A Complete 180

every day summer 2016

Over the last few days I have done a complete 180 from the feelings I posted last. Not to say I have been feeling like I need to drink all those days between posting. I have suddenly been feeling like I want to pause time. I can only imagine these feelings are coming on strong because school is starting. A week from Wednesday Kaj will be starting 1st grade and a week from Thursday Josh will be in preschool for a couple days a week. Preschool doesn't freak me out as much as the fact that next year Josh will be in Kindergarten. And that is where my stopping time is coming in. 

Rowan... is so fun right now. He is so sweet and so funny. I cannot begin to write all the things that make us laugh about Rowan. His singing, his pretend phone conversations with any object available, his love for his doggy. He knocks on the front door and is genuinely so happy when you welcome him in the house. His insistent for bandaids on both of his thumb with no injury necessary. He loves songs at night and kisses and says I love you. And imagining him not doing these things...no thank you!

hike up Tumalo Falls

Old Mill with cousins

Frankly, I love all my kids just as they right now. If I could just add sequential hours of sleep to my life I would leave it just the way it is. I looked at Kaj and Josh the other day sitting next to each other and imagined them with weird mustaches growing in, and their voices changing and ...eeh.. I am a little nervous what puberty is going to look like in our house. Sam better gear up for all ...of that because I might be going to get my toes done. 

sprinklers with cousins

I also came to the realization...this whole summer I have been apologetic in my head thinking how hard this summer must have been for them, but it hasn't been at all! They have a new baby brother who they adore. Kaj and Josh both learned how to ride their bikes on two wheels. We have done a lot of sprinklers, and a lot of biking. We have had family in town, they have played with cousins, they have gone mountain biking with their dad many times, they have gone camping. I mean...that sounds like one heck of a summer actually. Cheers! I love these boys so very much. I know I can't keep them little but I am sure going to try to capture moments, and write things down so I can always go back and remember the times when they would only go to bed after mom gives them a hug and a kiss. 

life lessons at High Desert Museum

Candy shop

Add every day when she was visiting

Dandy's date while the big boys went camping

A smiling Jonah 

Scotch on the Rocks

I don't know much about drinks all I know is I am not sure this would be strong enough today. It seems appropriate that I am writing this on the first day back in business solo. For the past week I have been fortunate enough to have Sam's parents in town helping. Before that my sister was here, and then my mom for a week. Although there was a little space between visits Jonah was a few week old and just slept. In a matter of weeks this has changed where he spends most of his awake time crying. 

So, in true fashion there was a point today where everyone was crying in the house at the same time. Seems about right. 

It has been one of those days where I feel lost in motherhood. I mean this in a number of ways. I don't know what I am doing. I am not even doing that good of a job and that is all I am doing. I also feel like I lost me in motherhood. I don't sit down and write anymore ( I know I know I am writing now) I don't sing, I don't play the piano--and all of these things I truly love. Loved. Love. I don't feel like a grown woman. How could I? It is 1 o clock in the afternoon and I am wearing Mickey Mouse sweatpants and the most I have done to put myself "together" is put dry shampoo in my hair. 

The "Gentlemans cut"

Grandpa Jo letting Josh steer

So that is it. That sums up today. My older boys who have been wanting lunch for a couple of hours now have been asked to clean their room in order to have lunch and instead I hear them messing around, and even though I remind them that the faster they get done the sooner they can eat. Cue the scene of Brian Regan with instructions bouncing off his head. Unlearnable.  With Rowan I still got out, I feel like I did. I could be remembering it wrong, but this 4th is turning me into someone who feels incapable of getting out with all of my boys. My new plan is to sight my expectations at absolute zero. Zero plans to get myself ready, zero plans of going anywhere with the boys, no goals to clean anything and that way anything that does get done I will consider a victory. 

Kai's turn to drive

blue bellied lizard at Oliver's

Paint ball gun target shooting

Two of the cutest boys on two wheelers