Conversations with Rowan

These lovely wintery pictures don't accurately say that this is the last day of school, and we are officially into the summer. Rowan is very happy about this. I have had mixed feelings about this school year for Rowan. He hasn't seemed to enjoy the year very much for reasons I can only guess.

Rowan became a bit of a mystery this year. He seemed to clam up, he doesn't seem to be fully himself. He is probably starting the long road of trying to figure the answer to that question of who he is. He decided this year that friends were not important. He wants only his family to be his friends, which I am more than happy to hear that, but hearing that feels lonely to me..

Rowan and I talking about friends/friendships: 

Rowan: I just don't want any friends

Me: Oh ok, well you are always going to be around other people, so maybe just try and be friendly

Rowan: (getting slightly annoyed) Well, ok, but I just don't want friends

Me: What have you been doing at recess?

Rowan: I just walk around by myself 

Me: ( keeping in tears) Oh, well that seems kind of lonely

Rowan: I like to be lonely

Me: Oh ok. Why?

Rowan: I am calm. And I don't have issues with anyone

I don't know if these means he has had conflicts with other kids. I knew of one time where during a game at recess a kid was targeting Rowan to get him out

I know that when I went to a school event this week and saw some interactions with some kids and Rowan I really didn't like it. I mean-REALLY

Many of the kids bossed him around, made him take the blame for things going wrong in the game, and didn't speak to him very nicely. 

I wouldn't like the school year much either if that is what he was experiencing. 

Rowan added: But, I did talk with Forrest the last couple days

Me: Oh, good. Well, are you happy about that?

Rowan: Uh.. yeah. I like talking to Forrest. 

Forrest is a member of our ward's son who is home from college for the summer so he worked at the school the last couple weeks before school was out. He is the nicest, happiest kid and the boys love him. I can't explain how thankful I am for him and him taking time for Rowan. 

Spiritual Conversations with Rowan

Rowan: Mom...I don't believe in Jesus Christ, but I am trying to believe 

Me: Well, Rowan, that's all we are asked to do, is try. 

Rowan: I am really happy I picked the plan of Salvation.

Me: (sweetly surprised at his statement) Oh! Why is that?

Rowan: Because I got to have this body, and I can have sweet things and also protein 😂😊

He is the absolute BEST. I always felt so sure that things would always work out for Rowan. Things always had, but lately I am stumped. I want Rowan to love who he is. I don't want him to try to be his brothers. I don't want him to compare himself to them, I really want him to realize who he is special. I also feel like I am 0%  not ok with anyone talking to Rowan in a way that makes feel sorry. He gets corrected by his brothers constantly, apparently also at school and he is always saying sorry...that many "sorry's" and you may feel sorry about who you are.. I can't have this for him. 

I still have meetings every one in while with Sheridan from ABA. Rowan hasn't gone in a very long time, but just to keep that resource I like to keep in communication. I relayed that first spiritual story to her, and her response was: Can Rowan just rule the world for us? 

He is such an incredible person, but right now he doesn't know it. Can I help him see it?? He has such deep thoughts about things in such a different way. 

I don't know what to do about school next year for Rowan. I spoke with Kaj's advisor and he said I could touch base anytime with the principal and let them know I am interested in getting Rowan signed up with Kaj's advisor, and it would be as simple as that. On the flip side, as I was at the school 4 out of the 5 days this week for different events, I was talking to Jonah's teacher. Jonah's teacher is a special person. She is an amazing teacher. She is so good at it. She hones in on each child's strengths and she is able to build on those. She told me that she would be moving up to 4th grade...well Rowan will be in 4th grade next year. You know where I am goin with this. I said, "Well, you definitely planted the idea in my head that you will have Rowan next year." "Well, that's why I mentioned it, I would love to have Rowan in my class next year." I think she is that special that she could turn Rowan's experience around. 

I love my boy so so much. 

 

Josh's 11th Birthday

 Dear, dear Josh... leading up to your 11th birthday I wasn't sure if either of us would make it. Suddenly this angel boy was fighting with me, or crying, or getting mad every single day. That is not an exaggeration.. a very literal every day. I could not believe it. 

I had a good conversation with Josh one night doing a tremendous job of validating his feelings and admitting that I wasn't used to this side of him so I wasn't handling it all well, but sure that if we were both patient with each other we were sure to get through. We probably ran into a conflict the next day, but it was a good moment. 

But, after his birthday, it has been better. There are still more bumps, but definitely more moments where I see my Josh. Truth be told, Josh is one of my very favorite people to be around. I love talking with him, he is so easy to be around. He is funny and fun, and he can always get the family laughing.

I recall a night when I had come home from jujitsu with Jonah, and I was so frustrated about what was going on in the class, I just spilled it all to Josh, not looking for anything but to get my thoughts out, and he listened so kindly and then said, "Wow, I'm really sorry about the way you are feeling, mom."  Apparently, that was all I needed that night. 

Josh is going to be going into middle school next year. I have a lot of feelings, as does Sam. Sam can sometimes feel like he doesn't want him to go at all to public school, and I do have my reservations, but when it really comes down to it, I just feel hopeful. I have a lot of hope for Josh that he will be able to carry himself through it staying true to who he is. After a morning of hearing some doubts from Sam about going to school, dropping him off at school, and throughout the day just feeling like I needed to give Josh more credit, that I believed in him, I decided to tell him after I picked him up, and I could tell he needed that. I could sense the relief that gave him. 

I will also mention the funny thing that happened that I still haven't fully recovered from, and it definitely ruined my entire social night. Pierce had come with us to the ward Pi(e) night. I got there with most of the kids, and Sam was following with Kaj and Rowan. We entered the cultural hall and stopped to scope out the place. I was leaning over to Josh to whisper to him to go save us a spot, but he kept moving away. I kept moving with him, arm around him trying again to whisper my important message, "Hey..." I was whispering and he said, "What??" It was Pierce. 😳 I was side hugging Pierce. (My son is boob level to me right now) I was side hugging Pierce, at boob level, trying to whisper something to him. Dying!! 😂 Absolutely dying. I could not get through the rest of the night socially intact. Josh laughed, and made me feel like it wasn't that big of a deal. 

That was really a side note that was definitely worth mentioning. I love Josh so much. I think and believe so highly of him. He has remained a very constant example in my life from the get go. His nature is so good, and I love learning from him. Happy 11th birthday Joshy man burrito. ( a self given nickname that has stuck)

Rowan's 9th Birthday

How?! How can my sweet Rowan be 9 years old! I looked through my old blog books recently and ready Rowan's birth story followed by some of his baby years, and I remember it all so clearly. I can't believe I have known him for 9 years. Rowan is complex little soul. Obviously, the way that he looks at the world is a little different. The connections that he can make are ones that I wouldn't think of of my own. Example #1

Rowan had recently gotten into listening to Michael Jackson and Weird Al. He listened to the song "Bad" and the song "Fat." He would talk about how Michael Jackson was talented at making songs. When he saw a picture of Michael Jackson in later years, needless to say, he was quite shocked. As you would be if you hadn't seen his progression. We talked about people choosing to get surgeries, that he may have gotten too many surgeries. Rowan then decided he wasn't going to be getting a surgery on his face. Then concluded that Michael Jackson was good at making songs but not good at taking care of his body and that Weird Al may not have been good at making songs but was good at taking care of his body. Who knew you could link them in so many ways?!

When I took Rowan in for his well check. He began a similar conversation with the nurse. Rowan asked how old he was, and the man was a little shocked to ask so bold a question, he laughed, and answered. He showed him some of his favorite funny songs, and I could tell talking with Rowan was probably going to be the highlight of his day. Maybe week. Maybe year. 😏

Rowan is delightful. He brings up so many great questions and easy conversations. I would consider it one of his strengths, for sure. He is comfortable with himself and that makes him easy to be around. Rowan is funny and witty. Rowan loves being with the family, and is the first to say that he would much rather be with the family than anyone else. 

Rowan can be hard on himself, as we all can be. It feels a little more devastating coming from him though. His frustrations about the things he is unable to do in the moment really bother him. We talk a lot about practice and individual talents. 

Rowan decided he no longer needs glasses. 😳 I mean, that's one way to think of it. We will be finding out soon if that is true, but for now, that's what we are going with. 

I love Rowan so much. He is patient, polite, kind, smart, and an amazing brother. 

 

On a Better Note

I read through old blog books tonight...and after reading and thoroughly enjoying my own writing, I wanted to write tonight. I LOVE reading back on the things I have documented. I would have forgotten so many fine details, feelings, and stories and I treasure them so much. I also realized I have so many things to catch up on- and I fully intend to do so. But, before I forget some funny things from the last week.

Josh, on Thursday, this is the day currently that no one is at home. Lily has school, but Kaj also has his community day, and Sam is in Portland. I am fully 100% by myself. Weird. For only a day, and then I love my Thursdays! Fully and absolutely love them! For all the reasons all mothers out there know why. My sweet boy says in the morning in the car before dropping the boys off, "mom, Thursdays must be your saddest day because everyone is gone." Huh?? I didn't have the heart to tell him that was NOT the case! 😂 I did say they are my strangest day, which was closer to accurate. That same day, Lily had her career  dress up day at school. This whole month they have talked about different careers. She struggled to decide. She wanted to be a spider, or green goblin. We looked for a costume but found none. She then said she would be a skier. Perfect! As we were getting her ready she kept saying, "I think Joely is going to be a hot-dog."I laughed, and said, "maybe.. she might be dressed up as something else too, but she could be a hotdog." We got to her school when her friend Joely was getting there, and she said again, "I think she is going to be hotdog." 😂 She wasn't dressed up like a hotdog. 

 

Tomorrow

 

There was no picture I could choose to match the words today. I shouldn't be writing. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a woman I work with at church. She said her mom would write journals, but she never gave them to her kids because a lot of what she wrote was negative. She said she wishes her mom would have shared because kids should know that it is hard sometimes. 

 I have tried hard when I write to only paint the picture that is real. I share funny stories. I share hard stories, I share real feelings that I am having. 

Kids, your mom doesn't like herself. 

I get angry sometimes. I get mad at you sometimes, but it is mostly because I don't like myself. I don't think I am doing a good job. Whenever there is squabbles or fighting in the back of my mind I think it's because of me. If I had been a better example, if I showed more patience, or if I have taught you more...the truth is I also know you are really great kids. I am lucky to have you. I feel sorry you have been stuck with me. 

You see, I should not be writing this. It's too sad. It's too sad to write..or think. 

I hope you always like yourselves. I hope you know I always love you, that I will always see the best in you even on the days that you don't see the best in yourself. I just hope that you will come to me when you are sad. It's hard enough having a sad day, but at least if you can come to me you won't have to be alone and sad.

Alone and sad is worse. So, you always always have me. 

And because I apparently can't end on such a down note, I will say. It will be ok. I will probably like myself a little more tomorrow. 

My Boys

There really is no reason I need to sugar coat it, but after 13 years of marriage to Sam there is something I have never gotten used to, and it's the way he talks to me sometimes. It is not always the kindest words or tone, and just this morning when  I pointed it out to him, he said, "this is just the way I talk."

This morning I have a headache ( is this the point in our family stories that I start talking about my ailments? 😳😂 I hope not) but I did I have a headache this morning. I have noticed that I get these every month and have for about 2 years. They are awful and sometimes completely debilitating. I told me boys this morning to get themselves breakfast, but I would get down to make their lunches. When I came down about 15 minutes later, Josh was in the middle of making the lunches anyway. 

When I dropped off the 3 boys off at school,. they waved sweetly, Jonah asked me to pick him up, and Josh blew me a kiss, and then I teared up.

 There are moments when I have wondered why I am not treated better. When I have told myself maybe I didn't deserve to be treated better, but today, I realized I have 4 boys who treat me amazingly. 

They are kind, they are considerate, they are thoughtful, they care and love me so much. 

So, it  turns out, Heavenly Father thought I deserved to be treated 4x better.

Little Miracles

I feel like I have lost my voice. Figuratively, not literally. I think about sitting down to write again, but then I just think I have nothing to add. Nothing of importance to say. My boys took out all my old printed out blog books a couple weeks ago. They read a few excerpts but mostly just looked at the pictures. I love looking at the old pictures, but also reading. I wonder if there will be a day where my kids will read these, and tenderly get a better grasp on what their mom was all about. Both good and bad. 

I mentioned in another blog that Sam had been called to bishop. Did I talk about it at all? Did I say how I felt like we are misfit toys in this calling. It still feels that way. My mom gave advice that all I need to do is continue to be myself. I think it was good advice, but I think she sees me with mom goggles. As good moms always do 😂💁🏼‍♀️

What is fresh on my mind now are miracles. Two of them actually. One happened yesterday and the other happened a few weeks ago. Both involved Lily.

Yesterday I had forgotten only bread, but because school has started and I am making lunches every day I needed it. So, we were leaving Costco with just our bread, and we were turning left at the intersection by Safeway on 27th. The moment the light turned green everything slowed down. I didn't enter the intersection as I normally would, I was inching forward and suddenly a truck heading southbound ran the red light. I had to break in a second's time to not be hit. But, even when I realized it had not hit me, I could not see how. I turned left and took a moment to breathe the sigh of: "did that really just happen?" But, honestly, reflecting moments after and even now I truly feel like I was watched over with angels present. I don't feel like I was even in charge behind the wheel. If I had entered the intersection as I normally would I would have been hit broadside by a truck going at least 40 miles an hour. He was also completely in my blindside I was not looking to my left, my attention was not on the traffic in that direction. It's astonishing. I know Lily and I were protected. I am so thankful.

This happening made me think of the other one. Weeks ago we were invited over to swim at some friends pool.  They have a very fun pool with a hot tub. Lily was in the hot tub and she had wanted to float in a big tube, but she wanted to take off her life jacket so she could float on the tube easier. She could touch the   bench in the hot tub which is where she was playing, and I walked away when the boys called me to watch them jump from the deck to the pool. I was so excited watching them-clapping and cheering them on- and in the middle of that I knew I needed to check on Lily right then- I looked over and she had slipped through the middle of the tube. I could see her legs still kicking but she was not making any sounds I jumped in immediately threw the tube off of her and got her out of the water. She was ok. I could tell she had blowing the water out of her nose. But, truly don't want to even think if it had been seconds or heaven forbid minutes longer.

I think Lily must be very important. (I don't think these are the mom goggles talking). I think I am important to my mom. I think we are all very important to our Heavenly parents. 

I am thankful for miracles all around us. If there is a prayer out there I hope I can be in tune enough to be the answer on the other end. 

I guess I can still have things to say.