A Complete 180

every day summer 2016

Over the last few days I have done a complete 180 from the feelings I posted last. Not to say I have been feeling like I need to drink all those days between posting. I have suddenly been feeling like I want to pause time. I can only imagine these feelings are coming on strong because school is starting. A week from Wednesday Kaj will be starting 1st grade and a week from Thursday Josh will be in preschool for a couple days a week. Preschool doesn't freak me out as much as the fact that next year Josh will be in Kindergarten. And that is where my stopping time is coming in. 

Rowan... is so fun right now. He is so sweet and so funny. I cannot begin to write all the things that make us laugh about Rowan. His singing, his pretend phone conversations with any object available, his love for his doggy. He knocks on the front door and is genuinely so happy when you welcome him in the house. His insistent for bandaids on both of his thumb with no injury necessary. He loves songs at night and kisses and says I love you. And imagining him not doing these things...no thank you!

hike up Tumalo Falls

Old Mill with cousins

Frankly, I love all my kids just as they right now. If I could just add sequential hours of sleep to my life I would leave it just the way it is. I looked at Kaj and Josh the other day sitting next to each other and imagined them with weird mustaches growing in, and their voices changing and ...eeh.. I am a little nervous what puberty is going to look like in our house. Sam better gear up for all ...of that because I might be going to get my toes done. 

sprinklers with cousins

I also came to the realization...this whole summer I have been apologetic in my head thinking how hard this summer must have been for them, but it hasn't been at all! They have a new baby brother who they adore. Kaj and Josh both learned how to ride their bikes on two wheels. We have done a lot of sprinklers, and a lot of biking. We have had family in town, they have played with cousins, they have gone mountain biking with their dad many times, they have gone camping. I mean...that sounds like one heck of a summer actually. Cheers! I love these boys so very much. I know I can't keep them little but I am sure going to try to capture moments, and write things down so I can always go back and remember the times when they would only go to bed after mom gives them a hug and a kiss. 

life lessons at High Desert Museum

Candy shop

Add every day when she was visiting

Dandy's date while the big boys went camping

A smiling Jonah 

Scotch on the Rocks

I don't know much about drinks all I know is I am not sure this would be strong enough today. It seems appropriate that I am writing this on the first day back in business solo. For the past week I have been fortunate enough to have Sam's parents in town helping. Before that my sister was here, and then my mom for a week. Although there was a little space between visits Jonah was a few week old and just slept. In a matter of weeks this has changed where he spends most of his awake time crying. 

So, in true fashion there was a point today where everyone was crying in the house at the same time. Seems about right. 

It has been one of those days where I feel lost in motherhood. I mean this in a number of ways. I don't know what I am doing. I am not even doing that good of a job and that is all I am doing. I also feel like I lost me in motherhood. I don't sit down and write anymore ( I know I know I am writing now) I don't sing, I don't play the piano--and all of these things I truly love. Loved. Love. I don't feel like a grown woman. How could I? It is 1 o clock in the afternoon and I am wearing Mickey Mouse sweatpants and the most I have done to put myself "together" is put dry shampoo in my hair. 

The "Gentlemans cut"

Grandpa Jo letting Josh steer

So that is it. That sums up today. My older boys who have been wanting lunch for a couple of hours now have been asked to clean their room in order to have lunch and instead I hear them messing around, and even though I remind them that the faster they get done the sooner they can eat. Cue the scene of Brian Regan with instructions bouncing off his head. Unlearnable.  With Rowan I still got out, I feel like I did. I could be remembering it wrong, but this 4th is turning me into someone who feels incapable of getting out with all of my boys. My new plan is to sight my expectations at absolute zero. Zero plans to get myself ready, zero plans of going anywhere with the boys, no goals to clean anything and that way anything that does get done I will consider a victory. 

Kai's turn to drive

blue bellied lizard at Oliver's

Paint ball gun target shooting

Two of the cutest boys on two wheelers

Baby Jonah

 My sister Megan arrived on the 26th of June. It was, as usual, a shot in the dark as to when I would be having a baby, but that week for an accurate time table seemed plausible. Megan has recently decided to become a doula. She named her business "Any Day Now" doula services which is pretty adorable if you ask me. So, of course, I invited her to be my doula.

It was so good to have her with us. We had a few days before baby Jonah arrived which actually worked out perfectly. We were able to do a lot of things together with the boys. We took them to the river a couple times, the park where we walked for a treat at LoveJoys and the pond, to the Reptile Zone, and Megan and I went down town and got some delicious gelato ice cream. Megan is the salt of the earth kind of person. She is positive, honest, genuine, and loving. I really enjoy being around her. My boys also loved being around her. She was the perfect mix of fun and helpful.

June 30th

I had been having contractions throughout the night-but honestly I had had so many contractions in the last few weeks that there was really no way for me to tell if anything was going to come from it. However, that morning I continued to have them and I thought if I wanted to kick things into gear we should go for a walk. So, we packed up the boys and went down to the river and walked the trail towards the Old Mill. About an hour in I realized they were getting worse and more painful. So, perhaps this was real. It took me a while to be convinced that we should go to the hospital. We were checked in at 3pm. My friend Jane stayed with my boys and Sam was at work. Sure enough, contractions were about 2 minutes apart. Megan suggested the birthing ball to bounce on instead of just lying in the bed and I have to say it made a huge difference! I realized that laying down made the contractions far worse and less tolerable. So, I was able to actually labor longer without even a thought of an epidural. At 6 I was admitted to the hospital. (Still no Sam) But, actually Sam had called and I told him to go home relieve Jane and get the boys to bed, and then another friend Heather would come over so Sam could leave. I decided that I would use the ball until contractions were too painful even on that. I was at a 6- almost 7 when I got the epidural around 7 to 7:30. The aesthesiologist was so great. He was just a smiley guy, and confident, and explained what he would be doing just before he did it. Megan held my hands and then from there labor was lovely. A good epidural.. is so wonderful. To look at the monitor and see how many contractions were coming and calmly talking through them.. its nice. Also, much earlier I found out the my doctor- Dr. Carlson- was there that night and would be the one delivering my baby. That has never happened before so I was excited about this. So, at 8:50 Dr. Carlson came in and said he wanted to move things along and he would be breaking my water. Cue Sam. This is the time that Sam walked in and met Dr. Carlson for the first time. Just as Dr. Carlson broke my water a little hand shot out not out out but, he could feel his little fingers right at my cervix. So... Dr. Carlson sat there yep down there and it was...a while. 10 minutes? That he was trying to get baby to pull his hand back. He explained that we couldn't deliver him in that position and we would have to talk about a C section, otherwise. He left when he could not longer feel his hand and asked the nurse to check again in 5 minutes to make sure he didn't have his hand back out in front. Megan commented that she really did like my doctor, and appreciated that he took the time to sit there for that long and make sure that we were in the clear. I like my doctor too.
I started feeling contractions come on again despite my epidural and I knew it was close. Around 10:20ish they came in and checked me I was at a 10. Prepped. And, said: "It's time. Lets have a baby." I have to say... that is a weird moment cause to me I am thinking: "Is it time? Cause... I am not so sure..."But, I guess it was time. So, at first I forgot how to push. Super awesome. Then, it came back to me. I pushed for possibly just shy of 10 minutes. My longest time yet. Haha! And, of course up to this moment we didn't know what we were having and Dr. Carlson announced, "You are definitely outnumbered." And handed me my 4th boy. Sam and I looked at each other, chuckled a little, and defeatedly said, "Another boy." But in a happy way.

Throwing rocks in the pond

Reptile Zone

I had worried about what my reaction might be if it were to be a boy. I had thought of the possibility throughout my pregnancy often accompanied by a lot of tears. I never imagined myself not having a daughter. I would want that experience. I had a very honest vulnerable conversation about this very thing with Sara about half way through my pregnancy and she made some points about future daughter in laws comparing it to her own experience with her mother in law and how important that relationship is. I had thought so many times about how I needed a daughter, about how Sam needed a little girl, how the boys needed a sister, that only a sister would allow for a certain kind of peace in our home or a new calm, but when I met Jonah the thought that came to my mind was, " Why can't Jonah be exactly what our family he needed." He is in our family for a reason. Sam looked at me, touched me on the shoulder and sincerely said, "Sorry I didn't give you a girl." It made me teary eyed, but not because of any kind of disappointment. I was really ok. It was much better than OK. I didn't really have a name in mind. The first night in the hospital I awoke with the name Caleb on my mind. But, realized, Caleb is my nephew, and that wouldn't work. Megan looked up names like Caleb and one of the first on the list was Jonah. Jonah. That was it. He was a Jonah. We are still undecided on a middle name. I would love to be writing this blog with a sure full name, but that is not the case. 

Old Mill rock June 30th

My boys who literally have been praying for a baby sister for a least 6 months every day did not bat an eye when Sam told them they had a new baby brother. When we brought him home from the hospital the boys were in love. They were so tender with him, and so excited about him. I was talking with my mom a few days after having Jonah home, and we were talking about me having another boy. My mom was saying something a long the lines of: sometimes it doesn't seem that exciting to people, "oh another boy, or oh another girl." She was saying that even for herself that by the time she had her 4th girl people could think that same way. But, she said, "but no, it wasn't just another girl. It was Caitlin. And now you have Jonah." It is another special unique individual that is going to bring something entirely different to your family. I am a mom of all boys. This has been my title for a while now, so it just seems more official now.  I love my boys. I actually am happy being that mom of all boys. My boys are sweet. They are nice to others. They are very sweet to me. I have no doubt that I will be part of many adventures. I look forward to them carrying my pack for me...ha. No, I will carry my own. I love my little Jonah. So far, he is sweet, and peaceful and exactly what our family needed.  

Sam biking with the boys

Meeting baby Jonah

Home from the hospital

Jonah Christensen 

Born at 10:32 pm June 30th

7lbs 14 oz 20 inches 

Pretend Camping and Preterm Labor

We have all this camping gear. We got all this camping gear a couple years ago. Truth is-we have now only used it for pretend camping aka camping in the yard. The first time we used it was at our old house and Rowan was a baby, and this second time I was extremely pregnant and not about sleep in a tent if I didn't have too. But, I did hang out with the boys for a while. We sang, "Where is my Hair brush," the silly song from Veggie Tales. Which, I love that song, I think it is hilarious. We brought out books and I read to them. I am excited for real camping. I know the boys are excited for real camping. Sam may have to venture with the older boys a couple times before I can really go. Again, new baby, in a tent. I am no pioneer.

The boys camped out and the next morning I started having contractions. There is a theory, not mine, that it was because I hiked the butte the day before. I am classic at second guessing labor pains. I have to battle mentally to convince myself that the pain was real, and not just in my head, and then I started timing them. Every 2 minutes. Huh?? Ok. So, I let Sam know. Then, I called Whitney. Then I told Sara because Sam was out on a mountain bike ride. Before I knew it Sara was taking me to the hospital and Sam was going to meet us there. I was 34 weeks. I was not sure what was going to happen. But, I also wasn't nervous. Sam soon met me there, and we were able to hang together a little laugh a bit, as I was continually getting monitored. Sam left to get back to the boys and was bringing me a bag of some things since I wasn't really prepared for this trip.

They gave me a couple of shots of something that supposedly flat lines contractions, but they did nothing. They gave some doses of pills that were supposed to do the same and still nothing. By the time Sam got back it was intended that I stay that night because they were not able to stop them. I opened the hospital bag Sam had brought me and much to my surprise he had packed me jeans and a normal top...where was I going?  So, I put on my jeans and got in my hospital bed. It is funny.

I did end up with comfy clothes. But, I also ended up staying so much longer than I would have liked.    The last ditch effort to stop contractions was giving me Magnesium and it was awful and that is what worked. So, when I left the hospital. I did not have a baby and I no longer had contractions. It was weird.

Last Day of School

Library time with Crosby

Last day of Joy School

Character Award for Optimism 

Mrs. Steele and Kaj

We made it through to the last day of school. Josh- in Joy School and Kaj in Kindergarten. It was touch and go there...not really. But, Kaj did struggle a bit at times. But, he ended on a high note. Kaj had a time nearing the end where his behavior was not the best. It turned out he was quite disruptive and it was really important to him that his peers think he was funny. The theme we go back to with Kaj is that he is an amazing kid when he is himself, and reminding him he doesn't need to act any different. There was a plan put in place about the last month and half of the year to try and fix his behavior that Kaj's teacher would tell me every day at pick up if he "stayed on green" for the day. Needless to say, he was staying on green. I found out the last week of school that Kaj's teacher-  Mrs. Steele was retiring. I was actually very bummed to find that out because I was hopeful that Josh would have her also. She was a very good teacher. She was not super sweet or fluffy like I had thought Kindergarten teachers were quite the opposite. She was obviously passionate about teaching, she expected a lot from the kids, and she really wanted to push them to be their best. Kaj learned a lot about the desert, the arctic, and the ocean. He would come home and tell me all about the ocean animals and things that I didn't even know. I was just happy to know he was listening and retaining all that he was learning. He started learning math, and his reading has improved so much. It is something that we will have to continue during summer break so that he can feel confident going in to 1st grade. What?! That's crazy to think about. 

Josh this school year we did a co op group of moms so he participated in Joy School. There were 7 kids, and each mom taught 4 times throughout the year. Not bad at all. We had a good group of kids, and great group of moms. He was excited about learning and he got along with the kids very well. It was very fun to pick him up and to see him so happy. He will start Shining Stars Preschool in September with Miss Mindy. I am still holding on to even the slightest hope that he will end up in the Pre K class. He is set to go into the 3-4 year old younger class. (I have lots of feelings about this circumstance that I will not go into...you are welcome.) He is smart and it will be fun to see him in more of school setting to prepare him for Kindergarten. 

Proud of boys.

Moles and Fishing

A story too funny not to be documented and before it is a forgotten memory is the story about the mole. My mole to be precise. Sam and I were both helping to get Rowan to bed. I know I have mentioned it, but we really like Rowan. He is such a fun kid. So, we were laughing and playing with him and having a really good time. Rowan was throwing his hands up in the air and laughing, and then suddenly one more flick of his hands and before I knew it he had actually sliced and diced my mole. The one I am speaking of is the one on my lip. Most people will recall I do have a mole there. It has been there most of life. It is not as if I love this mole, though it may sound like I do, it is just that it in a position that I have never felt so inclined to remove it. So, I excused myself to the bathroom to assess the actual damage while Sam wondered what exactly happened. I realized upon my evaluation that he cleanly sliced it enough that it could flip up and was bleeding. It didn't hurt, but I really was wondering if my whole mole would end up falling off and again it wasn't as if I was worried about not having it, but it really does take up quite a bit of my lip that I can't imagine what that would look like.  Moley Moley Moley. Seriously, what are the chances? This mole must really big- were my funny thoughts. So, I told Sam and showed him, and he could tell right away I was concerned. "Well, do you want us to remove it?" He asked. "Well...no." I answered. Still trying to come up with a solution to my anxiety he asked, "do you want us to reattach your mole??" I burst out and laughed because of how silly it all was. I mean, who reattaches a mole?! Not me! Could he do that?? Needless, about a week later everything was fine. I still have my mole. I am glad I didn't go into Sam's office asking to reattach it. 

In the meantime, one Saturday Sam told me out of the blue that he promised the boys he would take them fishing. Well, I knew we had no gear for fishing and wondered if the plan was really to go and get all the gear and the permits and the bait so he could make good on his promise. It was the plan. It was a pretty rainy day but despite the weather we packed all the boys in the car went to Walmart and picked out their first little ironman and spiderman fishing poles then went to Sportsman Warehouse to get the permits, the tackle box and bait and then went to Shevlin Park. Shevlin Park is one our family has visited a lot. It just has always presented a lot of options. There is the fishing pond, and different trails to explore whether walked or riding your bike, we have climbed up big rocks here, or just walked down to the river to throw rocks. The boys were so excited. We only ended up with one working fishing pole (thanks a lot Walmart) and the boys switched off. Rowan, was in his own world, a world that I was chasing him around in. He would run over to the water, and the bridge, and then finally settled on the bushes near by where he played in pretty well most of the time. That kid. Since then Sam has taken the boys fishing a few times, and they actually really enjoy just practicing their casting in the yard. I am glad that Sam suggested it and I am sure we will go many more times in the years to come.

Kaj Turns 6

lost first tooth day before his birthday

Oh, Kaj bears, my Kaj bears. There are so many things I can say about this boy. He has grown up so much I feel this last year. Cue the picture of him losing his first tooth-yes, I am in the season of losing baby teeth and growing in monster size grown teeth-it is strange. Yeah...I am still the teeth thing, I mean, he has now lost two and I am telling you I am little concerned about how everything is going to fit. But, I digress. Kaj had a great birthday this year. We had our first successful friend party. We went to the Oregon Olympic Athletics which was perfect. They could play on everything they had for an hour and then we got him a Star Wars cake, opened some presents, and we did not have to plan much else at all. Which is exactly what I was looking for to be entirely honest. In the pregnant state (I know the classic pregnancy cop out) I just did not have it in me to any more. But, it was great. He has a wonderful time with his friends and his brothers. Kaj has talked about going to the same place yet again for his next friend birthday party. 

That was on a Saturday and his birthday was on a Monday so after school that day we went and got some donuts and called it good.

great brothers

Kaj is smart, energetic, observant of others feelings, and one goofy kid. He can be a worrier about things he does not know especially if it might result in any kind of pain. For example, his first tooth being pulled out or riding on a 2 wheeler bike after falling down one time. It takes a little convincing that it will all be all right, but hopefully as he grows up he actually see that this is true. Kaj can be an amazing brother. He likes to teach his brothers things, and loves playing with Josh. Kaj is good at being polite, and usually understanding what needs to be done when I ask him. Kaj knows how to solve some math problems, he is very good at numbers, his reading has improved so much, and loves to color.

party goers

Rylan, kaj, and Belle

I really love my Kaj bears so much. Our family would be so different without him. I love being able to spend one on one time with him, and feel it is very important right now so I hope that Sam and I will be able to do that more.