I Believe in a Thing called March

 Whew! What a whirl wind life can be. Since I last blogged Kaj and Josh had the flu, (The Flu Flu not just the stomach flu. Yes, they are very different) and recovered, Jonah turned 8 months, Rowan started private sessions in speech therapy and school, Valentines day has come and gone, we started the boys in gymnastics, and we also- ahem- don't have any idea what we want to do for work. We have work. We are thankful for that. But Sam is really tired of working for BMC. So, in that case, we really don't know.

How are the boys doing? Let's start with Kaj. He is doing so great in 1st grade. He has really grown up so much this last year. It is amazing. He has lots of friends, he really enjoys his teacher, Mrs. Multop, and will often tell me: "She is the best teacher." I love reading with him, and seeing how much he can read on his own now. He also really likes writing his own books. (where does he get that?? haha) He recently looked at me while we were on homework one day, and said: "Hazel eyes are really scary. Right mom?" haha Right! No, I really didn't agree so whole heartedly I actually asked him why. I guess it's because they turn orange?
Josh, well there will be more on him later for his birthday post. But, in a nutshell: He is amazing. He is smart and creative, and considerate and funny. He loves Miss Mindy's preschool and I kinda think he also loves little Hadley. We often watch Hadley maybe a couple times a month we will have her for the whole day while Heather works and this is the conversation I heard one day on the way home from school. Josh: "So...who are you in love with?? Hadley: "Nobody! Josh: "Well then who are going to marry?" Hadley: "My dad." Josh: "You can't marry your dad! Your mom already married him!" Hadley: "Well, when I am older I will steal my dad away from my mom." I relayed this funny interaction to Heather and she had told me that earlier she said she would be marrying Josh. Drama, drama, drama.

Sam was out with Kaj and Josh one day doing some exercises in the garage gym- I have these moments where I feel like I have literally stepped into my future- this was one of those moments. I closed the door pretty quickly.  Since then, my boys will often use their free time to "go get their pecks," or "work on their pecks."  I not only hear a lot about pecks but I also get the title of Instapeck Inspector-they whip those pecks out without a moments notice to show me how big they are getting. Now, this is clearly hilarious. I have discovered that the term "pecks" is interchangeable for the word "muscles." Kaj told me is wanted to pecks on his stomach and on his arms etc. and then things made a touch more sense. So, watch out world! My boys have been spending a lot of time lately on their pecks.

Aforementioned, my boy started gymnastics. I know they are enjoying it. It does look like a lot of fun actually, and after a few times they are doing much better. I couldn't help, the first time they went, laughing to myself many times. Kaj is my son through and through. His awkwardness...but he doesn't seem too hindered by it. The instructor asked for a volunteer to do a somersault. Hands shot up in the air, but Kaj's was first. OK. Here we go. With a graceless display of long arms and long legs heaping over each other he proceeded to show how a somersault is done. Adding, "I can also do a ninja flip." Huh?? Like I said, I definitely would rather him have confidence in himself, but boy, the first day of gymnastics class was a doozy.

My dear, dear Rowan bears. We are coming out of a hard month with him. He started speech, and though there are some improvements and small things that he will do every day I did have some hard conversations that concluded that continues to be concerns and red flags with him. Alluding to the fact that he will be having further testing to see him if he is on the Autism spectrum. We already have things underway with a group here, and I have spoken to the doctor, and gave her a rundown. That was a really hard day. But, after some very uplifting conversations with Sam, my New York girls, my mom, and my neighbor, I felt a lot better. Sam made the comment, "I think Rowan is going to surprise us." I think he is too. He is a happy little guy, he is full of joy and love. I will just continue to be more patient with him. He is also really lucky to have Josh home right now with him, because Josh includes him and plays with him which is exactly what he needs. 

Jonah is the star of the show. He continues to be so adored by his brothers. He is starting to army crawl around, and is making more attempts to get on to his knees. He is eating a lot cereal and baby food. He is a pretty happy baby most of the time. He is makes lots of noises, and loves laughing and cannot wait to be a part of the older brothers. He is watching them all the time with every thing they do. We love Jone Jone. 

Sam has been putting out his resume again. We have a few options on the table, but we have not made any decisions. Despite not enjoying BMC he works really hard for our family, and he cares a lot about his patients. I know that he tries to take very good care of them. I do want him to be happy at work, and I want him to feel respected and valued is his job, and I know he has not been getting that. He is so dedicated to our family, and I love him.

Valentines Day box

How am I doing?? Good. A little crazy with the work stuff. I just try to not to worry a head of time. There seems like there is new solutions almost daily to what we are going to do or where we are going to be. I do love Bend. I have a hard time picturing us away from Bend. So, for now, we are here, and until that changes I am going to love it. I am very busy with the boys, but it feels like  good busy. I am striving to be more patient with myself at this time, because I really do want to cut myself a break. Mom guilt is real. No cure either. So, I try to live from moment to moment more than day to day because that way my whole day is not ruined by just a bad moment anymore.

Moana ala Josh. The crab, Maui equipped with his hook, and Moana

 Kaj getting his character trait award of Friendship at school

resonated with me so much HAHA

Rowan's Birthday and Loads of Snow

Happy 3 year old

And just as the New Year rings in...it's Rowans's birthday. I have said this before: it's a sneaky birthday. I think about it prior to Christmas, yes, however, I have never done anything about because I just want to get past Christmas and then think about it. But, it never does give me much thinking time. So, Rowan turned 3. Rowan can be a ray of sunshine. If Rowan is happy things are great. He is delightful. He can win a prize for the best smile and the best laugh in any...smile/laugh competitions. He is very energetic. He loves any time he can run around, and jump, or slide that is him in his element. Rowan...is also pretty challenging at this time. I am saying it nicely. It is very challenging with him right now. Sam and I often say to each other we don't know what to do. He is 3. The terrible 3's and he very often wants contradicting things at the same time. Rowan began private speech sessions, and will also begin classes once a week which will hopefully catch him up in the communication department. This has been the cherry on top of what I believe is making it tougher than what we are used to. Rowan is not where he should be in his expressive language. I do believe that we are taking all the right steps to get him on track, and I continually get positive feedback on his progress. I suppose Rowan is the child (right now) that I worry about. We love him. That's a given, but I worry if he is not where he should be in a year it will really affect him in a lot of areas. He gets by on his charms, his energy, and he looks...it's kinda true. 

Rowan's birthday this year we went to Eugene as a family because Sam had an interview there. So, we all made the trek together in hopes for some fun and some swimming at the hotel. It is about a 3 hour drive to Eugene. Not too bad considering we have driven a lot longer stretches with a carload. The was great. The boys were well behaved. I sat in the back only part of the time to talk to and to entertain Jonah who was-so stinking cute.

 When we got to the hotel the first thing we saw was an outdoor pool: closed, and iced over. No matter. We had other ideas in mind- we had the idea of taking the boys to this indoor waterpark that a friend recommended so all would be right in the world. After getting a bit settled we knew this was our window to get some dinner. With Rowan in mind considering he was our birthday boy we settled on the Pancake House. Jonah- the poor guy- had had enough of the car and was just tired in general cried the whole way. When we got to the restaurant he settled down and we were all happy and ready for some pancakes.Much to my surprise the door was locked. Of course, I tried to pull the door again to see if it was a muscle thing, but it was locked. I checked their hours both on their door and according to their website and we should have had an hour. But no, we were just ignored by the man who was inside mopping the floors. Maybe he didn't have peripheral vision. So, we got back in the car with an immediate outcry from both Rowan and Jonah now. We simply just had to pick the first place we saw for sanity's sake which was Cafe Yumm. Ordered. Sat Down. Sigh of relief with everyone happy. Time passed. Too much time. And Sam went had asked about our order. And they  forgot to put it in! haha! Our very apparent and unusual for Oregon family of 6 was completely overlooked. Sam got a refund and we went across the street through the McDonalds drive thru only this time with Rowan and Jonah screaming. By the time we got back to the hotel they had both cried themselves to sleep. 

Spending a night at a hotel with the stage we are in with our kids is always tricky. We were prepared for this. I was not prepared for the fumes. There was such a strong smell in our hotel room I almost didn't want to breathe too deeply, and thought there was a slight possibility we would all be dead by morning. It smelled liked cleaning supplies. It smelled as if every cleaning supply had spilled out in our room. I do attribute this to the tough night we had with Jonah. We had to relocate him to several different areas within the adjoining room. He was finally quiet. Everything was quiet. And just when I had decided to let me guard down and breathe a sigh of relief...Rowan woke up screaming crying  not knowing where he was. So I hurried to get him in hopes to not wake up Jonah which didn't work, and to have Rowan sleep with us. It seemed he was not going to go to sleep. He was just wiggly and s very awake. But, Sam seemed to be sleeping through it. I decided to forgo that situation and sneak in with Kaj and Josh to try and sleep. I told the boys to scoot over which they sleepily did. I was next to Josh who apparently is also very wiggly. He also doesn't sleep under the covers, which I wanted to sleep under the covers, and his legs were everywhere-the jimmy legs, perhaps. So not the best night sleep considering this was all happening about 3 in the morning.

Do you know how I got these scars? ha!

The next morning we took the boys down for the breakfast and also wait for the person who was meeting up with Sam to take him to his day long interview. It is always interesting watching people's faces who notice our family. I watch their eyes counting the boys. They usually smile at how silly our lives must be. Sometimes they ask if Jonah is also a boy. "Yes." "4 boys!! Wow..." Honestly I do not know how I managed 5 hours in a hotel room with the boys. We watched Jumanji, we tried napping Jonah, we played a potato head matching game, we opened Rowan's presents and frosted cupcakes, and ate some cupcakes, and played with his birthday presents but still that that all measured up to occupying that whole time is a miracle. We went and picked Sam up in the afternoon and after hearing about his interview he mentioned that there was a huge ice storm rolling in. After discussing at weighing our options we knew it was in our best interest to head out sooner than later. So, that's it. We packed up and we left. I felt like the set of John Mulaney when he goes to the doctor's to get a prescription for something for his anxiety, but doesn't want to just go in asking for drugs. He ends up waiting for 3 hours, gets an unnecessary prostrate exam, faints, and then leaves.

So, Eugene was a bust. But, of course, Rowan was happy and fine. One really special thing about Rowan and some thing I love about him is he loves when the whole family is together. Any time we are in the car together he is grinning from ear to ear. He just likes to be altogether. So do I.

So Bend has had an epic winter. In just December and January we have had 62 inches of snow. We have been buried. I have talked about the fact that the city of Bend does not plow their roads. A fact that is not optimal considering I have gotten stuck in the snow many times since I have moved here. So, because we have been getting so pummeled with snow Kaj has gone a running total of 7 days since January 2nd when school started back up after the holiday break. They have had to send plows out going against everything Bend believes in, otherwise, we probably would not have gotten out at all. Just as it seemed there was be no more snow days a middle school roof collapsed that was within out district. So, school was then cancelled again to assess all the school roofs until it was shown that all were safe. I will note that no one was hurt where the roof collapsed. Scary though. I was taking Kaj to school a couple days ago and he made the comment like, "well, maybe school will be cancelled again next Friday." And I explained that school was back in session and they will not be canceling days anymore. But, there was also a part of me thinking: Touché son, touché.

Christmas Time Christensen Style

My 4 handsome boys

Crazy Josh 

 Christmas time of 2016 was spent away from family this year and at home. I must say as I think about the things that we were able to do as a family: sledding, baking, picking out and decorating the tree, playing in the snow, and just being together playing games it was wonderful. I definitely missed being around the rest of the family on Christmas eve and Christmas especially when I saw all the pictures on my phone  reminding me that oh yes they still made plans even when we aren't there haha I thought maybe they would you know cancel everything on the account we weren't able to make it.
   As usual I broke out the Christmas music after Thanksgiving putting decorations away and the boys were even excited about the music especially Rowan who always smiles at me with a look like, "Woman, you are crazy, mom." Because there are always dancing that goes along with it and if anyone knows how well I dance...well grace is it not exactly my strong suit. Nor coordination. I love sledding at Wanoga with the boys this year. Josh, who can be timid at first went down the mountain fearlessly. It was a little frightening. Sam or I went down with Rowan, however, he did not like if snow got on him which it often does when sledding. I had to carry Jonah and boy he got Heavy!
     We attended some Christmas parties and won the Ninja bread man kit which was great because we got a ninja bread book this year that actually did not come with ninja bread cookie cutters so a little tradition could be in the making. Speaking of traditions we had our grinch night with grinch treats, and read lots of Christmas books, and decided for Christmas eve to make chili and cornbread-a favorite at our house. We watched the Santa tracker and set out cookies for Santa.

It was especially fun this year because Sam was really involved in all the presents. In years past I  I got the gifts and the wrapping done and Sam was just as surprised come Christmas morning. This year we decided together what we were getting for everyone, and Christmas eve Sam and I were the elves wrapping the presents and watching the worst Christmas movie ever...like elves do. It was about a woman who fell in love with a ghost. The spirit...of Christmas :/ But, it was so much more preferred. It was fun. This year Christmas was on a Sunday so we woke up made monkey bread and opened presents and went to an hour of church. The boys some humungous legos sets and it took a few days to put them together and honestly... a really addicting hobby. Apparently I enjoy putting legos together. 

Ninja bread men

Also, a really nice feature to our Christmas holiday was the fact that Sam took 2 weeks off. It was great having him home. The boys loved it, I loved it, and he actually didn't want to go back to work when the time was up. Of course, in true holiday fashion, what I loved most was the time spent with my boys. What's not to love about fun snow days, coming home turning the fire on by a beautiful tree, listening to Christmas music, and sipping hot chocolate? Exactly. 

ensuring his presents Christmas Eve

It is beautiful here

Merry Christmas

In Regards to the Daughter I Didn't Have

We are 6 months into this after having baby Jonah and I will still hear conversations between Kaj and Josh talking, "And if we have another baby" or "When we have another baby." But, mister Jonah bears is the bookend baby. He is adored in every way. His brothers love him so much. They talk with him, hold him, and laugh with him. He's a lucky kid. Truth is, 6 months in, and I am still unraveling my feelings about not having a baby girl. What is to unravel? I had a boy. But, there are things to unravel because the thought can still sting. That's how I know.

I will sometimes think thoughts like: I couldn't be a mom to a girl. I'm just not girly enough. (Of course this is not a logical reason) But honestly, boy after boy after boy after boy I really have become less and less girly. I was tucking my pajama bottoms into my socks the other night and I was telling Sam in order to keep warm at night this is what needs to be done. Sam teasingly turned to Jonah whom he was holding and said, "There's your mom again always keeping it classy." haha!! I don't think I am complete hot mess but probably 90% of this winter has me in my ponytail, comfy clothes, and maybe a little make up on. But, I do believe I would want to paint little fingernails, and curl long hair and accessorize with pretty bows when she is little. More importantly I would want her to be  confident, smart, and a lot more sure of herself than I ever was. I pictured Sam with a little girl. How he would care for her, and look at her lovingly. I thought of a sister with all her brothers surrounding her, Protective and doting.

I also think about my mom and my sisters. I think about the relationships I have with these important women. I think how I will never experience a mother/daughter relationship. I won't. I will never know what that feels like. I will only get to imagine what it could have been like. That will be the closest I ever get.

Now, the tone of this is not mopey-it's not supposed to be-it's a matter of fact. Sam imagined we would have had a little girl with blonde hair and olive skin ( which track record wise she would not have had blonde hair) but that is about as far as I can get...just the image of her I had in my head. I don't know the degree of sass versus sweetness or spunk versus seriousness. I can't think how much she would like dolls, dance, or other sports. I couldn't make up her personality. I can think of the relationship I would have wanted to have with any daughter. That's it.

I have my sons. I love them. I love each of them, and I know each of them. I don't have to paint pictures--they are 4 of the most handsome and sweet boys I could have ever dreamed up. I was not given a daughter. I was given these boys. I intend to be the best mom of boys that I can be since this is my specialty I hope I am doing a good job already. In regards to the daughter I didn't have...  I would have loved her. But, my reality is I get to love these 4 boys of mine every day.

Give Thanks

I am listening to the new sound track from the Trolls movie...not the soundtrack just the one song over and over. A very inherited trait from my mom ( thank you no really thank you) this song makes me so happy whenever I listen to it. And I listen to it right now a whole lot. So, it seemed a perfect time to blog about this past Thanksgiving. My parents came despite the fact that they were in the thick of moving. When they were selling their home in September and then planned their trip to come over Thanksgiving in the back of my mind I just knew they would sell it right before visiting and inhibit them from coming. Well, only half was true. They worked really hard and made their visit happen. We were all so happy they did. My boys were so thrilled to see them. I was very excited for my dad to meet Jonah for the first time, and happy to see my dad since we calculated it had almost been a whole year since I had seen him. They arrived on Thanksgiving day right in time to help us finish up cooking. Which was much appreciated, Sam had picked up a turkey from his friend who has a turkey farm and I told Sam to find out how big the turkey was so we could figure out cooking time I was pretty astounded to hear it was 26lbs. "That's huge!!" I said. "Is it really that big?"Sam asked. Yeah... that is really big turkey. But, as were thawing the bird it noted on the bag it was actually 20lbs. Whew! Dinner turned out quite delicious-if I don't say so myself. And we had lots of leftovers the rest of their trip. We enjoyed the next day by watching Santa fly in on a helicopter at the Old Mill, the new park in town, and then some relaxing time. ( As relaxing as it can be with 4 little boys)  

I am very thankful for my parents. I am grateful for the kind of relationship I have with them. I am thankful that I can still turn to them for advice and every once in a while even be turned too. I am thankful for the family that I grew up with to know I have siblings that have been and will remain to be in each other's corners. I am thankful to be a part of Sam's family. I am thankful for the things that I am learning from them. I am thankful for all those friends near and far who have been a part of my life. They have inspired me and helped me. I am hopeful that I will be considered to always be a friend to them. 

waiting for Santa to arrive

I am so thankful for my boys. To quote Sam one night while praying, "Thankful for Kaj bears, Joshy bears, Rowan bears, and even Jonah bears..." haha! I am thankful for each one of them and even Jonah. Who is actually turning out to be such a sweetheart-a boy that I am enjoying more and more each day. I am very thankful for Sam who is shaping up to be the kind of man I dreamed of. He helps with everything, he is understanding and supportive. I am thankful for the life line that I have with Heavenly Father. I know I can pray to Him any time, any where which seems to be happening more often. I am especially thankful on days where I have an extra slice of "mom guilt." The  days I truly believe that my kids must have lost a bet in heaven to get me as their mom. Usually these are days that I am most disappointed in myself and usually I really don't want to pray because why would He want to hear from me? But, I find that if I do it always makes a positive difference. The song: "I Need Thee Every Hour" pretty much sums up my life in this season. But, knowing I can rely on Heavenly Father is much better than doing this alone.  I am so thankful to know there is a Savior who was willing to atone for us all. I am thankful to know that He knows me perfectly and has felt all the things I have been through. I am working on strengthening both of these relationships. 

I love this time of year. I love the sweet nostalgia of Christmas songs, the fragrance of the tree, the lights on the houses, and the watching snow fall. It feels like a time to reflect and make changes. I am excited to see what our future holidays looks like, but cherish the time now when I have 4 of the sweetest, most handsome, fun, and delightful little boys. 

Kaj shaking Santa's hand

Thoughts for a Sunday

1st grade Kaj

I am home from church for the second week in a row due to sick kids. Rowan is still recovering from his sickness from the week and it is taking him a little longer to put the smack down on it. For the past month Sam and I have decided to read my grandpa's book, "Reflections." My Aunt Anita lent it to us and it finally made sense to sit down and read it on Sundays so we can, of course, finish it and then return it. We do try to read it with the boys though their attention spans last a page of two, but we feel it still important to try. However, Sam and I are loving it. I have read parts of it in the past and I would skip around the pages but I have never read it consecutively like this. As we read it this morning I felt so thankful that he took the time to do this. I am learning a lot more about him and appreciating the history that is portrayed. I also love that I can really hear his voice when we read it. 

A part that we read today Grandpa was talking about communication and the ability or inability to express feelings. He  told the story about a farmer whose wife had died and when friends and family were visiting after the funeral a friend made the comment to him: "That was a very good woman that was buried today."He replied, 'Yes, she was. I almost told her that a time or two." It reminded me of a talk I read recently from April 2014 General Conference called "What were You Thinking?" It also talked about the way we communicate with each other, and how a "soft answer can turn away wrath." I feel I am decent about communicating and expressing feelings. I also don't think that I raise my voice too much?? But, I do want to pay more attention on how I speak to my kids and others. Do I take time to answer "softly?" I definitely want to try. I want to compliment easily and hope others will  feel uplifted and positive. I want my kids to also compliment their own peers on their accomplishments knowing it does not diminish their own. That you can be happy for other people. I hope I can teach that. 

Reading my Grandpa's book made me think of my blogs and blog books. I wonder what kind of impact my words will have on them. If it will have an impact at all. I will continue to write the stories of our lives down (if I could help it) and hope for the best. 

A Croupy Halloween

First thing to do at DD Ranch

A recovering Jonah

A little glimpse of our fall in a nutshell. There was some major up moments and some major downs.  So we are coming out of it "Even Steven." Of course, one of the greatest traditions we enjoyed was visiting the pumpkin patch. There are two pumpkin patches to visit here and they are 5 minutes away from each other and I have confused them before. We went down with the intention to go to one of them. The Smithrock Ranch. But with the thousands of cars in the parking lot we switched gears and went to the DD ranch one. We had gone to the DD ranch last year when my parents were visiting and loved it. We loved it again. It just has a real country feel to it. I am no farmer but I appreciate the farm life apparently. I like the chickens wandering around as well as the old farm dogs, and the little folk band playing. It's delightful. This year there was a man who was making balloon transformations right as we walked in. We let the boys pick out what they would like. Josh and Rowan both got themselves swords and sheaths and Kaj asked for a dog. He loved this dog more than I knew. I did know when the hind balloon legs popped in the car on the way home. Kaj burst into tears. He was legitimately heart broken. I had to remind him balloons pop and "look- he still has his other legs." Before the ride was over the balloon dog was just a head and Kaj was holding the sad balloon remains close beside him. He drew a very accurate drawing of the balloon dog when he got home. It was pretty sad and sweet and honestly a little  humorous all at the same time. 

The past 2 weeks have been sick filled. Sam was the original owner of the sickness. As soon as he felt the sickness come on he slept on the couch so not to get Jonah sick. Very thoughtful I thought. For a week Sam felt lousy and just as he was pulling out of it...Jonah was sick. It has been a very hard past few days. Jonah had croup so it has been more sleepless that when I first brought him home from the hospital. 

We did all go trick or treating around the neighborhood Halloween night. I dressed Jonah like the cutest little monkey ever and carried him in the Ergo until I had to hurry him home just to make him more comfortable. Rowan was hilarious as Ironman, and Kaj and Josh were so sweet. They said thank you to everyone, and wished them all a Happy Halloween. I was very thankful to have such polite boys. It was that night when we got home that Rowan started coughing. (NO!!!!) So Monday night I got even less sleep and woke the next morning to have Rowan Jonah sick. There was A LOT of crying that day. Me included. In public too. That was nice. If you cry in public more than once--it's a pretty bad day. Where?? Oh, at the doctor's office and the grocery store. The doctor's consoling words saying this stage of motherhood is "a hot mess," and then at grocery store where people just stopped to just stare for a minute. Move along people. When the check out guy still asked: "How are you doing today?" I just wanted to say: "Really??" I don't know if I have ever been so much on the brink of sanity or plain running away ever before. Sam came home and calmed down Jonah who had been crying for over an hour straight and told me to take a walk which I desperately needed. I cried some more. But, miracles happen and I got some sleep that night. I felt a million times better today, and so happy. The boys are both getting better, I got to straighten my house even do some light cleaning AND I took my Halloween decorations. (It's really the little things) I have to mention the things I am thankful for in this. I am so thankful that Jonah didn't get more sick. With how young he is it could have been a lot worse. I am thankful that Sam was feeling better. I am thankful that Kaj and Josh were so concerned and sweet and helpful. They are really good boys. Today I was happy to be at home with them. 

Not sure what to think of the sword yet

RIP balloon dog

Cutest brothers