Joshy- 9 months

pretty tuckered to fall asleep in his high chair

Why wouldn't we have a doctor's appointment the week we are moving? I had to schedule Josh's 9 month appointment this week, when I made the appointment the next time they wanted to set it up was some time in January, and it was strange to say we would no longer be here. So, the latest stats on this little peanut are: 16lbs 11 oz putting him in the 15th percentile, he is 50th percentile for height, and his head.."is fine" according to the doctor. He now has two bottom teeth, and one top tooth. He is tongue tied, which we found out a couple months ago, but it hasn't interfered with eating, or babbling. He is still so sweet and so smiley. He is crawling, and is now racing against himself whenever he does, always trying to break the speed barrier! ha! He is pulling himself to stand more and more. One of my favorite things that Josh does, and has done for awhile, whenever he is excited to see someone he gives them a big smile, and throws one of his arms up in the air like he is preparing for a big hug. He is quite the little boy.

Breathe Between Boxes

Truth be told, I am not feeling myself the last few days. I have had a guilt settle as I make our house more and more chaotic. I get the feeling Kaj is trying to make sense of everything going on. It is hard to explain to a 2 year old what is happening with all the boxes. Though, I have explained with tear filled eyes that we would be saying good bye to his friends, and quickly recovered by telling him where we are moving too. "Amma's, and Ampa's." This home is a big deal for many reasons. For Kaj, this is where he made he first friends. Before we moved here, he was too little to care, and now he is used to seeing the sweet faces of these same kids time and time again, I can tell him where we are going- to see Ella, or Crew, or and Henry and Jane, or Cadence and Kennedy (though if he can tell those girls apart he is quite gifted) I know he knows them. And, I also know he likes to be around them. 

 Another big deal is the fact the when we came to New York there was only 3 members of our family, and we are now 4. Josh's first home. I know that Josh will not remember being here. But, I know that there are many friends of mine who will not forget this baby boy. A dear friend of mine left for Christmas vacation before I leave, and witnessing her saying goodbye to Josh was not an easy thing.

I don't do this often but, today I looked around and thought "is this my life?" I am a mom. I started thinking "what could/would I be doing if I wasn't a mom?" Well, the sad truth was as I began throwing myself a grand pity party, I thought "wow..there is nothing else I am really that good at that I could be doing instead, and I am really not that great of  mom, so... this really stinks." It is just one of those days... and  because just like my sleeves where I wear emotions, I also write in the exact honest mood I am in. I will chalk it up to the fact that we are moving, the house now has limited space, I am trying desperately to create normalcy for these little boys, but I believe I am failing them right now.

However, the moment I loaded these pictures to look at the faces of these kids...and being a mom to these two knuckle heads is the joy I can't live without.

This is how Kaj rode in the cart the whole grocery store event ha!

The Merriest Christmas house ever!!

I finally made it to the city! I was so happy to have with me Kim and Terri!

Actually ice skated at the Rockafellar Center

"V" is for...creeper stalker van?

Family Pictures 2012

 Well, I feel like I have taken a forced leave of absence, but I am happy to be back in business! We exchanged taking family pictures with a dear and great friend of mine from Long Island recently. It was a very fun thing to do. It made me feel a lot of pressure taking someone else's family photos...cue Sam, who really did a nice job- the wheels in his head start to spin, and he doesn't really feel pressured with something like that.

We took these pictures on Black Friday. We went up to Avalon, and for those of you who have visited us it is just above the duck pond area. I wasn't sure what I had in mind, but was sure there would be some thing... A door. By a barn. Perfect!!!

I just have a lot of feelings- these days especially. Going back and forth from emotional to sad, to excited to not really wanting to think about how I feel. I wrote a poem when my family was moving from the Sandy house and there is a line that says: "...packing boxes not ever really seeing, exactly what you're leaving" and it can easily get that way. The process of moving can really get time consuming, and meticulous, as you go out on quests throughout your home to organize your belongings as logically as you can. This time, however, I have made sure to stop and think about what I am leaving. I have taken time to think back on the absolute assurance that I had when moving here was the right thing to do. I had really known in my heart that this is where we would grow together as a family. There were never any doubts. But, it has done so much more than just that.
 I have grown. I feel like I will always be able to look back at this time in our lives here and know that this was a turning point.  I feel like I am a much better version of myself. I am happier. I feel confident in who I am--not always, but for the most part.
There will always be people who like you and there will always people who don't. I think it is so important to be on the side of people who do like you. I think finding value in yourself, and knowing that you have what it takes, and sometimes you really won't feel like that, but surrounding yourself by people who really love you, and  truly believe you do have what it takes..is not something to take lightly either. Believe them. If you can't do that...ask Heavenly Father. He will answer you.

oh Kaj bears...