Summer 24

This is what I am ready to write about. There was such heart break that happened in my family at this time. It's crazy because it feels such tragic and close to me, and I am definitely once removed from the kind of feelings that the people most impacted must be feeling. It was July 7th last year that Whitney called me pretty early in the morning, and said the Jesse's little girl, Lily, had drowned and died. I could grasp this kind of heart break. I kept putting myself in their shoes, and could not begin to fathom. She was 3 years old. She had been swimming all day in a family members pool vacationing away from their home, and she had taken her floaties off during dinner and she had jumped back in. Lily was found, and Kelsey, her mother tried to give mouth and mouth and ambulance was called, but it was too late.

For Lily 

Little footsteps.

I memorized the weight of them

I know them.

I know when it’s you 

Who needs me

I can hear them.

Running, excited to see me

And jump into arms that

Love you

So 

Much.

So much that I can’t see

Through tears

That seem endless

 

So, how does it end?

You’re a daughter

A sister

A friend 

Still

Is there a penalty 

To thinking

This isn’t fair

I can’t go home without you

But, I find

A Savior there.

 

Can He hold me?

Like I want to hold you?

How many times

Have I thought about

If I could only stop the time 

Before

With little high fives

And little smiles

I would ask for nothing more

Than to be able to reach out

And touch your little face

How can I stay in this place?

With this grief

With whom so few can share

To have pain not healed by time

And yet,

A Savior’s there.

But I Know 

You Know 

How very loved you are

Perhaps the only way

I sleep.

But I also know 

You’re mine forever

The little girl I get to keep.

But, I still wanted to raise you

I wanted to teach you

There were still

“I love you’s” to share

If I can’t tell you in person

You’ll have 

The Savior There. 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                By: Christina Christensen

 These were the words that came to me the day I got this news. Just like a lot of my writing when is comes to grief I find the words seems to already be written I just need to locate them and put them in their place. The Savior is woven into this poem - as He is likely woven into our lives. One moment that I could not bear to think about for them was the moment they would have to arrive home. They stayed in CA a while probably for that very reason-they couldn't face going home without her.  But, as I wrote the words "But, I find a Savior there." the first time. I knew it was true. I knew that as awful as it must have been stepping back into a world where Lily was last that they would somehow find a peace in that space that only having the Savior there could bring. 

About a month later.. my cousin Kalli died. With Whitney working with the Bevan's so closely I was able to hear a lot of tender stories. She died from appendiceal cancer-which is very rare. When she got the news she didn't ask "Why me?"  She said, "Why not me?" I did not have a good feeling of the outcome of this when I first learned, and neither did some of her sisters. But, they were with her so much, and her husband was able to be with her and much as could because of working for Bruce. 

 

For Kalli

I saw you in the sky today.

With all those shades of blue

I never thought it’d be

This Quiet

When spending time with you

 

I was trying to think

Of every core memory

That had your laugh in it

Until I could remember

Every

Single

One

And I stayed just to bask in it

As if if were the sun

 

Because you’re not a memory.

Or a picture.

But a permanent fixture.

 

After all,

We’re sisters

So, we get just get it

 

We never stay mad

There’s always more to say

We know the beginnings of all the stories

We could be together every day

And never tire of our own company

In fact, 

It feels like all we need. 

We know

It will all work out in the wash

 

I will hold your kids

You will hold my tears

A trade that’s always fair

We have made throughout the years

We always have each other’s back

No matter the cost

You always were

The best of us

A fact that’s never lost

 

Remember how

We always took the long way

So we could finish talking

And now—

We have to

Pause.

 

So, I guess I’ll keep on walking. 

 

Looking for you along the way

Until we are back

In the place we all can share

This makes me look more heavenward

I hope I can prepare

To see your lovely face 

 

Because things really feel so different 

I know it won’t be the same

But, I realize exactly where I can always find you

You'll still never miss a game.

                                                                                                       

Like so many hard things in life there is beauty in it too. While I was there for both of the funerals, as we were leaving Lily's and grabbing a bit to eat- I saw what I could have sworn was Nathan Leslie, Kathy's brother. I eye balled him a few times as he did me. Finally, my sister went and asked him with my close behind that it WAS him. I kept believing it wasn't because I knew he didn't live in Utah anymore, and he was doing the same to me because he knew I lived in Oregon. We sent this hilarious picture straight to Kathy. 😂 Her reply "What the hell?!" We made plans, and it was amazing to see her. It was amazing to see my whole family that trip. But, I left that trip really valuing my relationships in a whole new way. I want to be remembered as a person who loved. This was the legacy left by Kalli and Lily. 

 

Jonah's 8th birthday

This is being added to the book series late. Which Jonah was sad to notice the absence. There were a few things last summer that took me away from documenting the summer, and I think Jonah's birhtday was lost in the shuffle. I am ready to revisit it now, and catch that time up. 

It was a big birthday for Jonah last year in that he turned 8 and was baptized. A lot of family was able to join us for the event, and it was really fun. I know there are ups and downs of having a summer birthday, butI can think of quite a few that we were able to celebrate because family was visiting for the summer. 

Jonah is a sweet and complex character. I actually think he is most sweet. He notices when I am sad. Iterated by this hilarious conversation:  Jonah: are you sad?

Me" Yes. I am. 

Jonah: Ok. I'll snuggle with you after my shower." 

Jonah is a blessed kid, in that, he is literally good at everything. He is very smart. He is very good at math and reading, and is very quick to learn. He is good at every sport he tries.  He is so handsome, he is also very funny and charismatic.  I would say everyone is drawn in to Jonah. He is just a soul you want to be around. And Bless him..when he sings songs to the music he loves...he sings loud and proud and I cannot get enough of it. Jonah has always kept a special place...well, for me! He cares very deeply for his mom, and it shows. I hope that doesn't change. It hasn't yet.

How dang handsome can he possibly be?!

 

2 Spring Breaks

Heh heh. We...maybe had two spring breaks this year. We went to Utah for the first one. I always throw it out to m sisters to see if our spring breaks line up, and Caitlin said hers did! But, upon, further investigation of her calendar she realized it actually did not. I talked with other sisters and my mom to get their input on whether or not we should still come out, and Whitney said she would take her kids out of school a couple days if we came out, and that was that. My mom had plenty of time off, and Whit did take her kids out for two of the days, Caitlin took off a half a day, and we stayed with Meg on the two book end days of the trip which is always delightful. Also, in the the big news category...Meggie and her family are moving to Alabama. I don't think I am ready to write about that yet. But, it actually very sad to think that she will not be there when I go out there.

We always make sure we pack plenty in with the family which this trip was no exception. We went out on a hike--where-I thought I lost Rowan. It was an awful experience. Truly, terrible. I saw him between the groups of kids, and then when I called Kaj he wasn't with them, and then he wasn't with the other cousins. Basically...I cried and panicked and thought of my little Rowan and how scared he must be, and then how long it would be till I had to call search and rescue. Megan was with me, and Whitney and my mom and separated two different directions. That, was ultimately the biggest issue on this particular hike. There were so many forks in the trail. Every time I would hear the older kids shouting Rowan's name I would cry and panic more because that just meant he was still not with them. I called Kaj again and he said, "Mom. just breathe. He is with the other cousins." I asked if he saw him, and he said he just knew. That was the case. Rowan was never lost. He was another group of cousins that had never left each other, and Rowan came over to me like I was a crazy person. He never had to recover, which I was so thankful. I had to recover. But, he was never lost. 

We went to a lot of different parks, we went to get out hearts checked, ( like ya do on vacation ha!) We went to a really fun trampoline park. We went to Park City to do the Moutain Coaster with Caitlin and her kids, played plenty of games outside, and card games inside. We were also able to sneak down to spend time with Jon and Mandy and their family, and we were delighted to be with them, 

Getting our hearts checked 

ninja course and a trampoline park

 Park City Mountain Coaster

Man buns with Uncle Justin

Ultimate Frisbee time

Ok...as for the second set of spring breaks 😂 After talking with Whit one day, and her expressing that she really had no plans at all for spring break I quicken proposed she come to Bend. She said, "well, maybe we will." That maybe I will comment tells me every time if I can really entice people to visit. I said that we would take a couple days off of school also- after all, she had done that for me. My kids were more than happy to oblige. I let my kids pick the days the wanted to take off but told them they had to go at least one while Whit and her kids were there, and we really had a good little mix. 

My mom and Whit and her girls came out, and as usual we had a great time. 

 

Kaj is 15 🥹

Oh man...this one hurts a little bit more. There are certain ages I am finding that I can handle more than others, but 15, hits a little different. It's just really close to other milestones that I just can't believe are that close. Kaj is such a great kid, I can't even begin to say the kind of impressive person he has become...but really...he has always been. Kaj has this amazingly contagious laugh, and this great sense of humor. Kaj is a good friend, and very loyal to his friends and his family. Kaj is so good to me. He has always been that way. He has noticed when I have been sad, he has helped immensely on days I have needed help- whether it's cleaning things up around the house or helping with the kids by being a good example. Kaj has friends that he really enjoys now. I can't think of anyone more deserving than to have friends like that. He waited patiently for this. I am so happy for him. He has taken a Leadership class in school this past year (a class I would never have considered)  and that is truly one of his gifts. He is the friend who gathers people together, and thinks of the ideas. He has really come into the music he creates, and though I could never understand quite how he does it, it is becoming a craft that I am quite taken with. He is able to take suggestions with ease and grace, He is the guy that is reliable, and a great conversationalist even with adults. 

He went to a couple of dances this year. One that was by the stake and the other for school. Tommy J is the stake Young Men so that night I got a text from Abby that Kaj was dancing with a girl! So, when I talked to Kaj about it when he got home I was playing it pretty cool, but I did already know. He told me, yes, he did ask one girl to dance. She was from Sisters. I asked him, "so, was she making eyes at you or something?" And he said, "No. She was just standing my herself" 🥹 My boy. He proceeded to tell me how they talked easily, and I know it is because of him, because he has great questions, and listens quite genuinely.  I ugly cried to him on his birthday on the way to school. 

 

Josh Turns 13

Josh is 13 now. It made me think of my own 13th birthday. It was the Beatles party. Remember how awkward I was?! And, I look at Josh and think...how is this my son?! He is easing right into the teens just fine. Flawlessly, really. 

Josh has his days when he is a pain, and the ways he is a pain is just stirring the pot with all the kids, and singing as loud as he can in the house, and.. farting. A lot. But, on the flip side of this teenage boy he is still so kind. He spends endless amounts of time on the trampoline with Lily teaching her to do front flips. He notices the people at school he should be kind to, and goes to include them. He is natural talent in everything, whether it is sports or academics, or really anything he sets his mind to be good at he will dedicate the time to it, and become amazing at it.  He has a very good head on his shoulders, and I really have a lot of faith in him. 

His birthday was actually more chill than it ever has been. I was very pleased that he was content with just keeping it to family plans. I took him out of school early, and took him to lunch. We came home and he wanted to me to play Fortnite! Ha! Which he said I did really good, but I know that's not true. We, then, had cake and presents as a family, and then Kaj, Dad, Josh, and myself stayed up to watch Hunger Games, because he had just read the book. It was a great way to bring in year 13.  I love Josh and I am overjoyed that he is my boy.