Little Miracles

I feel like I have lost my voice. Figuratively, not literally. I think about sitting down to write again, but then I just think I have nothing to add. Nothing of importance to say. My boys took out all my old printed out blog books a couple weeks ago. They read a few excerpts but mostly just looked at the pictures. I love looking at the old pictures, but also reading. I wonder if there will be a day where my kids will read these, and tenderly get a better grasp on what their mom was all about. Both good and bad. 

I mentioned in another blog that Sam had been called to bishop. Did I talk about it at all? Did I say how I felt like we are misfit toys in this calling. It still feels that way. My mom gave advice that all I need to do is continue to be myself. I think it was good advice, but I think she sees me with mom goggles. As good moms always do 😂💁🏼‍♀️

What is fresh on my mind now are miracles. Two of them actually. One happened yesterday and the other happened a few weeks ago. Both involved Lily.

Yesterday I had forgotten only bread, but because school has started and I am making lunches every day I needed it. So, we were leaving Costco with just our bread, and we were turning left at the intersection by Safeway on 27th. The moment the light turned green everything slowed down. I didn't enter the intersection as I normally would, I was inching forward and suddenly a truck heading southbound ran the red light. I had to break in a second's time to not be hit. But, even when I realized it had not hit me, I could not see how. I turned left and took a moment to breathe the sigh of: "did that really just happen?" But, honestly, reflecting moments after and even now I truly feel like I was watched over with angels present. I don't feel like I was even in charge behind the wheel. If I had entered the intersection as I normally would I would have been hit broadside by a truck going at least 40 miles an hour. He was also completely in my blindside I was not looking to my left, my attention was not on the traffic in that direction. It's astonishing. I know Lily and I were protected. I am so thankful.

This happening made me think of the other one. Weeks ago we were invited over to swim at some friends pool.  They have a very fun pool with a hot tub. Lily was in the hot tub and she had wanted to float in a big tube, but she wanted to take off her life jacket so she could float on the tube easier. She could touch the   bench in the hot tub which is where she was playing, and I walked away when the boys called me to watch them jump from the deck to the pool. I was so excited watching them-clapping and cheering them on- and in the middle of that I knew I needed to check on Lily right then- I looked over and she had slipped through the middle of the tube. I could see her legs still kicking but she was not making any sounds I jumped in immediately threw the tube off of her and got her out of the water. She was ok. I could tell she had blowing the water out of her nose. But, truly don't want to even think if it had been seconds or heaven forbid minutes longer.

I think Lily must be very important. (I don't think these are the mom goggles talking). I think I am important to my mom. I think we are all very important to our Heavenly parents. 

I am thankful for miracles all around us. If there is a prayer out there I hope I can be in tune enough to be the answer on the other end. 

I guess I can still have things to say. 

 

Josh Turns 10

I have a memory of walking with Josh in the grocery story when he was about 2 years old. He was sitting in the front of the cart as most 2 years olds do, and a woman stopped me and she said, "I just have to tell you how cute your baby is...when I saw him I just had to come over because he is striking." I said thank you, and continued on my way, but also had the thought what an interesting word to use to describe him. 

So, the definition of striking is very attractive in a noticeable way. Other adjectives are: impressive and wonderful. You know where I am going. (Joshy, Joshy, Joshy) Yes, Josh is a handsome boy - but, I am thinking more on how he carries himself.  He attracts people to him because he is kind, he is a friend to everyone, he genuinely cares, and he loves making others happy. This is Josh, this is who he is. 

He is starting to become very in tune, and has some very tender stories that I will take the time to share here. One semi recently on a day where Rowan was already at jujitsu and Josh had his friend Pierce over, we were taking him home, and for some odd reason the sliding door kept beeping that it wasn't locking, it was closed, but not engaged fully. All the kids complained every time is beeped, but I reminded them we would worry about it when we were stopped at the house. When we dropped of Josh's friend the door had opened, but now would not close at all. It had completely frozen. I wasn't sure what to do, I thought to call the dealership, but what we would they do, and I really couldn't be late to get Rowan, but I would also be driving down busy streets with Lily's side open, which was concerning..now Josh piped in and suggested we say a prayer. ( I will credit myself just a bit here, because I have definitely stopped to pray with my kids for many different things in a bind) It had not occurred to me to do so. I told Josh to say it-he said a prayer and said thank you for many things and then added if we can fix the door and be on time to get Rowan. We finished the prayer and I was perhaps just waiting for the answer to come, but Josh got out of the car and tried the door again, and it closed. I started to drive thinking "did that just really happen that easily?" And Josh then says, " we need to say a prayer of thanksgiving." Right again! 

In the same week Josh and Kaj had been invited to go skiing for a birthday party up at hoodoo. The snow had been melting a bit and Sam had mentioned to watch out for the tree wells. This is where the snow has melted around the base of the tree but there could still but a lot of snow surrounding it and you can get stuck in them if you not careful. After a lot of night skiing, Kaj had not shown back up on a route they were taking and Josh felt that he should stop, take off his skis, he was directed where to go, and he found Kaj in a tree well, and got him out. 

Another sweet story more recently, we had the missionaries over right before Easter. And part of their Easter message was sharing the latest video. Now, when I read this many years down the road I would want to know that this is the video where Mary Magdelene is at the tomb and she sees the Savior. It then shows her rushing towards to apostles, but it jumps in and out of other clips-people rushing over to loved ones after a long time of not seeing each other, in hospitals, missionaries running up steps to share the gospel. There are embraces, and smiles, and happy and sad tears, and it is so great. After watching it with the missionaries, their challenge was to rush to someone, to comfort to care- something a long those lines. Monday night for family prayer Josh adds that we can rush to someone. Tuesday- Josh is playing football at recess the usual- he then notices his old buddy Shepherd in the field and he was crying. He had gotten hit in the face with a ball and it had knocked his glasses off and he was looking for the lens, Josh left the game to find all this out, and began to help, he then called over the rest of the boys playing football to get their help. They ended up finding the lens for Shepherd. 

This. This is why Josh is striking. He has such goodness, and he calls for others to do the same. He stands out because he is kind. He is noticeable because he nice to everyone around him. Happy Birthday to my now 10 year old, Josh. 

 

I'm the Mom

 Mother's Day is coming up this week. I am definitely not writing right now to toot my own horn. I don't have a horn to toot. I just sometimes to have to remind myself that I am the mom. I have 5 kids- why and how would I need to remind myself of this - my kids call for mom 50 times each at night after I have already said goodnight. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I really do need to remember that my kids are watching me.. it is pretty awful when you hear your kids repeating things you have said in moments when you are not acting or reacting the best. Jonah and Lily say, "I'm done" to each other when they are frustrated. 😳😂 and Yep! I say that too. 

I do hope I am doing some things right. I also kinda hope my kids will also remember who taught them those "right" things and don't just remember the things I am doing and did wrong. 

Kaj got up after our ward missionaries to bear his testimony this last week. He started by saying "Elders, it's not have you have to get up-it's you  get to How clever was that?! So very clever! I didn't even catch on that the missionary had said that when he had gotten up to share his testimony. But, the greatest thing is - that lesson was a lesson that I taught Kaj just a few weeks ago- and something that my mom had shared with me just weeks before that. 

My mom shared the story of a man who had come into her work, and as they were finishing up the test was asked if he had to go back to work afterward, and his answer, "yes, I get to go back to work." My mom noted the difference and shared her thoughts with me, which we agreed that with that slight change of thought it brought a more significant perspective with it. I shared that story with Kaj in a moment I thought he needed to hear it. But, then look! It was retained and I actually think it has made a difference to him. 

I guess that is why it is important to share things; share stories and insights, in hopes to bring positive change. 

And,  I need to stop saying that I'm done. Because, I'm not. I am sucker punched right back in because I love my kids. And, I will also never be done. And, I really don't want to be! 

My Ojos

I feel like I have so much to say right now. Even like I have profound things to say, and yet...I have nothing 😂 I don't know what that really means. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I am proud of my kids and who they are and who they are becoming. I am frustrated with myself anytime I lose my temper at them. I feel guilty if I am not the parent they need me to be to each of them and any given time. 

Kaj is doing Oregon Family School- have I mentioned this? He is home during the week with a curriculum that I have selected for him, and he has one day a week that he goes. This is working for him. He has decided this is what he would like to do next year. He lost friends for unknown reasons at the middle school just before Christmas break. The day before going back he said he wanted to do OFS. So, I sent him to school while figuring everything out, and by the next day he was unenrolled from the middle school and enrolled in OFS. The day I wondered if I was doing the right thing, and a little panicky because it was all going so fast. The thought did cross my mind " Will any one even miss Kaj if he leaves?" The answer if it was "no" was enough for me to say good riddance to the school. Kaj has been happy. He has made friends. He is motivated to get all his work done, and he is enjoying school on the day he goes. Kaj said he wanted a girlfriend the other day. I must love him because I found myself giving advice on how one should try getting a girlfriend. He has a crush in mind, but we will see about that. 

I should add because it is rather life changing- I got my lasik surgery done! It has been a long time coming and I honestly could have easily been talking out of it because I was so scared. I had get a negative Covid test before and I decided if it happened to be positive I couldn't go through all of it again for at least another year. Only because of my spiraling tendencies. You know - the rabbit hole that you would be the one case that it hurts so bad, and your flaps would move, and you would end up blind- those tendencies. 

My mom came in the day before my surgery.. it was a great, fun day and I just thought if I don't end up getting the surgery I could just have fun hanging out with my mom. Sam and I headed to Portland in the morning. We had to stop many many more times than normal because my nervous bladder, which continued when we got there. We were about 45 minutes early and Sam did ask me, "so...why are we here this early?" Just incase. They let you have a valium beforehand and even let it kick in. Which I could tell 10 minutes after taking it, it was working. I felt cool as a cucumber. I also felt a very strong desire to hold everyone's hand who was helping me. ( not to worry - I did not do that- but I did sidle up very close to all people and just about held hands, resisted the urge, but still stood right beside them like we were best friends) The first guy who talked to me and explained everything before bringing me back to the room and the girl walking me out afterward were my best friends. The doctor I wanted to hug him, but I was already in my special suction chair. Each laser was 12 seconds. It crazy to think that your vision life would change within that slight timeframe. They told me it would feel like chili peppers in my eyes afterward and that is exactly what it felt like.  They told me to sleep for 2-4 hours so I went back to the hotel and was thinking I don't think I will actually fall asleep with these chili peppers in my eyes. I did. They said when you wake up the peppers will be gone. I woke 4 hours on the dot with no more chili peppers and voila! That was it in a nutshell. 

There are more stories to share. Sam got called as bishop. I will talk about that later. 😏

 

Rowan is 8!

Rowan had a big birthday this year. He turned 8. We celebrated by going out to the movies on his actual birthday. Sam took the older boys to see the movie Sing 2. Which turned out to be an even bigger expenditure than the just the cost of the movie at the theatre. They loved it so much we rented it, and then we rented it again when the cousins were visiting. 

Rowan is enjoying school. He has a good teacher, and has made friends. He looks up to Josh so much, and luckily Josh has some good buddies that are always nice to him. Rowan is still great with numbers, and is strong in math. Rowan does not like to practice reading, and does not necessarily want any help. He just wants to be older. He wants to know how to do things before he actually know how. I can appreciate the confidence. 

Rowan's baptism was so special. In preparing the program I would name for him the people I knew were for sure coming the time, and then ask who he would like to speak. He would then ask for Uncle Sam. I would remind I didn't know yet if he was coming. We would go through it again and he would do the same thing. He would ask for my brother. I decided to tell my brother that he may just have to buckle down and come because Rowan keeps asking for him. Well, Sam then said "I am 95% sure that I can make it. How long do the talks have to be?" 

Well, my brother came. And then, we learned that Caitlin and her family could come. So, we were so lucky that everyone on my side of the family came- we did miss Emily and Alan. But, everyone else was able to come. We had so many cousins and so many people. It was a very fun weekend.

We pulled off some kind of miracle and the night that everyone arrived the ward was having a ski night. After a lot of back and forth with whether or not to bring snow clothes we decided no- there wouldn't be enough snow. So, with the help of friends who were kind enough to let us borrow on a whim we were able to clothe everyone. We had the best time skiing with cousins at Hoodoo. It was very unforgettable. 

Rowan's baptism was great. He was the sweetest boy all dressed in white. The water was full enough and Sam did a great job and no extremities popped up. My brother gave such an amazing talk. He was teary eyed and sincere and bore a great testimony of the Savior.  It filled the room. All the sisters and my mom were all crying. We put together a song with my dad and I, and the nieces that wanted to sing, and it turned out lovely. Rowan had support from family and friends that showed up and it could not have been more perfect. 

We continued to have a great trip with everyone. I am so thankful for everyone who came and made us feel so loved I couldn't be more grateful. 

As for Rowan- he really is awesome. There is no one I know more honest and truthful with what is on his mind. There are times I just hold my breath and hope that he hasn't offended anyone. 😂 Usually he hasn't. Because you can also always tell that it comes from such an innocent place that it is so obvious he would never mean to offend. 

Even when lately he has been talking a lot about bodies. Skinny bodies, and fat bodies, and healthy bodies. He says that he wants a healthy body. 💁🏼‍♀️ One day he was talking to Sam and he would ask "Do you have to be big when you are in your 40s?" No. "Cause I don't want to be fat when I am in my 40s.. Yeah I am just going to be healthy when I am in my 40s." Certain conversations recycle back around even in the moment you are having them and that was the case for this one on this day. Sam finally said, "Rowan. You have called me fat like  3 times in this conversation." And Rowan said: "No-I called you big. Like 'come here big guy'" as he put his arm around Sam's shoulders. And we laughed and we laughed. 

Another example is when we were hanging out with some friends. Rowan kept talking to our friend Tommy- the dad- and he kept asking him if he ever had hair, and if he liked being bald. Of course, Tommy was funny and great about it. But again, Rowan wanted to have this same conversation a lot. So finally, I turned to Sam and said we should start a SNL skit called "Conversations with Rowan" and you start out sitting up and happy and by the end up you are slumped over in your chair looking entirely sheepish and defeated.  😂 Oh heavens! It's so funny. 

We LOVE having Rowan in our family. I can't imagine my life without him. 

Never Get Old

 How many times did I hear my Grandpa say this?? He said it even more near the end of his life. We always chuckled a little bit because, of course, you can't stop this from happening. You can't stop the time from moving forward and from your body aging if only with your consent. 

I feel like I am starting to believe it. I see it now. If I see it now I will see it even more later...or maybe that's when I will feel it. I will feel old. I think that's the issue right now. I don't really feel it. I am more or less convinced that I am still young. That I still look young and that I am aware of the trends, and the fads- what's in and what is not. I learn a little every day that I am really not. I think you need to be much more invested in social media to be know these things now a days. (See! "now a days" that phrase alone sounds so old! 😆) I still feel like I should have the face of young- might I add even beautiful girl- if only I had realized it- only to have moments where it's too blatant that I do not. 

I am going to a Lasik consultation soon and I have needed to wear my glasses the last few weeks. As I lovingly was helping Jonah wipe his buns he looked at me and said "You look old with your glasses." 😂👍🏻 Thank you! Just exactly what I have been thinking. To help myself feel the tiniest better I took them off and asked, "what about now?" And he said "no." 😅 But, then as I sheepishly put them back on again he reminded me again. "Now you look old again." 

Rowan is very excited to be turning 9. Not 8- the birthday that is coming up, but 9. We have to remind him that he needs to just enjoy being a kid. He needs to enjoy his time when he is 8. I think all kids do that a bit. They think about what it will be like to be 16 and drive, to have more freedoms to stay up late-I did. We all did. If only they really could understand just how much we mean it. 

So, perhaps, with that same advice I may have to give that to myself now. I need to enjoy the time I have now. I can love the movement that I have in my body. I can run, I can walk, I can hike, I can play with my kids- even if things sag more I can do all of this living. I wouldn't want to look back in 30 years and remember how I complained when I was 38. (Josh is so nice and still says things like I am 26) Or there is Rowan who has bringing my age into everything. 

He broke his glasses at school one day. I got a text from the Amber, who is the bishop's wife, and she asked if we had anything to repair the glasses. I thanked her for letting me know and called to make sure I could bring them in later only to hear from her later and she said that they had tied a string and kept the glasses together in the meantime. She then laughed and said Rowan had told her, "My mom is 38 and she might be upset that I broke my glasses." 😂 Those two go together, right? 💁🏼‍♀️ I told the funny story to Sheridan at ABA later and she said they talked a lot that day about how I was 38. 

I guess the only thing I can really do is be the best 38 year old version of myself-that's all I can really do.

I will end this with a unrelated story that if I don't write down somewhere I could forget. Last week Wanye and D'Lonna Nelson came over to our house so Sam could look at spot on Wayne's ear. I need to back up the story to a year ago. They were building a mansion and we had recently moved into our house. They invited us to have a tour of their house. It was very cool. It had everything you could imagine wanting in a dream house. They had a huge playroom with a slide going into it, a pickle ball court, a climbing wall..that's one room. Each of their boys had their own suite, a swimming pool, a theatre room, two ovens.. It was amazing. 

Sam and I as we left that day discussing how cool the house was asked ourselves "should we..invite them over to give them a tour our house." 😂😂 I mean- c'mon thats so funny. Because obviously-not the same thing. We laughed and we laughed. Fast forward. Sam says "Wayne is coming over to have my look at a spot on his ear." K "Should we give them a tour of our house?" We laughed again at the old funny joke we had made. 

They come over. They have their dog with them. There is a lot going on. Josh decides to say after exchanging pleasantries. "Hey D'Lonna-my parents wanted to give you a tour of our small house!" 

Kids are the worst. So, I guess to tie it all in. Kids should enjoy their time because they can only get away with saying something like that for a very short window of time. 

My kids are Growing Up

The Summer is about wrapped up. I feel like we have been able to fit a lot in, and I hope to fit in even more before we go back to school. Oh...back to school. It used to be so simple. Who would have thought that just the simple act of sending your kids back to school would have feelings other than great joy correlated with it. It is not that way anymore. I have had so much anxiety around this than I would like to admit. I have had so many conversations with other mothers, I have been back and forth countless many times on whether or not I will send them back, but, ultimately, we landed on sending them. Kaj wants to go to middle school. I do not want him to go. Oh yeah...you wanted me to say that again, right? Middle school. I know. They start it in 6th grade here. So, my Kaj bears, is going to be in junior high. Rowan really wants to go to school, and Josh said he would do whatever Rowan wants to do. I would be fine if they chose to stay home too. I just don't feel great about any of it though. If I were to break into a percentage 🧐 probably 60/40 with wanting them to stay home and do home school, but it depends on the day, right. Ha! Sometimes it's 100% I want them to go! 

Lily started a little dance class over the summer. She didn't like the first time, but she was so cute to watch by the end. Lily talks very well, and quite a lot. She is very close to potty training. In fact, I think I could just train her and she would be great, but in my head she still seems so little. But, she often goes completely independently. Or, there is also the option where she will poop in her diaper and proceed to take off her diaper and put said poop into the potty to flush it. She will come tell Sam or I about her "Big poop" and usually we will have caught things quick enough it's never too bad to deal with. Other than the fact, that she takes off her diaper with a poop inside.

However, the other day, as I was doing primary work on my computer, and all the kids were upstairs playing happily. Suddenly, I hear little footsteps coming down the steps, I knew it was Lily. What was she saying. "Mom, big poop" I look up to see her, pants around her ankles waddling toward me with nothing else on. Panic. After all, she is now all the way downstairs. "Where's the big poop?!" I ask her. Hoping the answer is: In the potty. Not this time. "Right there." She turns around to show me her messy buns. I pick her up and come upon the scene of half a million wipes that she had used to remedy the situation herself all of which had varying amounts of...remnants ok, poop on it. I got her all cleaned up. 😅 Crisis averted. Then, I noticed her hands. 😆 I will say no more. My point is, she wants to do everything herself. 

Lily's first dance class

My sweet Jonah is going to preschool. He is the only kid that I feel sure about school wise. We decided to hold him back a year from kindergarten, which I am so thankful that I made that decision, and I made it early, so while I had been flip flopping all over with everyone else I knew Jonah was going to be in good hands. Jonah, lately, has improved so much! His speech, his attitude, his listening, all of it. Not to say, there aren't still moments, there are still many, but I can see a positive change. My all time favorite thing that Jonah says to me is: I like your heart. He will say it randomly at times, other times it will be when we ask him to do something he doesn't really want to do he will say, "I still love your heart, mom." Sometimes he will just say when he is going to bed. It melts mine. 

One thing I decided to do with my older boys over the summer was go through the unit of sexual reproduction and maturation before Kaj started middle school. I had intended to do the unit with Kaj last year with homeschool, but we all remember how that turned out. But, I definitely wanted to have the discussion with me before they started hearing things at school. I have never seen Josh's eyes go so wide 😂 and he proceeded to ask me, "Do you have to do that?" 😂 Oh dear! But, we got through it! 

I am feeling sad to look back through pictures and see my littles being so little. It is true what people say. It does go by fast. I didn't believe them. and most of the time I wanted to say "Promise?" Now, I just want to hold on them so tight. I hope they like me when they are older.  I hope they will still talk to me. I need to just be sure to love them and tell them every day. Even on bad days.