Another Year Has Gone By yyiiii ( Celine Dion Version)

Kaj is so good at making goals, and resolutions for the new year. So is Rowan actually. He has goals down to the second on what he wants to run for cross country for next season. I used to be very good at it. I used to be very good at a lot of things. I don't think it's as if I am not good at those things anymore, but coming into focus are some different things. Like realizing that I am important. Knowing that I am loved. I am loved by my kids, my friends, and family, and, my Jesus. I know I only want to be around others who see my value and worth. 

In Young Women's today I felt very emotional. I have so many reasons sometimes. The question was asked, "if someone were to summarize your life what would you want to be remembered for?" I wasn't very articulate in class as I explained, because it made me cry. It made me cry at first because I first thought of my pain. (Unfortunately) I thoughts of the injustices and betrayals. I thought of love that I lost or maybe never had. I thought of hurt caused by people who said that loved me, that they cared about me. But, then on the flip side I thought of laughing with my kids, and popping out of the subway in the middle of New York City with my friends, I thought of holding my babies for the first time, I thought of singing on choir tours, and being with friends who never showed anything but love for me. I thought of sisters when they surprised me for me birthday. I thought of how I truly see the best in other people aways, I thought about music, and how it makes me so happy. So, I would want to be remembered for loving others, for building- not in the construction sense because I can't do that-but for building up others. I know I am considered a friend. One who loves and listens. I also want to be remembered for showing compassion to others.

I also thought about Jesus. I thought about how I haven't always known that He loves me, and sometimes

I still don't, but I know the moments where I am felt SO much love, an undeniable sense of it, and I would want be someone who reflects that kind of love. 

So, as we are heading into a New Year I think there will be a few things that I would choose and it would be to a better example of Christ like love, but also extend that kind of love for myself. I also intend to write. I do not want this side of me to go the wayside. It is a deeply important side. I intend to write for cathartic purposed but, also, to create. There are reasons I am feeling a new strength inside myself and it needs action, 

 

I am not a strong swimmer

...Or in this case mathematician. Forget everything I ever thought or said about 13 year olds. Josh, there are still times that he does drive me nuts, but I feel like all of that got wiped away when I saw the interactions I saw tonight. Rowan's workload in middle school has been nothing to trifle with. He has something he needs to work on almost every night, and it is definitely weighing on him. (To be continued because I do feel like I need to meet with some teachers to see what accommodations can work for Rowan while still pushing him.) Rowan worked very hard on a recent math test, and he had told me afterward that he felt really good about it, only for his hopes to be dashed when he found out what he got. He came to me in tears yesterday, and it broke my heart. I talked to Josh about this later, because there have been many moments in the last few weeks where Josh has helped Rowan with his math homework. So, I asked him if he could help him again.

The U-Pick farm Mount Hood

 With the most patience, love, and encouragement Josh went through all of Rowan's homework with him. He got out our magnets to work with Rowan on the visual side of things, and continued to be innovative but, also allowing Rowan to work things out on his own. He was never short, he never made him feel bad if he got the answer wrong, but, simply invited to try again. I was blown away with him. With both of them. Rowan, working so hard, and being gracious to Josh for his time, and Josh. See, I am not a strong mathematician. Listen, I know some, but I am self aware enough to know I can't instruct.  Josh did this beautifully. It makes me feel so proud to have these kind of boys surrounding me. This is where I have gotten so lucky. I am allowed any credit?? I don't even know. I may not know a lot about math, but I know a lot about kindness, and I am so happy my kids have it.

 

New School Year

Kaj is a sophomore this year. We have been out driving a lot. He is kind to everyone at school and is example there constantly. I have been stopped by multiple people commenting about how he goes out of his way to talk to and invite others to be a part of the group. I am very proud of the young man Kaj is. Lily is the sweetest little thing. She is in 1st grade, and growing up so fast. She is in soccer right now and she loves it. She is so fast, and so fun to see out on the field. She is so smart. She is reading like a champ and she is a great friend.

Jonah is in 3rd grade this year. Speaking of soccer, holy moly, Jonah is so good. He is very natural on the field. He weaves in and out of people and such a force out there. At home he is constantly reading, and he still loves math, and has a lot of friends. 

Rowan is in 6th grade this year, and after a lot of wrestling with what to do he is going to Realms. There is a lot that he is learning and needing to manage but he is doing a great job. He is running cross country for Sky view and I think he has really found his groove. He is very happy and very motivated and has done extremely well. I am so thankful for everything he is doing. 

Josh looks like a full grown man here for some reason. Ah! Josh is in 8th grade this year- last year in middle school- no thank you! But, he likes his schedule and is doing well in all his classes. He has a lot of friends and knows stay away from any drama. He is doing football and soccer. The funniest thing about Josh's new schedule he has started to riding his bike to Pine Nursery in the morning and meeting his friend at the field before school begins and then has sometimes come to my house to make eggs or have gone to chik fil a. They started charging buddies a delivery fee to make money friends orders, and there was also a time where they were making milk shakes to put there bottles to sip throughout the day. 

There is also the great subject of one of Rowan's favorite topics- puberty. He loves talking about puberty right now. How tall he thinks he is going to be, when his voice is going to become deeper..He also will talk about tips he has when he is taking girls on dates ( I think this is also deriving from Kaj talking about it a bit more) but his advice is, "don't have bad breath,"  to do that " brush your teeth before your date, then chew gum, and have a tik tac" Sure advice. The other thing he will mention is that he really hopes he does not get pimples, when he was telling me this he said, " you know.. because of this." And then gestured to his whole face. 😂 I mean- he has a point. To which, I completely agreed, he has a very nice face. I love this confidence - we were talking the other day about crushes. Jonah has a girl that creepily stares and him every day on the way home from school. Like- tries to penetrate the car with he stares. Jonah ducks down in his seat. Rowan was saying that that was nice for a girl to like him, and Rowan said, " I mean I know I am everyone's type, but no girl's like me like that." I just said not all girls make it that known who they like. 

Anyways, I do love my kids so much, I wonder sometimes what I would be feeling without them home. I think pretty lonely. I spend a lot of nights staying up later chatting and laughing with the older boys. 

 

Jonah and the Ortho

 Jonah's sure cute. This summer Jonah was on the calendar to start phase one of his braces journey. Sam does not like that they do this in two phases. However, I would have to agree Jonah does not have room for all his teeth. So, we went in one summer morning to get the expander put in. When we got home that day he ended coming down with a fever and was starting to feel sick. On top of it he had to then learn how to eat with this humungous contraption in his mouth. I was begging him to eat, and feeding him anything he would remotely try. It took him an hour to eat a few bites of avocado. Jonah is not a big kid, and I knew this would not be going well for him. I called the next day to let them know what was going on with him and that I was really worried, they kind of listened, but they mostly just said stick with it over the weekend and he will eventually get used to eating with it.  I knew Jonah would not be able to get over it. He was living on a yogurt a day. I was fully bribing him to eat with toys and pretty much anything because his already small frame was becoming so unreasonable so quickly. I took him to the doctor in hopes I could get the doctor to call the orthodontist to express his opinion that he was in fact underweight. 

In the end, it was less than week that he had the expander in his mouth and he had gotten down to 47 lbs and a week later he was back up to 60. So.. we will be revisiting braces at a later time and will be skipping the expander. 

Gramma Rose's Summer '25

We heard legendary things of Gramma Rose's from years ago when are friends visited this place. It has animal hoarding vibes, that is for certain, but it was a really cool experience. I went with a big group friends and their kids- 

Rowan and Kaj missed out on this one. When we first arrived we were introduced to a Zebra. It bit Jonah pretty quickly. and then shortly after that were let into a cage with a porcupine. 

Then we went into a room where Gramma Rose proceeded to tell us to all have a seat with a towel on our laps and shout out animal orders to be received. Just an assortment of animals- birds, bunnies, 

and snakes living together in harmony-like they do ha! There was also a millipede- which was apparently a gem and gift that Gramma Rose made sure she told us how much she loved. We went out to feed the wallabies and the kangaroos. This was literally such an odd not you average day experience. But, also to keep in mind as you look around it was in fact she lived. There were a couple of peacocks walking around and mostly the animals seems content with their lives. I certainly hope so, and I also think Lily was in heaven with all the animals. It was a bit of a drive, but in the end I am definely glad that we went!

 

Oregon Coast Lincoln City '25

After a lot of thoughts and planning we decided that we would all meet at the Oregon Coast this year. We came to the conclusion based on past years and trying to find each other in Yellow Stone and realizing that the kids just want the cool house to be together and having something so close to the beach for them to go down when they need something to do even more of a plus. So, that's what we did. 

Everyone had a great time together. There were a lot more tears than usual, however. because after this trip, Meg's family would be moving to Alabama for a new job position for Alan. Everyone was crying. I was crying a lot too, even though Meg and I will still keep in touch the same way we have, but it just feels farther away. I don't like that. But, I love my family so much. They are so supportive of me and my family and I know nothing will change that. 

Jonah's 9th Birthday

We celebrated a couple times this summer Jonah's birthday. Once at the Oregon Coast, with the family, and then a combined birthday with some friends. Jonah is an amazing kid. He has the ability to make friends with everyone. He has this huge smile, a loud voice, a great laugh, and great hugs. He is incredibly self driven and very smart. He was the top runner at school last year running 52 miles for running club. He  is quick witted and confident. He is also very tender and sensitive. I had said one morning that I had had a bad dream it was a night that Jonah had come into our bed, and he said "mom, sorry I didn't protect you from that." 

When we were all at the Oregon Coast together, and we we were trying to take pictures Jonah would walk past and just say random things just to say them. Justin laughed and said, "He is such an agent of chaos." I kind of loved that. He is. How can an agent of chaos also be such a delightful character. He is one of a kind. There was an another funny moment at the Oregon Coast where we had taken the kids to a park by the water. We had spike ball, and other things, but suddenly all the kids were being dragged into this little boy's very vivid imagination. He was wearing a humungous helmet with goggles on them and talking about outbreaks and infections, and that he was the only one who could save everyone. We laughed watching it, because all the kids were kind of there just playing along and wondering how this had happened. They were all gathered up around the kid who was shouting at them about the game, and then we Jonah- the only one walking away, and he walks passed us, and says, "whose this kid?" It was hilarious. Jonah is not afraid to do his own thing. He is so special and I am so excited to see what he does. 

 

Summer 24

This is what I am ready to write about. There was such heart break that happened in my family at this time. It's crazy because it feels such tragic and close to me, and I am definitely once removed from the kind of feelings that the people most impacted must be feeling. It was July 7th last year that Whitney called me pretty early in the morning, and said the Jesse's little girl, Lily, had drowned and died. I could grasp this kind of heart break. I kept putting myself in their shoes, and could not begin to fathom. She was 3 years old. She had been swimming all day in a family members pool vacationing away from their home, and she had taken her floaties off during dinner and she had jumped back in. Lily was found, and Kelsey, her mother tried to give mouth and mouth and ambulance was called, but it was too late.

For Lily 

Little footsteps.

I memorized the weight of them

I know them.

I know when it’s you 

Who needs me

I can hear them.

Running, excited to see me

And jump into arms that

Love you

So 

Much.

So much that I can’t see

Through tears

That seem endless

 

So, how does it end?

You’re a daughter

A sister

A friend 

Still

Is there a penalty 

To thinking

This isn’t fair

I can’t go home without you

But, I find

A Savior there.

 

Can He hold me?

Like I want to hold you?

How many times

Have I thought about

If I could only stop the time 

Before

With little high fives

And little smiles

I would ask for nothing more

Than to be able to reach out

And touch your little face

How can I stay in this place?

With this grief

With whom so few can share

To have pain not healed by time

And yet,

A Savior’s there.

But I Know 

You Know 

How very loved you are

Perhaps the only way

I sleep.

But I also know 

You’re mine forever

The little girl I get to keep.

But, I still wanted to raise you

I wanted to teach you

There were still

“I love you’s” to share

If I can’t tell you in person

You’ll have 

The Savior There. 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                By: Christina Christensen

 These were the words that came to me the day I got this news. Just like a lot of my writing when is comes to grief I find the words seems to already be written I just need to locate them and put them in their place. The Savior is woven into this poem - as He is likely woven into our lives. One moment that I could not bear to think about for them was the moment they would have to arrive home. They stayed in CA a while probably for that very reason-they couldn't face going home without her.  But, as I wrote the words "But, I find a Savior there." the first time. I knew it was true. I knew that as awful as it must have been stepping back into a world where Lily was last that they would somehow find a peace in that space that only having the Savior there could bring. 

About a month later.. my cousin Kalli died. With Whitney working with the Bevan's so closely I was able to hear a lot of tender stories. She died from appendiceal cancer-which is very rare. When she got the news she didn't ask "Why me?"  She said, "Why not me?" I did not have a good feeling of the outcome of this when I first learned, and neither did some of her sisters. But, they were with her so much, and her husband was able to be with her and much as could because of working for Bruce. 

 

For Kalli

I saw you in the sky today.

With all those shades of blue

I never thought it’d be

This Quiet

When spending time with you

 

I was trying to think

Of every core memory

That had your laugh in it

Until I could remember

Every

Single

One

And I stayed just to bask in it

As if if were the sun

 

Because you’re not a memory.

Or a picture.

But a permanent fixture.

 

After all,

We’re sisters

So, we get just get it

 

We never stay mad

There’s always more to say

We know the beginnings of all the stories

We could be together every day

And never tire of our own company

In fact, 

It feels like all we need. 

We know

It will all work out in the wash

 

I will hold your kids

You will hold my tears

A trade that’s always fair

We have made throughout the years

We always have each other’s back

No matter the cost

You always were

The best of us

A fact that’s never lost

 

Remember how

We always took the long way

So we could finish talking

And now—

We have to

Pause.

 

So, I guess I’ll keep on walking. 

 

Looking for you along the way

Until we are back

In the place we all can share

This makes me look more heavenward

I hope I can prepare

To see your lovely face 

 

Because things really feel so different 

I know it won’t be the same

But, I realize exactly where I can always find you

You'll still never miss a game.

                                                                                                       

Like so many hard things in life there is beauty in it too. While I was there for both of the funerals, as we were leaving Lily's and grabbing a bit to eat- I saw what I could have sworn was Nathan Leslie, Kathy's brother. I eye balled him a few times as he did me. Finally, my sister went and asked him with my close behind that it WAS him. I kept believing it wasn't because I knew he didn't live in Utah anymore, and he was doing the same to me because he knew I lived in Oregon. We sent this hilarious picture straight to Kathy. 😂 Her reply "What the hell?!" We made plans, and it was amazing to see her. It was amazing to see my whole family that trip. But, I left that trip really valuing my relationships in a whole new way. I want to be remembered as a person who loved. This was the legacy left by Kalli and Lily. 

 

Jonah's 8th birthday

This is being added to the book series late. Which Jonah was sad to notice the absence. There were a few things last summer that took me away from documenting the summer, and I think Jonah's birhtday was lost in the shuffle. I am ready to revisit it now, and catch that time up. 

It was a big birthday for Jonah last year in that he turned 8 and was baptized. A lot of family was able to join us for the event, and it was really fun. I know there are ups and downs of having a summer birthday, butI can think of quite a few that we were able to celebrate because family was visiting for the summer. 

Jonah is a sweet and complex character. I actually think he is most sweet. He notices when I am sad. Iterated by this hilarious conversation:  Jonah: are you sad?

Me" Yes. I am. 

Jonah: Ok. I'll snuggle with you after my shower." 

Jonah is a blessed kid, in that, he is literally good at everything. He is very smart. He is very good at math and reading, and is very quick to learn. He is good at every sport he tries.  He is so handsome, he is also very funny and charismatic.  I would say everyone is drawn in to Jonah. He is just a soul you want to be around. And Bless him..when he sings songs to the music he loves...he sings loud and proud and I cannot get enough of it. Jonah has always kept a special place...well, for me! He cares very deeply for his mom, and it shows. I hope that doesn't change. It hasn't yet.

How dang handsome can he possibly be?!

 

2 Spring Breaks

Heh heh. We...maybe had two spring breaks this year. We went to Utah for the first one. I always throw it out to m sisters to see if our spring breaks line up, and Caitlin said hers did! But, upon, further investigation of her calendar she realized it actually did not. I talked with other sisters and my mom to get their input on whether or not we should still come out, and Whitney said she would take her kids out of school a couple days if we came out, and that was that. My mom had plenty of time off, and Whit did take her kids out for two of the days, Caitlin took off a half a day, and we stayed with Meg on the two book end days of the trip which is always delightful. Also, in the the big news category...Meggie and her family are moving to Alabama. I don't think I am ready to write about that yet. But, it actually very sad to think that she will not be there when I go out there.

We always make sure we pack plenty in with the family which this trip was no exception. We went out on a hike--where-I thought I lost Rowan. It was an awful experience. Truly, terrible. I saw him between the groups of kids, and then when I called Kaj he wasn't with them, and then he wasn't with the other cousins. Basically...I cried and panicked and thought of my little Rowan and how scared he must be, and then how long it would be till I had to call search and rescue. Megan was with me, and Whitney and my mom and separated two different directions. That, was ultimately the biggest issue on this particular hike. There were so many forks in the trail. Every time I would hear the older kids shouting Rowan's name I would cry and panic more because that just meant he was still not with them. I called Kaj again and he said, "Mom. just breathe. He is with the other cousins." I asked if he saw him, and he said he just knew. That was the case. Rowan was never lost. He was another group of cousins that had never left each other, and Rowan came over to me like I was a crazy person. He never had to recover, which I was so thankful. I had to recover. But, he was never lost. 

We went to a lot of different parks, we went to get out hearts checked, ( like ya do on vacation ha!) We went to a really fun trampoline park. We went to Park City to do the Moutain Coaster with Caitlin and her kids, played plenty of games outside, and card games inside. We were also able to sneak down to spend time with Jon and Mandy and their family, and we were delighted to be with them, 

Getting our hearts checked 

ninja course and a trampoline park

 Park City Mountain Coaster

Man buns with Uncle Justin

Ultimate Frisbee time

Ok...as for the second set of spring breaks 😂 After talking with Whit one day, and her expressing that she really had no plans at all for spring break I quicken proposed she come to Bend. She said, "well, maybe we will." That maybe I will comment tells me every time if I can really entice people to visit. I said that we would take a couple days off of school also- after all, she had done that for me. My kids were more than happy to oblige. I let my kids pick the days the wanted to take off but told them they had to go at least one while Whit and her kids were there, and we really had a good little mix. 

My mom and Whit and her girls came out, and as usual we had a great time.