A Little Late for Valentines Day

So Valentines.. the holiday that has people torn on their feelings towards it's very existence,"Valentines is a dumb holiday," said mostly by those who are celebrating this holiday in a singled state, renaming it "single's awareness day" out of humor or bitterness, I am not sure. I tried to think back if I harbored those same feelings?  Did I have those thoughts in mind when it rolled around?  I would like to say I did not, and if I did I don't think I outwardly expressed them. Those assigned to the holidays committee long ago probably were not meaning it as a cruel joke or reminder to anyone not in a relationship. In fact, they probably wanted it to be a day we express our love to everyone we love, maybe reflect on the relationships we have and seen how much growth there has been. I used this year's Valentines to be thankful for family, friends, my kids, and my Sam. I was even going to be nerdy and make a lovely dinner for my dad and brother using edible arrangement flowers (compliments of Sam) as the centerpiece-which translated into I picked up Papa Murphy's pizza, baked it and ate some of it with my mom before they even got home. I am very blessed to have many loves in my life. And since this is a Valentines post yeah.. I am even going to quote some songs.. yeah..I am. It seems  appropriate. ($1 if you can name the artist to each)

"We have come so far since that day and I thought I loved you then"

"If I could reach the stars pull one down for you shine it on the heart so you can see the truth, and this love I have inside is everything is seems"

"every time I try to tell her how I feel it comes out "I love you" you got whatever it is"

"I don't need clever conversation I just need someone I can talk too"

"yeah yeah yeah, yeah!" (haha)

(I probably won't give you $1 each, but cheers!)

I write out of love. 

The Eye of the Beholder

Classic Christina behavior... I am about to use this as more of a journal, and have pictures that will reflect nothing of what I am going to talk about..but they're cute pictures that I want to see again...hence the choice of their being selected. I will try to incorporate them. 

I have been thinking about beauty. I am not sure if it is because I am back in Utah, and the difference of how women present themselves, or because of Sam doing his dermatology rotation, or because of the insecurities that have surfaced in myself...nonetheless, I have thought about what it means. How much it accounts of how we view ourselves, and how much weight it should really carry.

It has always been very easy for me to see beauty in others without even having to squint. And I am not even talking inner beauty, I am talking I can see, and believe that a person is beautiful. Whether they see it or not. I do view this as a gift from Heavenly Father. 

I think most can agree that when you find a person who carries themselves with confidence, with positivity, and a genuine attitude it makes them appear more attractive. (This theory might explain past crushes you may have had) and perhaps, have known someone who may appear to have everything put together quite nicely outwardly and then turns out to be "A real douche" (Nacho Libra said it best) makes them less. So, it is amazing that so much time is spent on just the appearance side, instead of investing in qualities of true beauty that will in turn make you even more beautiful. 

Years ago, let's say 2005 or 2006 my family went to Disneyland, pretty dang awesome I have to say, because the kids at heart came out swinging in all of us. I am reminded of this one girl waiting in one of the lines, she was standing with a boyfriend, or a relationship of that nature, she was a very pretty girl, but she had skin that was sad...It was the kind of acne that looked painful, that covered her whole face, it could have been something that some people would have overlooked her because of it. I, not experiencing anything to that degree, but had been to my fair share of dermatologists-most of which have made for quite the hilarious story, but definitely not at the time, but I could empathize with her. My mom noticed her also. We both noticed what a beautiful girl she was, it really was easy to see that, but wondered how hard it was for her to see that. We were happy that she was with someone who seemed to be treating her lovingly, and can see her from a greater perspective. She made an impression on me, because I can still picture her, and have mentally used her as an good example of true beauty and perspective. 

What is in our own way of seeing what others can see? What exactly do we think we have riding on our outward appearance? I mean seriously. Heavenly Father is not going to let only the "pretty" ones in. There is nothing appealing about someone who is trying too hard. There in nothing unique that will stand out about you if you want to look the same as everyone else. I feel like there should be so much more emphasis on the individual, the gifts that you have to give, and the time you dedicate to family and serving others. And, sometimes serving others means uplifting someone who is not feeling that great about themselves. I hope that there will be more focus of the trueness of what beauty is. 

So is beauty in the eye of the beholder?

 And, back to the pictures...they are quite beautiful, I think. :)

The Road Back

What a sight?! I did miss that. I even forgot how it  feels to be nestled in by the mountains, I didn't realize how amazing it really was until we were on the home stretch of the longest drive ever! I looked around us as we drove through this enormous canyon, and thought "huh, some people have never seen mountains like this." Growing up in Utah it is easy to take it for granted. Also, on the home stretch Sam said "we definitely earned some street cred for this one." Oh yeah! Driving across the country with a two and half year old and a 10 month old, oh yeah we earned some street cred, alright! The whole drive long to assure sanity was secure either Sam or I had to be squished between the carseats of the boys. That was...pretty awesome, and mucho comfortable, obviously. I am not proud of the fact that Toy Story 1,2, and 3 were on a constant loop for Kaj's sake. We all have them memorized now, including Josh, and needless to say, Kaj has not asked to see Toy Story since we have been here. Joshy handled the travel great, as well. He was a good sport about being in his carseat so long, and as long as we had food at the ready when he needed it, he didn't complain. 

So long story short- The Christensen family is back! Every one has had to adjust, and probably at their own pace. It has taken Kaj a little longer to settle in, although he hasn't personally sat me down, and told me it has been difficult, I can tell in his behavior it has. I feel like he is finally getting used to the new setting. It still saddens me to think of the little friends he left. I have cried the tears for him, of course. But, as I watched Kaj's face light up and smile as he played ring around the rosies with Uncle Sam and cousin Addi, I felt like this was going to be alright. The church is different. The same in teachings, don't get me wrong, but different. We went back to our old ward last week, and I do believe that is the best choice for us right now. The friendly faces remembered us, and greeted us again warmly, it probably would have been wise to start there...

I have no seg way to lead into my next thought, but what has been on my mind a lot lately is about teaching people how to treat you. This is phrase borrowed by a friend of the family, but I feel reigns true. As I thought about this: ok. yes. So..how exactly do you do that? How do you set the bar high? Is there a point when it is too high? But, it also makes you somewhat accountable for how people treat you. You either allow something, or you don't. 

I think everyone should regard themselves highly and expect to be treated the very best. I will advise my children of this. We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and I can promise that He wants us all to feel loved by the people we surround ourselves. So, surround yourself by the people who will show appreciation for the person that you are, love you for the unique contributions you make. You should never apologize for who you are. This is not say, never take suggestions for improvements you can make, it is to say that your feelings should always be regarded and respected.  Check.

Christina: signing off.

Christmas at the Farm

Christmas Morning

The cousins

Acting out the Nativity- Kaj was an awesome wiseman

Kansas City

So we had a few really busy weeks. We packed up our whole house during a time of year where I could have sworn you are supposed to be more still...listen to Christmas music by the light of the Christmas tree, sipping hot chocolate, and enjoying family and friends..this year we kinda skipped over that, which was a little sad. I love December for the leading up to Christmas. We pulled out of our driveway on the 22nd of December.

We did spend a lovely Christmas in Missouri with Sam's family. We arrived at 10:30 Sunday night, and the farmhouse really was a beautiful sight to see, not just because we could finally get out of the car. They run a bed and breakfast, and live on a farm, 30 minutes from any kind of town, and it was just lit up with lights, and we could see Sam's whole family sitting by the Christmas tree from the window as we pulled in, a very Christmasy feeling indeed. 

The downside was every niece and nephew was sick with something. We covered the board of ailments, and I spent some of the time in a paranoid/worrisome state not wanting my kids to get sick. So, it was a bummer that way because our kids rarely get to see a lot of the cousins on Sam's side.

We had lots of great food...which doesn't help the holiday weight factor that everyone fears. Aside from just big breakfasts and big dinners, we also added homemade ice cream pretty much every night compliments of Teresa and Vance- Vance comes from a long line of homemade ice cream makers..? Did I go back for seconds? Of course. I don't regret it. 

Kaj got to go see the chickens a couple nights, and gather the eggs, which he got so excited to go see the chickens. "Do you want to go see the chickens, and get the eggs?" I asked him "Bawk!" and he ran to go get his coat on.

We went into Kansas City one day and went to Union Square Station where Kaj's ideas of trains will never be the same. They had so many miniature train sets, surrounding these miniature towns, and he just loved it! It was pretty neat, and they also had mini rollercoasters, which were awesome! We went to a train restaurant..so you make your order from a phone at your table, and above you aligning the ceiling were train tracks, these trains would have bucket that contained your order, and was then lowered down to your table..Wha??!!??! No, seriously. 

I was thankful to spend Christmas with family. I was thankful for a being able to take my boys to the farm. I am thankful for the music at Christmas time. I love a season where it can be freezing outside, but you are still filled with such warmth and joy by just the spirit of Christmas.  

Joshy- 9 months

pretty tuckered to fall asleep in his high chair

Why wouldn't we have a doctor's appointment the week we are moving? I had to schedule Josh's 9 month appointment this week, when I made the appointment the next time they wanted to set it up was some time in January, and it was strange to say we would no longer be here. So, the latest stats on this little peanut are: 16lbs 11 oz putting him in the 15th percentile, he is 50th percentile for height, and his head.."is fine" according to the doctor. He now has two bottom teeth, and one top tooth. He is tongue tied, which we found out a couple months ago, but it hasn't interfered with eating, or babbling. He is still so sweet and so smiley. He is crawling, and is now racing against himself whenever he does, always trying to break the speed barrier! ha! He is pulling himself to stand more and more. One of my favorite things that Josh does, and has done for awhile, whenever he is excited to see someone he gives them a big smile, and throws one of his arms up in the air like he is preparing for a big hug. He is quite the little boy.

Breathe Between Boxes

Truth be told, I am not feeling myself the last few days. I have had a guilt settle as I make our house more and more chaotic. I get the feeling Kaj is trying to make sense of everything going on. It is hard to explain to a 2 year old what is happening with all the boxes. Though, I have explained with tear filled eyes that we would be saying good bye to his friends, and quickly recovered by telling him where we are moving too. "Amma's, and Ampa's." This home is a big deal for many reasons. For Kaj, this is where he made he first friends. Before we moved here, he was too little to care, and now he is used to seeing the sweet faces of these same kids time and time again, I can tell him where we are going- to see Ella, or Crew, or and Henry and Jane, or Cadence and Kennedy (though if he can tell those girls apart he is quite gifted) I know he knows them. And, I also know he likes to be around them. 

 Another big deal is the fact the when we came to New York there was only 3 members of our family, and we are now 4. Josh's first home. I know that Josh will not remember being here. But, I know that there are many friends of mine who will not forget this baby boy. A dear friend of mine left for Christmas vacation before I leave, and witnessing her saying goodbye to Josh was not an easy thing.

I don't do this often but, today I looked around and thought "is this my life?" I am a mom. I started thinking "what could/would I be doing if I wasn't a mom?" Well, the sad truth was as I began throwing myself a grand pity party, I thought "wow..there is nothing else I am really that good at that I could be doing instead, and I am really not that great of  mom, so... this really stinks." It is just one of those days... and  because just like my sleeves where I wear emotions, I also write in the exact honest mood I am in. I will chalk it up to the fact that we are moving, the house now has limited space, I am trying desperately to create normalcy for these little boys, but I believe I am failing them right now.

However, the moment I loaded these pictures to look at the faces of these kids...and being a mom to these two knuckle heads is the joy I can't live without.

This is how Kaj rode in the cart the whole grocery store event ha!

The Merriest Christmas house ever!!

I finally made it to the city! I was so happy to have with me Kim and Terri!

Actually ice skated at the Rockafellar Center

"V" is for...creeper stalker van?

Family Pictures 2012

 Well, I feel like I have taken a forced leave of absence, but I am happy to be back in business! We exchanged taking family pictures with a dear and great friend of mine from Long Island recently. It was a very fun thing to do. It made me feel a lot of pressure taking someone else's family photos...cue Sam, who really did a nice job- the wheels in his head start to spin, and he doesn't really feel pressured with something like that.

We took these pictures on Black Friday. We went up to Avalon, and for those of you who have visited us it is just above the duck pond area. I wasn't sure what I had in mind, but was sure there would be some thing... A door. By a barn. Perfect!!!

I just have a lot of feelings- these days especially. Going back and forth from emotional to sad, to excited to not really wanting to think about how I feel. I wrote a poem when my family was moving from the Sandy house and there is a line that says: "...packing boxes not ever really seeing, exactly what you're leaving" and it can easily get that way. The process of moving can really get time consuming, and meticulous, as you go out on quests throughout your home to organize your belongings as logically as you can. This time, however, I have made sure to stop and think about what I am leaving. I have taken time to think back on the absolute assurance that I had when moving here was the right thing to do. I had really known in my heart that this is where we would grow together as a family. There were never any doubts. But, it has done so much more than just that.
 I have grown. I feel like I will always be able to look back at this time in our lives here and know that this was a turning point.  I feel like I am a much better version of myself. I am happier. I feel confident in who I am--not always, but for the most part.
There will always be people who like you and there will always people who don't. I think it is so important to be on the side of people who do like you. I think finding value in yourself, and knowing that you have what it takes, and sometimes you really won't feel like that, but surrounding yourself by people who really love you, and  truly believe you do have what it takes..is not something to take lightly either. Believe them. If you can't do that...ask Heavenly Father. He will answer you.

oh Kaj bears...