I needed it. So, we were leaving Costco with just our bread, and we were turning left at the intersection by Safeway on 27th. The moment the light turned green everything slowed down. I didn't enter the intersection as I normally would, I was inching forward and suddenly a truck heading southbound ran the red light. I had to break in a second's time to not be hit. But, even when I realized it had not hit me, I could not see how. I turned left and took a moment to breathe the sigh of: "did that really just happen?" But, honestly, reflecting moments after and even now I truly feel like I was watched over with angels present. I don't feel like I was even in charge behind the wheel. If I had entered the intersection as I normally would I would have been hit broadside by a truck going at least 40 miles an hour. He was also completely in my blindside I was not looking to my left, my attention was not on the traffic in that direction. It's astonishing. I know Lily and I were protected. I am so thankful.

This happening made me think of the other one. Weeks ago we were invited over to swim at some friends pool.  They have a very fun pool with a hot tub. Lily was in the hot tub and she had wanted to float in a big tube, but she wanted to take off her life jacket so she could float on the tube easier. She could touch the   bench in the hot tub which is where she was playing, and I walked away when the boys called me to watch them jump from the deck to the pool. I was so excited watching them-clapping and cheering them on- and in the middle of that I knew I needed to check on Lily right then- I looked over and she had slipped through the middle of the tube. I could see her legs still kicking but she was not making any sounds I jumped in immediately threw the tube off of her and got her out of the water. She was ok. I could tell she had blowing the water out of her nose. But, truly don't want to even think if it had been seconds or heaven forbid minutes longer.

I think Lily must be very important. (I don't think these are the mom goggles talking). I think I am important to my mom. I think we are all very important to our Heavenly parents. 

I am thankful for miracles all around us. If there is a prayer out there I hope I can be in tune enough to be the answer on the other end. 

I guess I can still have things to say. 

 

Josh Turns 10

I have a memory of walking with Josh in the grocery story when he was about 2 years old. He was sitting in the front of the cart as most 2 years olds do, and a woman stopped me and she said, "I just have to tell you how cute your baby is...when I saw him I just had to come over because he is striking." I said thank you, and continued on my way, but also had the thought what an interesting word to use to describe him. 

So, the definition of striking is very attractive in a noticeable way. Other adjectives are: impressive and wonderful. You know where I am going. (Joshy, Joshy, Joshy) Yes, Josh is a handsome boy - but, I am thinking more on how he carries himself.  He attracts people to him because he is kind, he is a friend to everyone, he genuinely cares, and he loves making others happy. This is Josh, this is who he is. 

He is starting to become very in tune, and has some very tender stories that I will take the time to share here. One semi recently on a day where Rowan was already at jujitsu and Josh had his friend Pierce over, we were taking him home, and for some odd reason the sliding door kept beeping that it wasn't locking, it was closed, but not engaged fully. All the kids complained every time is beeped, but I reminded them we would worry about it when we were stopped at the house. When we dropped of Josh's friend the door had opened, but now would not close at all. It had completely frozen. I wasn't sure what to do, I thought to call the dealership, but what we would they do, and I really couldn't be late to get Rowan, but I would also be driving down busy streets with Lily's side open, which was concerning..now Josh piped in and suggested we say a prayer. ( I will credit myself just a bit here, because I have definitely stopped to pray with my kids for many different things in a bind) It had not occurred to me to do so. I told Josh to say it-he said a prayer and said thank you for many things and then added if we can fix the door and be on time to get Rowan. We finished the prayer and I was perhaps just waiting for the answer to come, but Josh got out of the car and tried the door again, and it closed. I started to drive thinking "did that just really happen that easily?" And Josh then says, " we need to say a prayer of thanksgiving." Right again! 

In the same week Josh and Kaj had been invited to go skiing for a birthday party up at hoodoo. The snow had been melting a bit and Sam had mentioned to watch out for the tree wells. This is where the snow has melted around the base of the tree but there could still but a lot of snow surrounding it and you can get stuck in them if you not careful. After a lot of night skiing, Kaj had not shown back up on a route they were taking and Josh felt that he should stop, take off his skis, he was directed where to go, and he found Kaj in a tree well, and got him out. 

Another sweet story more recently, we had the missionaries over right before Easter. And part of their Easter message was sharing the latest video. Now, when I read this many years down the road I would want to know that this is the video where Mary Magdelene is at the tomb and she sees the Savior. It then shows her rushing towards to apostles, but it jumps in and out of other clips-people rushing over to loved ones after a long time of not seeing each other, in hospitals, missionaries running up steps to share the gospel. There are embraces, and smiles, and happy and sad tears, and it is so great. After watching it with the missionaries, their challenge was to rush to someone, to comfort to care- something a long those lines. Monday night for family prayer Josh adds that we can rush to someone. Tuesday- Josh is playing football at recess the usual- he then notices his old buddy Shepherd in the field and he was crying. He had gotten hit in the face with a ball and it had knocked his glasses off and he was looking for the lens, Josh left the game to find all this out, and began to help, he then called over the rest of the boys playing football to get their help. They ended up finding the lens for Shepherd. 

This. This is why Josh is striking. He has such goodness, and he calls for others to do the same. He stands out because he is kind. He is noticeable because he nice to everyone around him. Happy Birthday to my now 10 year old, Josh. 

 

I'm the Mom

 Mother's Day is coming up this week. I am definitely not writing right now to toot my own horn. I don't have a horn to toot. I just sometimes to have to remind myself that I am the mom. I have 5 kids- why and how would I need to remind myself of this - my kids call for mom 50 times each at night after I have already said goodnight. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I really do need to remember that my kids are watching me.. it is pretty awful when you hear your kids repeating things you have said in moments when you are not acting or reacting the best. Jonah and Lily say, "I'm done" to each other when they are frustrated. 😳😂 and Yep! I say that too. 

I do hope I am doing some things right. I also kinda hope my kids will also remember who taught them those "right" things and don't just remember the things I am doing and did wrong. 

Kaj got up after our ward missionaries to bear his testimony this last week. He started by saying "Elders, it's not have you have to get up-it's you  get to How clever was that?! So very clever! I didn't even catch on that the missionary had said that when he had gotten up to share his testimony. But, the greatest thing is - that lesson was a lesson that I taught Kaj just a few weeks ago- and something that my mom had shared with me just weeks before that. 

My mom shared the story of a man who had come into her work, and as they were finishing up the test was asked if he had to go back to work afterward, and his answer, "yes, I get to go back to work." My mom noted the difference and shared her thoughts with me, which we agreed that with that slight change of thought it brought a more significant perspective with it. I shared that story with Kaj in a moment I thought he needed to hear it. But, then look! It was retained and I actually think it has made a difference to him. 

I guess that is why it is important to share things; share stories and insights, in hopes to bring positive change. 

And,  I need to stop saying that I'm done. Because, I'm not. I am sucker punched right back in because I love my kids. And, I will also never be done. And, I really don't want to be!