Things I want to Remember

 I realized only after I titled this that if I writing it down it's pretty obvious that it would be things I want to remember. But, oh well! 

Today is Saturday, in the middle of summer. After breakfast we were discussing what we wanted to do. We always do chores, but I also stressed the importance to do something with the kids. We asked them all and Kaj expressed interest in doing...nothing. He wanted to stay home and "relax." Oh, the life of a teenager resting from all their stresses. Josh said he would like to play soccer and the park, and the other kids had no suggestions. 

We went with Josh's idea. We soon were packed up in the car and headed to first, Pine Nursery, but it was occupado, and then Big Sky. There was hardly anyone there, and it was the perfect time of day with the back drop of a big open field as all 7 of us carried something over to the goals. We practiced different soccer drills, and had a lot of fun doing that. The sprinklers came on at the other end of the field, and suddenly Lily was racing toward them, followed by all 4 boys. This. This was the moment I didn't want to forget. I watched all my kids having fun together running through the sprinklers, and I loved my family so much right then. I took a picture of it in my mind only. The next years will go by fast I have no doubt, and they may be off with their friends on a Saturday. I am thankful for all 5 of them. 

Conversations :

Jonah: I usually don't close my eyes when we pray but I closed my eyers two times and I felt the Holy Spirit.

Me: Wow, Jonah! 

Jonah: It felt like Jesus's hands were on my head

Me: 😊

Jonah: mom, I don't want you to die when you're old. I want you to live forever

Lily: I want 5 to have 5 kids

me: 5 is a good number

Lily: Because you have 5 kids. And we could spend our lives together because we are both moms

Wisdom from Rowan at the Llama farm

A llama was approaching Rowan to have some food. I was standing next to Rowan 

Me: Oh, this guy deserves some food

Rowan: I think they all deserve some food.

Me: Yes. You're right

Rowan: Yeah... even though they look weird they all deserve some food 

(😂 Oh, right you are!)

I want to remember...how Kaj talks about being tall..all the time, how he made actual good conversations with the lady who was cutting his hair today, and how he really is starting to do that more and more with others. He is willing to help. He has a great, contagious laugh. He LOVES Jai Wolf. ( a literal household name in our house) 

I want to remember how Josh still gives me lots of hugs, he does the Rubik's cube all the time, and he is so good at it, he was so patient with me when he was going through the steps, he is patient in general. I want to remember how he tears up when we have to say goodbye to family, and how he kissed me on the cheek last night when I was reading to Jonah...

I want to remember how much Rowan loves the water. I see his bright and genuine smile whenever he is around it. I see that same smile when he watches Kaj perform his concerts 🥲 Rowan is brutally honest, and I love it. He is so literal- has always been- and I love it. I want to remember how long his hair is, and how he always wear a hat, and what his face looks like when he is proud of himself...

I want to remember...(Oh my Jonah) 🥲 how much Jonah loves his mom right now. He made a goal to give me 50 hugs and 50 kisses today. He still loves holding my hand. He loves reading with me and night and doing math with me in the morning. (these are both things that he wants to do) He cries when I leave for ladies nights.. I want to remember how he always remembers to say "Thank you" for things I get him, places I take him even when they seem small. Jonah is happiest when he is nice to others.

I want to remember Lily's two little braids in her hair. I want to remember her skipping around when she is excited. The way she says, "My Joshy-man burritos" She loves Josh so much, and it is lovely. I want to remember how I go on walks while she rides her bike, and how when we go up hills she talks about her powerful legs just like I taught her. I want to to remember how she loves to sing out "Everything is awesome!" and how she is often the first to volunteer to help out. I want to remember how little she is right now..

They are all so great. 

Conversations with Rowan

These lovely wintery pictures don't accurately say that this is the last day of school, and we are officially into the summer. Rowan is very happy about this. I have had mixed feelings about this school year for Rowan. He hasn't seemed to enjoy the year very much for reasons I can only guess.

Rowan became a bit of a mystery this year. He seemed to clam up, he doesn't seem to be fully himself. He is probably starting the long road of trying to figure the answer to that question of who he is. He decided this year that friends were not important. He wants only his family to be his friends, which I am more than happy to hear that, but hearing that feels lonely to me..

Rowan and I talking about friends/friendships: 

Rowan: I just don't want any friends

Me: Oh ok, well you are always going to be around other people, so maybe just try and be friendly

Rowan: (getting slightly annoyed) Well, ok, but I just don't want friends

Me: What have you been doing at recess?

Rowan: I just walk around by myself 

Me: ( keeping in tears) Oh, well that seems kind of lonely

Rowan: I like to be lonely

Me: Oh ok. Why?

Rowan: I am calm. And I don't have issues with anyone

I don't know if these means he has had conflicts with other kids. I knew of one time where during a game at recess a kid was targeting Rowan to get him out

I know that when I went to a school event this week and saw some interactions with some kids and Rowan I really didn't like it. I mean-REALLY

Many of the kids bossed him around, made him take the blame for things going wrong in the game, and didn't speak to him very nicely. 

I wouldn't like the school year much either if that is what he was experiencing. 

Rowan added: But, I did talk with Forrest the last couple days

Me: Oh, good. Well, are you happy about that?

Rowan: Uh.. yeah. I like talking to Forrest. 

Forrest is a member of our ward's son who is home from college for the summer so he worked at the school the last couple weeks before school was out. He is the nicest, happiest kid and the boys love him. I can't explain how thankful I am for him and him taking time for Rowan. 

Spiritual Conversations with Rowan

Rowan: Mom...I don't believe in Jesus Christ, but I am trying to believe 

Me: Well, Rowan, that's all we are asked to do, is try. 

Rowan: I am really happy I picked the plan of Salvation.

Me: (sweetly surprised at his statement) Oh! Why is that?

Rowan: Because I got to have this body, and I can have sweet things and also protein 😂😊

He is the absolute BEST. I always felt so sure that things would always work out for Rowan. Things always had, but lately I am stumped. I want Rowan to love who he is. I don't want him to try to be his brothers. I don't want him to compare himself to them, I really want him to realize who he is special. I also feel like I am 0%  not ok with anyone talking to Rowan in a way that makes feel sorry. He gets corrected by his brothers constantly, apparently also at school and he is always saying sorry...that many "sorry's" and you may feel sorry about who you are.. I can't have this for him. 

I still have meetings every one in while with Sheridan from ABA. Rowan hasn't gone in a very long time, but just to keep that resource I like to keep in communication. I relayed that first spiritual story to her, and her response was: Can Rowan just rule the world for us? 

He is such an incredible person, but right now he doesn't know it. Can I help him see it?? He has such deep thoughts about things in such a different way. 

I don't know what to do about school next year for Rowan. I spoke with Kaj's advisor and he said I could touch base anytime with the principal and let them know I am interested in getting Rowan signed up with Kaj's advisor, and it would be as simple as that. On the flip side, as I was at the school 4 out of the 5 days this week for different events, I was talking to Jonah's teacher. Jonah's teacher is a special person. She is an amazing teacher. She is so good at it. She hones in on each child's strengths and she is able to build on those. She told me that she would be moving up to 4th grade...well Rowan will be in 4th grade next year. You know where I am goin with this. I said, "Well, you definitely planted the idea in my head that you will have Rowan next year." "Well, that's why I mentioned it, I would love to have Rowan in my class next year." I think she is that special that she could turn Rowan's experience around. 

I love my boy so so much. 

 

Josh's 11th Birthday

 Dear, dear Josh... leading up to your 11th birthday I wasn't sure if either of us would make it. Suddenly this angel boy was fighting with me, or crying, or getting mad every single day. That is not an exaggeration.. a very literal every day. I could not believe it. 

I had a good conversation with Josh one night doing a tremendous job of validating his feelings and admitting that I wasn't used to this side of him so I wasn't handling it all well, but sure that if we were both patient with each other we were sure to get through. We probably ran into a conflict the next day, but it was a good moment. 

But, after his birthday, it has been better. There are still more bumps, but definitely more moments where I see my Josh. Truth be told, Josh is one of my very favorite people to be around. I love talking with him, he is so easy to be around. He is funny and fun, and he can always get the family laughing.

I recall a night when I had come home from jujitsu with Jonah, and I was so frustrated about what was going on in the class, I just spilled it all to Josh, not looking for anything but to get my thoughts out, and he listened so kindly and then said, "Wow, I'm really sorry about the way you are feeling, mom."  Apparently, that was all I needed that night. 

Josh is going to be going into middle school next year. I have a lot of feelings, as does Sam. Sam can sometimes feel like he doesn't want him to go at all to public school, and I do have my reservations, but when it really comes down to it, I just feel hopeful. I have a lot of hope for Josh that he will be able to carry himself through it staying true to who he is. After a morning of hearing some doubts from Sam about going to school, dropping him off at school, and throughout the day just feeling like I needed to give Josh more credit, that I believed in him, I decided to tell him after I picked him up, and I could tell he needed that. I could sense the relief that gave him. 

I will also mention the funny thing that happened that I still haven't fully recovered from, and it definitely ruined my entire social night. Pierce had come with us to the ward Pi(e) night. I got there with most of the kids, and Sam was following with Kaj and Rowan. We entered the cultural hall and stopped to scope out the place. I was leaning over to Josh to whisper to him to go save us a spot, but he kept moving away. I kept moving with him, arm around him trying again to whisper my important message, "Hey..." I was whispering and he said, "What??" It was Pierce. 😳 I was side hugging Pierce. (My son is boob level to me right now) I was side hugging Pierce, at boob level, trying to whisper something to him. Dying!! 😂 Absolutely dying. I could not get through the rest of the night socially intact. Josh laughed, and made me feel like it wasn't that big of a deal. 

That was really a side note that was definitely worth mentioning. I love Josh so much. I think and believe so highly of him. He has remained a very constant example in my life from the get go. His nature is so good, and I love learning from him. Happy 11th birthday Joshy man burrito. ( a self given nickname that has stuck)

Rowan's 9th Birthday

How?! How can my sweet Rowan be 9 years old! I looked through my old blog books recently and ready Rowan's birth story followed by some of his baby years, and I remember it all so clearly. I can't believe I have known him for 9 years. Rowan is complex little soul. Obviously, the way that he looks at the world is a little different. The connections that he can make are ones that I wouldn't think of of my own. Example #1

Rowan had recently gotten into listening to Michael Jackson and Weird Al. He listened to the song "Bad" and the song "Fat." He would talk about how Michael Jackson was talented at making songs. When he saw a picture of Michael Jackson in later years, needless to say, he was quite shocked. As you would be if you hadn't seen his progression. We talked about people choosing to get surgeries, that he may have gotten too many surgeries. Rowan then decided he wasn't going to be getting a surgery on his face. Then concluded that Michael Jackson was good at making songs but not good at taking care of his body and that Weird Al may not have been good at making songs but was good at taking care of his body. Who knew you could link them in so many ways?!

When I took Rowan in for his well check. He began a similar conversation with the nurse. Rowan asked how old he was, and the man was a little shocked to ask so bold a question, he laughed, and answered. He showed him some of his favorite funny songs, and I could tell talking with Rowan was probably going to be the highlight of his day. Maybe week. Maybe year. 😏

Rowan is delightful. He brings up so many great questions and easy conversations. I would consider it one of his strengths, for sure. He is comfortable with himself and that makes him easy to be around. Rowan is funny and witty. Rowan loves being with the family, and is the first to say that he would much rather be with the family than anyone else. 

Rowan can be hard on himself, as we all can be. It feels a little more devastating coming from him though. His frustrations about the things he is unable to do in the moment really bother him. We talk a lot about practice and individual talents. 

Rowan decided he no longer needs glasses. 😳 I mean, that's one way to think of it. We will be finding out soon if that is true, but for now, that's what we are going with. 

I love Rowan so much. He is patient, polite, kind, smart, and an amazing brother. 

 

On a Better Note

I read through old blog books tonight...and after reading and thoroughly enjoying my own writing, I wanted to write tonight. I LOVE reading back on the things I have documented. I would have forgotten so many fine details, feelings, and stories and I treasure them so much. I also realized I have so many things to catch up on- and I fully intend to do so. But, before I forget some funny things from the last week.

Josh, on Thursday, this is the day currently that no one is at home. Lily has school, but Kaj also has his community day, and Sam is in Portland. I am fully 100% by myself. Weird. For only a day, and then I love my Thursdays! Fully and absolutely love them! For all the reasons all mothers out there know why. My sweet boy says in the morning in the car before dropping the boys off, "mom, Thursdays must be your saddest day because everyone is gone." Huh?? I didn't have the heart to tell him that was NOT the case! 😂 I did say they are my strangest day, which was closer to accurate. That same day, Lily had her career  dress up day at school. This whole month they have talked about different careers. She struggled to decide. She wanted to be a spider, or green goblin. We looked for a costume but found none. She then said she would be a skier. Perfect! As we were getting her ready she kept saying, "I think Joely is going to be a hot-dog."I laughed, and said, "maybe.. she might be dressed up as something else too, but she could be a hotdog." We got to her school when her friend Joely was getting there, and she said again, "I think she is going to be hotdog." 😂 She wasn't dressed up like a hotdog. 

 

Tomorrow

 

There was no picture I could choose to match the words today. I shouldn't be writing. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a woman I work with at church. She said her mom would write journals, but she never gave them to her kids because a lot of what she wrote was negative. She said she wishes her mom would have shared because kids should know that it is hard sometimes. 

 I have tried hard when I write to only paint the picture that is real. I share funny stories. I share hard stories, I share real feelings that I am having. 

Kids, your mom doesn't like herself. 

I get angry sometimes. I get mad at you sometimes, but it is mostly because I don't like myself. I don't think I am doing a good job. Whenever there is squabbles or fighting in the back of my mind I think it's because of me. If I had been a better example, if I showed more patience, or if I have taught you more...the truth is I also know you are really great kids. I am lucky to have you. I feel sorry you have been stuck with me. 

You see, I should not be writing this. It's too sad. It's too sad to write..or think. 

I hope you always like yourselves. I hope you know I always love you, that I will always see the best in you even on the days that you don't see the best in yourself. I just hope that you will come to me when you are sad. It's hard enough having a sad day, but at least if you can come to me you won't have to be alone and sad.

Alone and sad is worse. So, you always always have me. 

And because I apparently can't end on such a down note, I will say. It will be ok. I will probably like myself a little more tomorrow. 

My Boys

There really is no reason I need to sugar coat it, but after 13 years of marriage to Sam there is something I have never gotten used to, and it's the way he talks to me sometimes. It is not always the kindest words or tone, and just this morning when  I pointed it out to him, he said, "this is just the way I talk."

This morning I have a headache ( is this the point in our family stories that I start talking about my ailments? 😳😂 I hope not) but I did I have a headache this morning. I have noticed that I get these every month and have for about 2 years. They are awful and sometimes completely debilitating. I told me boys this morning to get themselves breakfast, but I would get down to make their lunches. When I came down about 15 minutes later, Josh was in the middle of making the lunches anyway. 

When I dropped off the 3 boys off at school,. they waved sweetly, Jonah asked me to pick him up, and Josh blew me a kiss, and then I teared up.

 There are moments when I have wondered why I am not treated better. When I have told myself maybe I didn't deserve to be treated better, but today, I realized I have 4 boys who treat me amazingly. 

They are kind, they are considerate, they are thoughtful, they care and love me so much. 

So, it  turns out, Heavenly Father thought I deserved to be treated 4x better.