Thankful

And, of course, I have to write a blog for Thanksgiving. I am quickly switching gears from putting crazy boys down for bed, and then trying to adjust my mood accordingly. I have also been missing this blog. It doesn't bother me if there are few readers, it wouldn't bother me if there were no readers, I truly love writing here. I was flipping through my first blog to book as I have been prepping for blog book numero dos, and I am so happy that I have written in the details of the experiences as I have. If I hadn't we would be losing a lot of very funny and fond memories.

We were invited by some ward members for Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. We were one of 4 families, and it was very nice to have somewhere to go. Because, if we hadn't...I really am not sure if I would have made the Thanksgiving meal myself this year. The guilt would have set in and I probably would have...but I may not have been happy about it. The company was enjoyable, and this was Sam's first real chance to get to know some of the men in the ward, and though he may grumble at times, everyone always loves his company and he usually enjoys getting to know other people. I am thankful for this particular friend who invited us over. It hasn't been easy here as far as friends go, and though everyone has been polite it has not had the same feeling of acceptance, and welcomeness as New York had so automatically. ( I don't want to compare too much, but in this case it was a distinct difference) But, this friend was the first one to really reach out, and I appreciate it so much. So with that said, I am thankful for beginnings of new friendships. And on the same note, I am also very thankful for the friends in New York that I still smile about, and laugh when I remember certain things, and just plain adore. I also am grateful for the friends back in Utah the ones I have known for many many moons, despite distance they reach out just to see how I am doing, and some days it has come at the perfect time. 

I am so grateful for my family. Sisters. I have been far more emotional in this pregnancy, and it far exceeds my already sensitive state. It has been nice to rely on family. My mom came out and visited us recently, and it was honestly so much fun to see her, and hang out while she was here. My boys ran to her, and gave her the biggest welcoming hugs, and they loved being with MorMor. She is a very easy and fun guest. It was great to have her spend one on one time with the boys. And, though Kaj can't express how much it means, the many times he asked "Where'd MorMor go?" or "I want to go to MorMor's house." after she left- that says it all. I really am thankful for everything my mom has taught me and continues to teach me. I have a friendship with her that I really never thought possible...and I am certain she would say the same! Haha! I have also decided that a perk from living far away is that when you have people visit you, there is only quality time to spend. You love being together because it is for a shorter time, and it really is so enjoyable. So I look forward to visitors to have time with just them. (That being said I would still take anyone who wants to move here too)

I am thankful for our little growing family. I am thankful for Sam. He really does so much. And I am now understanding that most everything he does it is for me and the boys. He works very hard, and wants to work even harder. He loves our boys, and he is often thinking of ways to improve himself so that he can be a better and better example to them.  I also have to say I have seen the difference in him as a husband as well lately, and I am so grateful for the efforts he is making to be more expressive to me. I am thankful for the home we have now. I thankful for food on our table. And of course, I so thankful for a growing relationship with my Father in Heaven. I had the opportunity to talk in church, and I usually would not say "opportunity," because it actually scares the poop out of me, but I spent a lot of time preparing, a lot of time praying about the topic, and I can honestly say I gained a stronger testimony, and for once, I delivered my talk well. That is unheard of! I am thankful for the simple reminders it gave me, and really look forward to the chance to serve others in any way I can. 

Pumpkin Pickin

What a great time of year! We wanted to go last week to check out this pumpkin patch in Redmond which is about 20 minutes out from Bend. We have heard such fun things, but it was rainy, so we decided to put it off a week. I am so glad we did. It was a beautiful, no jacket necessary kind of a day. As we approached the pumpkin patch, I fell in love with this time of year all over again. I really do love it. I love the bright colors, I love the crispness of the air, and the smell of the fall breeze. As I kid, I may have originally loved it because it was the month that held my birthday, now I think we have established that, that is not the reason any longer. 

There were pumpkins as far as the eye could see. Josh didn't know where to start, but then he began walking over and giving them a nice slap-to check for quality- of course. Kaj's primary concern was the damaged pumpkins. "What happened to pumpkin, mom?" I heard this many times walking though the field of pumpkins. We finally decided on 3 pumpkins. One big, for the family, and 2 little guys. 

Aside from just the pumpkin patch they had a little train ride, a pumpkin canon, a farm to go see the animals, barrels of hay to climb on, a play area with a slide, a corn maze, and little "A Bug's Life" corn maze. We were excited to see that they have a similar event during Christmas time. They have a polar express ride, hot chocolate, and picking out your Christmas tree.

We waited in a pretty hefty line for the train. And, after it was done I definitely had the "I'm the dumbo" feeling that Jim Gaffigan described taking his kids to DisneyLand. But, the kids enjoyed it and that is what mattered. We all left very happy, and had such a great time together. 

what happened to pumpkin?

Josh's cheesy smile! I am in love with it!!

Growing Boys

As things have started to settle here in Bend, I am happy to say that it is officially starting to feel like home, and as I drove home the other day, I looked out on the view with all the fall colors, and I thought: yes, this is going to be good. So I am excited to be here. It took me a month, but I am there. The boys, of course, adapted quickly, and long before me. 

I often watch the craziness of these boys and think to myself..well, one of two things either: Another boy, bring it on! Or: Another boy? Really? Ok.. I love these boys. As I thought about them the other day, I was very grateful for their differences. If you know these boys, they are very different. And, as I began to note these things in my head, I wondered if it would come as a surprise to any one.

One boy

loves holding mom's hand

loves sitting on laps

loves snuggling and being cozy

gets really excited to see you if you have been gone

does not/will not give kisses

Other boy

Does not like to hold hands

Prefers running off on his own

Does not/Will not snuggle (though try as we do)

But..Loves giving kisses

Weird. The first one is Kaj, the second is Josh.

 Sometimes I feel that Kaj is a challenge, perhaps his age right now, because, he can be so emotional, and a hoarder, and does not like to participate like he feels embarrassed in settings like group singing or story time games, but lately as I chase Josh through the grocery store, and he picks up the fruit in the produce section and begins taking samples I am starting to realize I am glad I have these two different boys. I feel like they bring out the best in each other, and they balance each other out. Kaj really has never run away when we are out, I know that he will stay right by the car when I am getting Josh in/out, I can usually take Kaj to appointments for myself because he will sit still, and just make commentaries, and though I feel like we are constantly working on listening- which we are- he actually does listen quite well when I need him too. Josh-whew! He is a crack up. He is usually happy, and very easy for kids and adults to be around. He shares easily, laughs easily. He loves participating in songs, and clapping at the end. He is starting to work on some pretty major dance moves around the house. Haha! Oh my goodness. It is a mix of what looks like he is trying to break dance- yes break dance, and some hip hop and, of course, spinning in circles. The awesome thing about Josh is he brings out this in Kaj, Kaj gets more excited, and can be silly with Josh-trust me- sometimes it is not a good thing. Example: Josh wants to be out of the cart at the grocery store and look at everything, and run away and then suddenly the two of them will look at each other, like: "is this happening?" "oh yeah! this is happening!" They laugh, and both of them take off running. What just happened?

So, I am appreciating their differences so much more lately. I wouldn't change either of them. They are such fun little boys, and I love them very much.

30, Flirty, and Thriving

You have the love the movie "13 going on 30," it makes you feel great about being 30, and this was my mantra throughout the entirety of my day. Yes, I am 30 today. I will be honest I have not been looking forward to this particular birthday. I thought certainly something would stop this day from coming, or that the 4th would just be missing from the calendar this year, but it wasn't. It was there. Staring me in the face. But, as I was going to bed last night, it suddenly dawned on me, I had some pretty hard time in my 20's. Probably some of my saddest, hardest. and loneliest times I had in my 20's. I should be VanTrappe family singing my 20's farewell. So, as of last night, I am happy to be 30. I am so excited to see a better me come out of these years. Someone I really like, understanding a little bit better the worth that I have. My friend sent me an article about turning 30, and it asked why is it people get hung up on turning 30? A lot of times it is because you feel like you are supposed to have a list of all the things you have done by the time you reach 30. Is that list good enough? Long enough? Etc. But, she wrote how a better basis would be to look at the kind of person you are. To quote this article, "what you achieve is far less important than the kind of human being you are." She also talks about how by 30 you have legit advice to give, where while you are in your 20's you are learning from mistakes, big or small. I mean I know I can say to someone: "don't wear silver mascara you will look and feel like idiot all day." And I really mean that. Regardless, of my age, and the milestone that it may be, I actually am quite ok with the human being I am. It is very easy for me to see the good in others, to be genuinely happy for other people, and to make the best of just about anything. Not to say- I don't have so much to work on, but, I am aware of those things I need to work on, and that's a start.

So, my final thoughts as I was going to bed last night was: well, a lot of good things happened in your 20's too. So of course, cheers to that. I met, and married Sam. I am very happy about that decision, and we have come out better and better through all the many changes that we have been through together. I know he will continue to be supportive of the things that I want to do, and that he will do anything for me. I became a mother in my 20's, which is nothing to shake a fist at, because your whole world is turned upside down when that happens. We have lived different places, and made life long friends a long the way. Although, there once again are a lot of changes, and more to get used too, I am always hopeful for more joy to be had. 

Little Kaj bears

In the hospital with Josh 

Long Island

The Beginning of the Bend

The boys snuggled at the hotel in Boise

I will start with the travel. Or I will start with the goodbye. It was hard, and still when I think about it tears quickly spring to my eyes. It was so busy in our lives leading up to pulling out of the drive way. Though, I thanked my parents for all they did, I certainly intended to say more, but truly could not do it. I am still finding it so hard to truly express the gratitude that is within my heart, perhaps because they did more than I can thank, or just because I cry when I think about it. Either way, I hope they know how much it means that they opened up their home to us for a very long time, with little complaint, and loved our boys every day they were there. It has been a hard thing for me to make drastic changes in the boys lives. I know they are resilient, and I know they will be fine, but, I feel badly if they can't express their questions and confusion as well as they would like. So, needless to say, I cried, and actually could have cried more, but I could not let myself dwell on it. 

sweet notes left on the boxes the girls in Terryville helped me pack up

The drive. The drive actually went very very well. I hoped so, since our last experience seemed so nightmarish it seemed slim that it could match that. But, it was actually so much better than I thought. They boys slept well. They also seemed to just plain handle the drive better. We split the drive in half stopping in Boise to sleep. Sam left at 2:45am to get to the house for people to meet and help us unpack the truck, before he left he whispered, "l love you, the next time I see you, I will see you at home." I smiled as I heard the door shut quietly. The second day drive was a breeze, they slept a lot of it, and we only had to stop once. It was great. It was strange pulling up to the house knowing this was our new house, and let's see what we have to work with. It was actually pretty exciting to see how much space we had, and overwhelming to see just how many boxes we had to fill that space right now. I fill we have our room pretty squared away, the kitchen, the boys rooms are close, and we are closing in on that one area that everything tends to migrate during a move in process, it is where all the stuff ends up that you don't  want to deal with, or you don't know what to do with yet. It is pretty funny though, no matter what box we open, or how it is labeled without a doubt there are still toys in that box. There are literally toys in every box.

These are just the first pictures that we took of the house getting in, so I will definitely putting more up as things are more together, but the pile of empty boxes doesn't quite get me too excited to break out the camera. 

Sam starts work tomorrow. As of right now, he does not know where he is going, what time he is going, and what he is doing. It has been great having him around these first days settling in, it would have been so much harder had he not been. So, we will see what I can do with settling myself in more, and helping the boys transition in their new home now that he will be gone in the days.

front room area

A couple days prior to leaving Ashley helped me by watching the boys

happy to have camping chairs

the future playroom area

Classic Sam behavior

Why are We Doing This Again?

This is the classic line that Sam turns to me and asks typically when both of the boys are going crazy. And typically, in those moments, I really don't have a good answer for him. But, regardless, we are expecting another boy arriving in Jan/Feb. Another boy. I look at Kaj and Josh sometimes in complete joy as they play or laugh together, and then other times wide eyed and really really scared. When I found out it took a minute to swallow, Sam apologized first. But, then when I asked him what he thought of the news he said: "I think that they are going to be the best of friends, and they are going to love their mom more than you know." And that's verbatim. I started to cry at the sweetness of his words, and hoped that, that was true. I know Sam meant it. My mom, who was with me, began to say funny things like "Well, you will aways have a moving crew," "You will never have to move another box again," "You will always have the lightest pack if you go backpacking." All probably true. Ha! Really, 3 boys will be crazy and fun. I like being a mom to boys. I love their differences, and their funniness, and love every time they want to hold my hand. I can't picture this new little one, I can only imagine he will be a cross between Kaj and Josh? Seemingly neglecting most of my genes altogether. Sam asked me a couple times now, who do you think he will be like? More like Josh or more like Kaj? And, I feel like he will be like neither. Just a whole other ball game. I will get another peak at him in a couple days, it is always fun to get a glimpse of your baby. Maybe after that I will have more insight to what this kid will be like, but I am not putting any money on it.

On the Road Again to Find a Home

We decided that after discovering that Sam would be starting his job on the 19th of September giving us about 2 and half weeks to get our lives packed back up, and moved, it may be a good idea to find a place to live. We tried to make arrangements to have our family's watch Kaj, and it was getting rather complicated, and seemed to be complicating the lives of those family members, so Sam made the final call that we just drive there altogether. I didn't mind this plan at all. It might even be fun. Well, the first 2 hours of the drive there it was not fun at all. My sickness was coming back full swing, and the boys were either crying, fighting, or screaming in the back of the car. I looked at Sam many times and thought- "this was your idea, and oh, what a great idea it was." I imagined Sam and I flying on a plane together, and there was no mass hysteria going on around us. It did calm down after a while.

Of course, on a road trip with kids you do plan on many stops. Bum changing stops, eating stops, just need to stretch the ole legs stops, and others. The trip there it seemed we doubled the amount of stops even with kids. I wanted to be the annoying kid in the back of the car asking "are we there yet?" We ended up at a dive pizza place, as it turned out it was a place featured on Man vs. Food. Ha! Awesome. A couple hours later Josh started going crazy crying, and it was convenient timing, because I then threw up off the side of the road. I decided then and there my "pregnancy glow" looks a lot like that. Me, throwing up off the side of the road. And also, I do not believe there is a "pregnancy glow."

Nothing could be more glorious a feeling of when we arrived in Bend. The boys didn't get to bed till probably 11:30 that night. We woke up plenty early, because we had booked ourselves to see houses all morning. We looked at about 12 places in 2 days. Needless to say, the boys were pretty good sports considering this was not an ideal trip for them. Saturday morning we woke up and had to make a decision between 2 places. I don't know why it was so hard for me, but I was crying, and breaking down, and calling my dad, and really not wanting to make the decision. Our second choice, which had more space, said they would drop their price, and that they really wanted us in there. We went back and forth, and then went with that choice. I feel good about, and so does Sam, and I think it will be a really nice home for our family at this time. It is also big enough for visitors so I extend a warm welcome!
    I do wish I had taken pictures...but, pictures will come soon enough. We are leaving in T minus 4 days. This is nuts. I get nervous, and a bit scared, and then really really sad for the boys. I felt similar to leaving New York. It is very hard for me to take the boys away from everything that is now familiar. Kaj makes a check list of everyone who lives in this home every morning. "Where'd Mor Mor go?" "Where'd Pappy go?" "Sam home?" I have been trying to prepare him, and telling him we are not going to live with Mor Mor or Pappy anymore, asking are you ok with that? Sometimes he says yes, other times he says no. With Josh, he was too little to remember the New York house, so this is all he knows. I am very happy they have each other.
  Saturday after making the decision and putting a deposit down on the place we just wanted to hit the road. The trip had been a success- we have a place to live! And we thought there wasn't really a reason to stay. We booked a hotel in Boise which was the half way mark just to break up the trip this time, and it was a good thing. This trip seemed to be going a lot better, but we left around 2:00 in the afternoon after letting the boys have a longer stop eating their sandwiches and looking at the "pows."(cows)  We were making pretty good time this time, we had our rabbit on the road we named "Red" a car who was just cruising a long and our goal was to always end up behind "Red."
A couple hours away from Boise,  by then "Red" was long gone, and Kaj started telling us his tummy hurts. I had seen that look in the car before, and I started to remove all the items that Kaj had on his lap in the event that things get serious. A few seconds later things got serious, and we pulled off to the side of the road just as Kaj was finishing throwing up. (And for a kid that skinny I had not idea where all that had come from) (Sorry to be gross) Then, being the awesome helper that I am right now, it made me throw up. Sam was stuck on the brunt of clean up duty while I helped Josh.

There the 4 of us were on the side of the road, Kaj in nothing but a diaper, his clothes and shoes stuffed in a bag, and we took one look at that carseat and there was no way in H he would be able to sit back in that thing. Where was the next town? 10 miles. So Kaj on my lap, buckled in, and driving extra careful, ducking any sign of coppers we strolled into the next small town. I felt really awesome with a 3 year old on my lap pulling into the gas station. "Was that wrong? Cause if I had known anything was wrong with that..." ha Anyways, so I went inside to ask if they had anything like a Target or Walmart, and that guy smiled at me like "you silly traveller" and told me no there wasn't, but there was a Bi-Mart. Bi-Mart? Ok, "Do you think they have a carseat?" Because, what do you have to do when you are parents just rolling with the punches? You purchase a new carseat, and dump the one covered in sickness. So that is exactly what we did. Sam walked over to the dumpster behind McDonalds, brushed his hands of it and walked away. There was a manager who went to look in the dumpster as we pulled away to see what this mystery item was.. and I bid him good luck as we drove away.

What a trip?! One for the story book, Sam said. Yes, indeed. So we will make the trip again in a few days, Sam driving the moving truck, and me with the boys. I really hope this is an easier trip on everyone. But, hey! We have a place to live! And, if I am lucky I will get to listen to the "Monkey song" aka "I want to be like You" from the Jungle Book another hundred times.