Summer 24

This is what I am ready to write about. There was such heart break that happened in my family at this time. It's crazy because it feels such tragic and close to me, and I am definitely once removed from the kind of feelings that the people most impacted must be feeling. It was July 7th last year that Whitney called me pretty early in the morning, and said the Jesse's little girl, Lily, had drowned and died. I could grasp this kind of heart break. I kept putting myself in their shoes, and could not begin to fathom. She was 3 years old. She had been swimming all day in a family members pool vacationing away from their home, and she had taken her floaties off during dinner and she had jumped back in. Lily was found, and Kelsey, her mother tried to give mouth and mouth and ambulance was called, but it was too late.

For Lily 

Little footsteps.

I memorized the weight of them

I know them.

I know when it’s you 

Who needs me

I can hear them.

Running, excited to see me

And jump into arms that

Love you

So 

Much.

So much that I can’t see

Through tears

That seem endless

 

So, how does it end?

You’re a daughter

A sister

A friend 

Still

Is there a penalty 

To thinking

This isn’t fair

I can’t go home without you

But, I find

A Savior there.

 

Can He hold me?

Like I want to hold you?

How many times

Have I thought about

If I could only stop the time 

Before

With little high fives

And little smiles

I would ask for nothing more

Than to be able to reach out

And touch your little face

How can I stay in this place?

With this grief

With whom so few can share

To have pain not healed by time

And yet,

A Savior’s there.

But I Know 

You Know 

How very loved you are

Perhaps the only way

I sleep.

But I also know 

You’re mine forever

The little girl I get to keep.

But, I still wanted to raise you

I wanted to teach you

There were still

“I love you’s” to share

If I can’t tell you in person

You’ll have 

The Savior There. 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                By: Christina Christensen

 These were the words that came to me the day I got this news. Just like a lot of my writing when is comes to grief I find the words seems to already be written I just need to locate them and put them in their place. The Savior is woven into this poem - as He is likely woven into our lives. One moment that I could not bear to think about for them was the moment they would have to arrive home. They stayed in CA a while probably for that very reason-they couldn't face going home without her.  But, as I wrote the words "But, I find a Savior there." the first time. I knew it was true. I knew that as awful as it must have been stepping back into a world where Lily was last that they would somehow find a peace in that space that only having the Savior there could bring. 

About a month later.. my cousin Kalli died. With Whitney working with the Bevan's so closely I was able to hear a lot of tender stories. She died from appendiceal cancer-which is very rare. When she got the news she didn't ask "Why me?"  She said, "Why not me?" I did not have a good feeling of the outcome of this when I first learned, and neither did some of her sisters. But, they were with her so much, and her husband was able to be with her and much as could because of working for Bruce. 

 

For Kalli

I saw you in the sky today.

With all those shades of blue

I never thought it’d be

This Quiet

When spending time with you

 

I was trying to think

Of every core memory

That had your laugh in it

Until I could remember

Every

Single

One

And I stayed just to bask in it

As if if were the sun

 

Because you’re not a memory.

Or a picture.

But a permanent fixture.

 

After all,

We’re sisters

So, we get just get it

 

We never stay mad

There’s always more to say

We know the beginnings of all the stories

We could be together every day

And never tire of our own company

In fact, 

It feels like all we need. 

We know

It will all work out in the wash

 

I will hold your kids

You will hold my tears

A trade that’s always fair

We have made throughout the years

We always have each other’s back

No matter the cost

You always were

The best of us

A fact that’s never lost

 

Remember how

We always took the long way

So we could finish talking

And now—

We have to

Pause.

 

So, I guess I’ll keep on walking. 

 

Looking for you along the way

Until we are back

In the place we all can share

This makes me look more heavenward

I hope I can prepare

To see your lovely face 

 

Because things really feel so different 

I know it won’t be the same

But, I realize exactly where I can always find you

You'll still never miss a game.

                                                                                                       

Like so many hard things in life there is beauty in it too. While I was there for both of the funerals, as we were leaving Lily's and grabbing a bit to eat- I saw what I could have sworn was Nathan Leslie, Kathy's brother. I eye balled him a few times as he did me. Finally, my sister went and asked him with my close behind that it WAS him. I kept believing it wasn't because I knew he didn't live in Utah anymore, and he was doing the same to me because he knew I lived in Oregon. We sent this hilarious picture straight to Kathy. 😂 Her reply "What the hell?!" We made plans, and it was amazing to see her. It was amazing to see my whole family that trip. But, I left that trip really valuing my relationships in a whole new way. I want to be remembered as a person who loved. This was the legacy left by Kalli and Lily.