In Regards to the Daughter I Didn't Have

We are 6 months into this after having baby Jonah and I will still hear conversations between Kaj and Josh talking, "And if we have another baby" or "When we have another baby." But, mister Jonah bears is the bookend baby. He is adored in every way. His brothers love him so much. They talk with him, hold him, and laugh with him. He's a lucky kid. Truth is, 6 months in, and I am still unraveling my feelings about not having a baby girl. What is to unravel? I had a boy. But, there are things to unravel because the thought can still sting. That's how I know.

I will sometimes think thoughts like: I couldn't be a mom to a girl. I'm just not girly enough. (Of course this is not a logical reason) But honestly, boy after boy after boy after boy I really have become less and less girly. I was tucking my pajama bottoms into my socks the other night and I was telling Sam in order to keep warm at night this is what needs to be done. Sam teasingly turned to Jonah whom he was holding and said, "There's your mom again always keeping it classy." haha!! I don't think I am complete hot mess but probably 90% of this winter has me in my ponytail, comfy clothes, and maybe a little make up on. But, I do believe I would want to paint little fingernails, and curl long hair and accessorize with pretty bows when she is little. More importantly I would want her to be  confident, smart, and a lot more sure of herself than I ever was. I pictured Sam with a little girl. How he would care for her, and look at her lovingly. I thought of a sister with all her brothers surrounding her, Protective and doting.

I also think about my mom and my sisters. I think about the relationships I have with these important women. I think how I will never experience a mother/daughter relationship. I won't. I will never know what that feels like. I will only get to imagine what it could have been like. That will be the closest I ever get.

Now, the tone of this is not mopey-it's not supposed to be-it's a matter of fact. Sam imagined we would have had a little girl with blonde hair and olive skin ( which track record wise she would not have had blonde hair) but that is about as far as I can get...just the image of her I had in my head. I don't know the degree of sass versus sweetness or spunk versus seriousness. I can't think how much she would like dolls, dance, or other sports. I couldn't make up her personality. I can think of the relationship I would have wanted to have with any daughter. That's it.

I have my sons. I love them. I love each of them, and I know each of them. I don't have to paint pictures--they are 4 of the most handsome and sweet boys I could have ever dreamed up. I was not given a daughter. I was given these boys. I intend to be the best mom of boys that I can be since this is my specialty I hope I am doing a good job already. In regards to the daughter I didn't have...  I would have loved her. But, my reality is I get to love these 4 boys of mine every day.